I saw Sidharth first in the Physics coaching class . He was the tutor. I did not know then that he liked me.

I only knew that I looked forward to the classes when I have never really liked Physics or Math. But how was I to tell him or anyone at all that the coaching classes were only an excuse to see him?

My dad wanted me to try out the classes and give my best in the entrances. I had planned to opt out after the first two classes, because there was a money back guarantee within one week,if I did not like it.

But I liked the classes.

It was no surprise that I did not fare well in the entrance. How could I when in the exam all my thoughts were that if I flunked perhaps if I could convince my dad about going for the coaching once more.

I did flunk, but my dad was not too impressed with my results to give me another chance. It was straight to the college for me.

I hardly saw him after that. I had given him my number; I used to call him to ask about any weird thing that was connected with computer science and Math, since I took, computer science in college.

But he was prim and proper always. His words never went beyond “Hello Nalini,how are you?; What doubt do you have now?”

I had to concede he was a good teacher. For whenever I had anything to ask he would clear it very well, in the phone itself and I couldn’t gear myself to tell him “No, it doesnt make sense; I want you to explain it again to me personally.”

I saw him few times on my way to my college. But he would be on his bike and I would be with two of my friends Rahul and Richa who lived along the way.

Rahul and Richa were twins and they studied in my class. He would speed away with a wave. Or when he is not in too much of a hurry it would be “Hello Nalini, how are you? How are your studies going?”

I mean I could understand he was a teacher and all that, but couldn’t he be anything else with me? My heart went on some wild tango dance when it sensed him nearby. I could only think of him smiling, his gentle ways of talking with me, his purposeful gait, his strong shoulders, when I looked at lines of logical programming in my books.

Does he like me enough to go beyond being polite? I never knew. I only knew I felt helpless.

I mean,isnt a man being spurned in love somehow more bearable than a woman spurned in love?

I could never go beyond asking him about my doubts in Math; but it was maddening that he never went beyond clearing my doubts!

In facebook he would be the first one to like all my pictures. And when I liked his,it would be a smiley and a thanks. I was quite resigned to his ways .

Meanwhile I got to see a lot of Rahul. I mean both sister and brother were in my class and it was the most natural thing for Richa to come over to my place and for me to go to theirs . Their house was just a 10 minutes walk from mine and Rahul always was the quiz master when we finished a revision. And he would make me the winner always because he would tell “atithi devo bhava” and so the “atithi should not be unhappy”.

This would amuse me and make Richa angry and walk out in a huff, because she was good in her subjects. I did enjoy myself in their house and we had many good times together. Richa’a notes were onec of the most sought after in class and I always had the privilege of using them or photocopying them first.

After my graduation Rahul went on to do MBA and stayed in his college hostel while Richa remained with me in my MSc course.

Rahul used to call me regularly from his college and tell me about all the pranks they do in college and about how he misses our study sessions together. It was after Rahul returned during his first semester break that he told me he missed me too much and would like to have a dinner date.

All this time it was not that I never thought of Sidharth . Anything remotely Math would take me to the times when I had classes with him. How content I had felt just to watch him teach. I phoned him still with doubts, real or imaginary, and hearing him was a solace in itself.

When Rahul told me about the date I had a hint as to where all this was going. I went nevertheless, since what was the point anyway in a one sided relationship said my computer science absorbed mind.

That evening in the restaurant Rahul pulled his chair closer to me and was saying “At last I have got to be with you,…” and put his hand on mine when I heard Sidharth calling out my name . When I saw Sidharth there in the same restaurant my heart did some kind of somesaulted hammering I will never forget.

He looked the same with his hair cropped neatly short at the back and all tumbled in the front and serious spectacles on his nose. He came to my table and I do not really know what happened after that.

He told something about a book, and called me to his table .

On the way he said he loved me although not in so many words. If providence had not brought him that evening to the old restaurant I would not have been Sidharth’s now.

Rahul was not too happy to see me glowing with Sidharth at my side when I returned to his table. “So where is the book?” he asked.

“Book? What book?” I blurted and then said “Rahul I think around this time next year my course would get over and I would be married to Sidharth”

Rahul looked at me as if I had gone crazy .

Sidharth quipped cheerfully “Oh that’s wonderful news”

Rahul was not too happy but I must say he took it well. Sidharth left us after some time and Rahul did not have much of an appetite.

My parents agreed to the marriage though his caste was different from mine. They were also not too happy that he did not have a salaried job. What stood in his favour was his very nice parents to whom my parents took a liking and also that they lived in the same city.

My elder sister was already married off in Delhi and they did not want me also to move away after marriage.

It was about three months before the marriage that Sidarth came to me and told me that his business was not doing well and that he was worried.

“Nalini,I have been going on a loss, with my institute the past two months” he told me. “ I always had a steady stream of students. No other institute has opened up nearby and I do not have any fresh competition. Suddenly there is just no one applying new.”

I felt worried for him.”I am sure it just a temporary trend. Do not tell about this to my parents” I told him.

“How long can I hide this? They would come to know somehow or the other. This has never happened in the seven years I have run this institute ” he said.

“I am planning for a trip to Mumbai. There is a friend there who has offered to help me out.” he said.

My heart sank. “Why do you want to go so far away? When would you be back?” I asked.

“I will be here within one month I think” he said.

And although he said one month, now one month and a half has passed. In the beginning he said his return was unexpectedly delayed . Then he only sent messages and never answered my calls. He said he would tell me everything when he returned and to trust him.

I am still waiting for his return. Even the number of messages from him have reduced and I do not know where all this is leading.

Rahul and Richa have remained good friends and they frequently come home. My parents feel very happy whenever they drop in. “Rahul is our caste and he has not disappeared overnight” they tell me .

Meanwhile I wait and I seesaw between hope and sadness .