1. Loose weight – If you need to make this as a resolution, you obviously don’t have the ability to control your flabby-flab any other time! What makes you think it will stick when you decide this over a slice of pizza and a beer New Year’s Eve?

   
   




2. Get a better job – Yeah! You and 30 million others this month! Stick with that shitty IT job….nobody fucks with you.

   
   




3. Be nicer to people – What for? Next time you walk down a busy street, just TRY to look people passing you in the EYE. Inevitably someone will look back and tell you to “shove it.”

   
   




4. Make new friends – If this means hitting happy hours and nightclubs….go ahead and scratch it! This takes money, and you still need a better job!!

   
   




5. Fall in love - ????? Just fall on a sword. It feels better, and ends faster.

   
   




6. Care for an elderly family member – HOSPICE doesn’t count dipshits!

   
   




7. Stop smoking – As I take a long drag from my yummy square…I say stop kidding yourself. Just go ahead and start NEXT YEAR’S list.

   
   




8. Become more politically active – Ummmm….have you SEEN those new electronic voting machines??!! Do yourself a favor and sleep in that day.

   
   




9. Go to church – Personally I feel god hears me better in the shower. You know….the acoustics and all.

   
   




10. Random acts of kindness – (really heard this one) – Ok…like what? That guy you flew by yesterday on the freeway that had a flat tire? If you’re choosy about the act….it’s NOT random. Quit kidding yourself.

    
    

Let’s all just resolve to be who we were LAST year. Have a drink and shut it!