Death is a fact of life that we all have to deal with. We do two things in life. We live and we die. And telling a child or other family members for that matter about a death in the family is a very hard thing to have to do. There is no easy way. And most likely someone is going to criticize you because they didn’t feel you handled it correctly. Get past that and do what you think is best in this type of situation.
After my Uncle died of a long battle of cancer and I got that dreaded call in the middle of the night! And being the one who had taken care of him, it was even harder. My children were very aware of his cancer. In fact they had helped me with him on numerous occasions. I had just gotten married, and had gone over to see him while on my honeymoon. He didn’t even recognize me and I knew it would not be long.
But how do you tell your children that their Great Uncle has now gone!
Just Facts Of A Death For Me
You wake up your spouse, (if you have one) and you find yourself in their arms immediately! Then you find yourself with tears on your face telling that spouse what has happened. And you feel their arms come around you and you feel a small comfort. You also realize that the next several days are going to be hard. THEN! You realize the children have to be told that someone they loved has died.
You have several times over the years talked with the children about death. But as of yet you have not had to deal with it. Now all of a sudden you do. They have seen the suffering of the illness that has taken their loved one. How will they take the news?
You decide to wait until later on in the morning to tell them. Let them sleep. You may get up and make coffee, get out pictures of the loved one who has passed, take a shower, go outside. Each person is different. But one thing is for sure you will avoid thinking about even telling the children because you don’t know where to begin.
How I Actually Told Them
Later on in the morning the children get up. They knew instantly that something was wrong. Of course I tried to hide the red eyes and the sadness, but it didn’t work.
’What’s wrong mama?’ they asked. ’Children sit down, there is something I have to tell you!’ They sit, and you can tell in their eyes that they know someone has died. You can just see it. And they know it is their Uncle, whom they loved so much.
You let them know as easily as possible that their loved one has died. Tears immediately swell in their eyes and yours and you take them in your arms and hug them. You let them cry for as long as it takes. Let them ask questions and let them remember that loved one. Remind them that life is short and that we should make the best of our time here on earth. Let them know that their loved one is in heaven(if you can honestly say that, I mean some us go to heaven and some don’t!), and let them know that is okay to cry, and it is okay to miss them and it is okay to remember them. Let them know that you will get through this time in your life. And let them know that the next several days are going to be really hard. Let them know that they will see lots of people and these people will talk about that Uncle that just died. And let them know that these memories will cause them to cry again.
At the funeral home
Depending on the age of the children, this is a very personal choice in letting them go to the funeral home. If you do you, should try to prepare your children as best as you can. Let them know why their loved one is at a funeral home and how a body is embalmed. Let them know that the loved one will look and feel different. And let them know that the loved one will be in a coffin and why. Or if the loved one is being cremated, explain that procedure to them as well.
They will ask questions about the entire procedure, believe me they will. Let them. And answer every one of those questions truthfully and honestly. If you don’t have the answers, get them. Some funeral directors will help you talk to your children about the procedures involved.
Let the children know that you love them. And when that child asks you’Mama/daddy are you going to die too?’ You answer honestly. ’Yes, one day I will. I don’t know when it will be but it will be and so will you one day.’ Let them know that this is a part of life. Hug them and make them feel safe as you can. Kiss them on the cheek and take their hand and show them how life goes on. Don’t tell your child that you are not going to die “today” because honestly you don’t know if you are or not. So don’t take a chance of lying to them. Think about it, you told them you weren’t and then you did, that child will be very angry with you. Do you honestly want that for your child on top of what they already have to deal with?
At The Funeral
If you let your child go, you need to try and prepare them for this also. Let them know that there will be a lot of people and a service. Share with them what or how you have asked the service to be like. Let them know why people wear black or dark colors to funerals, because they will ask. Let them have a flower from an arrangement if they want one. If this helps them to deal with their loss then allow it. Allow them to say their final goodbye, and allow them to put a picture of himself or herself or one that they colored in the coffin. I encourage you to encourage them to do so. Regrets are hard to over come. Let them know about the music if there is any and the pastor if there is one. Let them know that people will say wonderful things about their loved one and that once again they may cry. Let them know this is okay.
At The Cemetery
You have to prepare your child for this as well; if you have let them go to the funeral and funeral home this is part of it. However, sometimes there are just graveside services and you need to explain this as well to your children.
Advise them that there will once again be a lot of people. A lot of people loved their loved one and these people will want to pay their respects. Let them know about the flowers and why. Explain those 12 little green chairs, and the tent. When asked and you will be, let them know what that hole in the ground is for, and tell them why that truck with that funny looking door hanging off it is there.(Sometimes, that truck doesn’t come around until much later, it just depends.) Go back to the cemetery later and let the children see what has not taken place. Explain the dirt if that is all there is there or explain the slab. Which ever the case may be. Let the children touch the slab or headstone if they want to.
You have to be there as much as you can for your children as well as other members of the family. You have to explain to your child what is going on and why. You have to be strong for them even when you don’t feel like it. And later on when the funeral is all over with take time for yourself and just cry until you feel better. And know that in your heart you have done all you could in helping your children deal with the death of a loved one, as well as the illness that they had.
Be honest with them, this is the best advice I can give. Let them be a part of the illness, the recovery, and the death if it comes to that. It is very important to your children as well as to you! And they will be glad you did. You will be glad that you did.
I hope that this has helped in some kind of way.
God Bless!
© LKD 2002