Sent: Friday, February 13, 2009 10:01:06 AM

Subject: Tourist information

Desi version of the Australian original. Quite nice in parts.Found it in my mailbox and thought worth a share.Havent read it earlier,but for those who havent either...have a laff!!

The answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have an excellent sense of humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in India? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Delhi to Goa- can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand kms, take lots of water.

Q:Is it safe to run around in the bushes in India? (Sweden)

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q:Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in India? Can you send me a list of them in Delhi, Chennai, Calcutta and Bangalore? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in India? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. In-di-a is that big triangle in the middle of the Pacific & Indian Ocean which does not.. oh forget it. ...... Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Goa. Come naked.

Q:Which direction is North in India? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into India? ( UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q:Can you send me the Indiana Pacers matches schedule? (France)

A: Indiana is a state in the Unites States of...oh forget it. Sure, the Indiana Pacers matches are played every Tuesday night in Goa, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in India? ( UK )

A: You're a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Bangalore, and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in India who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Indian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q:Do you have perfume in India? ( France)

A: No, WE don't stink.

Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in India? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in India? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.

Q:Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

Q:Can I see Taj Mahal anytime? (Italy)

A: As long as you are not blind, you can see it anytime.

Q:Do you have Toilet paper? (USA)

A: No, we use sand paper. (we have different grades)