Strict statutory Warning:This review contains material that could prove traumatic & damaging to SRK fans. If you are a SRK fan or happen to be over-sensitive to unbridled criticism, STOP reading right now. By deciding to read further you agree to absolve the author of any incidental, co-incidental damage caused to your heart, brain (assuming you have one) or any other parts, by any means.
If your name is Shahrukh Khan, you agree to absolve the author of any charges of plagiarism & intrusion of privacy by publishing material from your stolen diary.
Story behind the Story
Lots of my fans ask me hehehe... why I played a ’Truck Driver’ in this film? How long can I keep playing the role of a college going boy. Despite best efforts by my make-up man & plastic surgery, it is becoming increasingly difficult to hide those ruthless wrinkles popping up mercilessly all over my face. Isn’t it high time I moved on to playing more serious roles like those of a Truck Driver, Taxi Driver , Lorry Driver etc.? Even Gauri compliments me in private that I do look like a Lorry Driver... hehehehe
But the real inspiration happens to be my rival Aamir Khan who created box-office records by playing a Taxi Driver role in a movie ’Baajaa Hindustani’ or something like that. Statistics say that there are more Truck/Lorry drivers in India than Taxicab Drivers. If Taxicab Drivers can turn a Dud of a movie into a super-hit, is it wrong to expect a similar reaction from the numerical more stronger Truck/Lorry drivers. Ask Mithun-bhai why none of his movies have lost money? I am after all a business man who has to make money... hehehe
Deciding on the story was not difficult. The script of ’Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge’ has been lying around since ages. That would do for the first half of the movie (of course changed to suit my new image as Truck Driver...hehehe). The other half would be from the movie ’Saathiya’ acted by whats-his-name ( why do these Viveks, Hrithiks & Shahids make me feel so insecure & the need to copy from them?). Getting the script of ’Saathiya’ wasn’t difficult by my choice of selecting Rani who also played the lead lady in ’Saathiya’ too ( I am the BEST... hehehehe)
Choosing the Director & Cast
Again it was not a difficult choice to convince Aziz Mirza saab roaming jobless on the streets after the grand ’success’ of my magnum opus ’Phir Bhi Dil Hai Hindustani’. All he had to do was have Kabaab & biryani, say to the cast & crew ’Jaise Saab [Me] Kahen sab waisa hi karna’ & take a heavenly nap. Rest of the show was managed by me & the clapping boy.
Choosing the cast was also easy... hehehehe. ’Rahul’ had to be the Hero, Rani had given us ’Saathiya’ script. We had to have a Muslim & Sardar characters... and also a Hijra (trans-sexual). The fact that Hijras happen to be one of major movie going groups, especially in the metros, is not known to many. Have you seen any hit movie without at least one trans-sexual character? A inside trade secret I learned from a friend Karan Johar who happens to be a resident expert on this.
Of course given my reputation as Para-Nari Priya (man who loves neighbor’s wife more) there had to be a ’sacrificial goat’ a.k.a to-be-ditched fiancee of the girl, I was going to woo. Initially Jas Arora was reluctant ’Yaar... SRK. Mujhe acting-vacting kuch nahin aatha!! Phir Main iss movie mein Karoonga kya?’. I convinced him ’You don’t need to do anything. Just keep smiling & look happy... even when I steal your fiance & she breaks the engagement on the marriage day. You get to move around in latest fashion designer suits. And remember Dude, it is a SRK movie. No body is supposed to over-act .... Besides me... hehehehe’. And he agreed.. cho chweet na...hehehehe
Johnny bhai was a disappointment. Kithna boltha hai har movie main... mere iss movie main bilkul silent except for some bathroom singing on the streets after getting drunk. I asked him ’Johnny bhai.. kyun ithne chup ho’. He said ’Saab... Aap se hum garibon ka kya muqabla Ab aap hi ithna bol rahe ho, audience ko ithna pareshaan kar rahe ho... main kya boloonga aur karoonga?? Aur aap kissi aur ko bolne de thab na? Thoda bhahut phatichar gaane gaa ke aur kutte ke saath soke man ki badhaas nikhaal rahan hoon. Woh bhi aap complete karne nahin dethe’. Smart guy... Johnny bhai ... hehehe
Music
Given that most of the audience for my movies happens to mostly NRIs & in metros Delhi/Mumbai & a majority happen to Punjabis ( smart people... hehehe). Any song with the words ’Shaava... Rabba... Munda... Kudi...’ in any order/disorder will do. Then Javed Akthar saab is there to pen those lovely lyrics & Anu Malik to make or steal the Music from somewhere... hehehe.
But the song that gave me most satisfaction is the farting song... ’tam burrak burrak namma namma’. I feel so nostalgic about the incident when I got inspiration for that song. I always wanted to do something about the farting... ever since the farting scene in ’Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam’ made Salman something of a national hero.
It was when Javed & Anu Malik were thinking hard & discussing about the last remaining song (why think so much? Don’t they know... ’I am the best’...hehehehe). Johnny bhai (trust him to provide inspiration when least expected) gave out a loud fart. Javed Akhtar Saheb in a jovial mood composed the first line ’Tam Burak Namma Namma’. I said ’That’s it!! We got our trump card song!!’. I still can’t understand the stupefied look on Javed saab’s face when I said that. Geniuses like me (in fact I am the only Genius) are not understood by everyone...hehehehe
Locales
Why choose Greece and not the regular London or Switzerland? I am the ’Greek God’ you see... hehehe ( besides my bank balance has been dwindling owing to repeated flops like PBDHH, Asoka etc.... hehehehe)
Anyways when do I give the viewers the chance to see anything, but me? So does it matter if I shoot my movie in Greece or Jhumri-Talaiyya?....hehehe
Personal feelings
It was a refreshing change to play a Truck Driver from a college hero. Anyways college boys bunking classes to see my movies have no option but to become Truck Drivers one day... hehehe
But this aging thing hurts (besides my best effort to hide it & act as if I am still in my teens... Hruumpp)
You know it is time to retire when
# Girls look more sympathetically at the cuddly stuffed dog than the buffoon doing monkey antics by the side
# Guys clench fist in discomfort when you come out of the ’Wishing Pond’ without drowning
# Even Johnny Lever shuts his loud mouth, when you open yours
# Even the prop (Jas) gets more rave remarks than you
# When you start playing ’serious’ roles like ’Taxi Driver’, ’Truck Driver’ to remain in circulation
Hey... don’t uncork those Champagne bottles yet. If I stop acting & making movies what will happen to my hardcore fans ever-so-ready to watch me steal someone elses GF/Fiancee in my 100th movie (as long as it is not their GF/fiancee)??!!
No...No... I will keep acting. I will keep acting... I am the BEST... I am the BEST...
I wake up from sleep & hear my wife mutter ’Oh God! This has been happening every night since watching that stupid movie’
Moral of the Story :- Stay away from Nightmares