”Everybody’s special; you wouldn’t be born if you weren’t”
“We all posses some sort of talent, something to contribute; and we are all, undeniably, irreplaceable”
Ok I know all that but in times of serious depression and grave esteem issues, knowing all that doesn’t help. Like I read somewhere – You burn your finger and knowing that the rest are fine, it just doesn’t help. Doesn’t make that one finger hurt less now does it? It’s the same here. We all have the knowledge of how to behave and what kind of attitude we must adopt to get through life but at that moment, that exact moment when your senses are swept by some overwhelming regardless how stupid or irrational emotion, knowing all we do helps nothing. Of course we try; try to be grateful and content with what we have and what we are, we try to look at the “positive side” and that’s what I feel my life has become. A struggle. Trying to be happy, trying to be grateful, trying to cope with all my insecurities and my low self-esteem, just trying and seldom succeeding. The awareness that God’s here, He’s seeing how much I’m fighting and trying and someday He’ll show some mercy and let me win, this thought does help sometimes and sometimes I just wait for my world to get back its lost harmony.
“Time is the best healer”……. ”Nothing remains forever”
Yeah yeah yeah! Every time I coax myself back to sanity with all these cliches and of course, with hope. And then some guy comes along and I see him play the piano with such brilliance, making the most wonderful music with such ease and genius, or I read something so beautifully and thoughtfully written that it just blows me away or I hear some lady sing and her voice just crushes me. And times like these I’m not just smitten by that guy or develop a girl-crush for that woman but my legs give way and I fall to my knees worshiping them. They seem like gods to me, so talented and brilliant and knowledgeable. After a moment of ecstasy it hits me, I can never be like that. And after another moment, God please make me like that!
Am I being ungrateful? I must of course have my own talents that I’m undermining or not acknowledging at all and disrespecting Him by asking for all that when I could already have so much more. Of course He doesn’t mind when we pray to Him but He surely must get real pissed off when we ignore all that He’s given us and chase something as insignificant as the ability to score a 160 IQ or to be able to write a best-seller or etc etc etc. These things don’t matter of course; so what you can’t write or so what you can’t sing or dance or cure the common cold, it doesn’t make you less human. Try to appreciate the things that you can do, there are millions of people who’d give a thumb to do what you’re able to do. Be grateful! And I keep on trying….
And I keep on wishing to be articulate; funny and likable; able to write well and to have the unmatched ability to put my emotions to words, precious beautiful words; become inspiring as those that have inspired me and the list goes on.
“You can achieve anything you want. You can BECOME what you want. It takes a pinch of courage to realize your dreams. Because… Nothing is Impossible”
And yes of course I know! I’m 18 and I know I have a long way to go, improvement will continue and maybe someday I’ll become all that I’ve always dreamed of being. To stand at the dais, to look my students squarely in their eyes with calm and peace and impart all the “wisdom” I’ve acquired in the process and see that respect and admiration in their eyes that I’ve always felt for my gods. That is my dream. And I’m praying and trying, fighting like we all do to shut the demons in our heads, to focus on our aims and not to be swept away by hopelessness, to have faith in ourselves and God and hoping that maybe someday we’ll get there. We’ll become our own gods and we’ll find that peace and content which our souls desperately crave.
And I’ll keep on writing my Letters to God because if no one else will read this at least He will……….