Disclaimer: This review is being reposted for more than one reasons and it may be found disturbing by some mindsets. Please read it at your own choice!
January 8th, 1964
Hello Diary! This is my first entry into your
Yesterday I turned 6 years old and Janhvi Auntie gifted you to me. She said that I should not show you to Mom, otherwise mom will take you away from me. But why did Janhvi auntie say that, Mom is so nice and sweet. She loves me so much, I know that sometimes she gets very very angry , and her eyes become all red, but that’s ok.Papa says that she has been very ill lately and thatswhy she has become snappy and irritable. And then everytime she slaps me, she says sorry to me so many times. I know that she loves me a lot. Janhvi Auntie probably doesn’t like my pretty mother. She has such soft cheeks and such black eyes. I know that I am a very naughty person, I will try not to do any mischief in future.
Dear God! Please make Mommy happy, I promise to be a good child.
May 24th, 1967
Dear Diary! Today was a Sunday and we went to Church. I was wearing my favorite pink frock. Papa said that I looked like her little princess. Mom scoffed him! She says that I am the most difficult child she has ever come across. My hair are always unruly and how much problem she had to face through while dressing me up. Diary! I am sorry for that drop. But my hands are still paining while I am writing it down. I had buttoned my own frock , and while I was trying to have that glass of milk, it spilled on my frock. She kept on twisting my arms till it hurt like hell. She gritted her teeth and said that she will send me away, I am quite a handful for her. I must have been, I never do things in a proper manner.
Dear God! I promise never to spill anything again, Please make my Mommy love me!
June 16th, 1969
Diary ! I am running 102 degrees temperature today , my mouth is swollen up and I can hear a buzzing noise in my ear. Papa just took me to the doctor and told him that I had been adventurous and was learning to bike. But then Papa has been lying like this for a long time. Bike accidents, tripping the stairs, falling in bathroom. The Doctor has even stopped asking now. What did I do this time? Let me recollect! Ohh yes Janhvi Auntie came in again and she was telling me that I look so pretty now , my mom cum monster is in no comparison to me. She did not know that Mom was in the toilet. Today her kitty had been cancelled and she was home. Janhi Aunty also said that Papa was such a puppet!..But after that what followed, I think Janhvi auntie will never come back again. Ohh! I am hurting…again tomorrow no school I guess. As it is I hate going to school , I hate the girls looking at me and talking, I never speak to any of those girls. I just love talking to you diary, was Janhvi Aunty right? Is mama a monster?
Dear God! Please forgive me for such bad thoughts. I love my Mom!
November 13th, 1974
Aloha Diary! Lets cut the crap! I just felt like letting it out again. I just hate the sight of these cosy little dinners at Rosy’s place. There her Mom acting like that her daughter is the only thing in the world. How fake man? I mean I am sure she must be also pinching her beneath the table, till she turned blue. Like my old frustrated maid did. Huh! As if I care…soon I am going to give it back to her. I am sure she hates me becoming more hip and trendy than her. Of course! I look so much better than her. Oh that reminds me did I tell you I get my tongue pierced. It’s a fad and then how will I join the Danny’s gang , if I don’t go according to the trend. Wait till she sees me in those low cut denims…
God! Are you still around?. Can you help her with that cough she’s got? It looks serious!
January 7th , 1979
Diary! It took me so long to find you…They had taken me away , you know those guys from the rehabilitation centre? I needed that smoke, I so badly needed that white powder. I could not even think straight without it. But they caught me , with Danny and others. Yeah she had come there too, to visit me, begging for forgiveness. She said that she was sorry for behaving so badly to me, she has been a rotten mother. But I was in an oblivion, I could not even respond to her. I realized that she was around but I had no energy left to say anything.
I have come back home now and they say I have been cured. Papa has made my old room just the way it used to be. It has been an year now since I was away, and today again its my birthday. Still I feel that urge of hiding away , though I know there is no reason. But I keep looking behind my shoulder waiting for a whack or slap to come anytime. I know there is no cause for apprehension now. Doctors say that I suffer from Paranoia. Will she ever know what she did to me?
Dear God, May her soul rest in Peace!
Guys did you get my name yet. I am Alice, my dad gave me this name coz he loved the fable of Alice in Wonderland. A mystical land which was meant for a Girl who stayed and lived in dreams. She was so lost in her visions that reality eluded her. Ironically I have been justifying the name but just the other way round. I am Alice and I am lost! I am lost to the fact that what was the reason that I was given birth and bought into this world? I am lost to the reason that what was my fault for being so cruelly treated all my life? I am lost to the fact that the one who created me was the one who destroyed me….I am lost and I am trying to grapple on the harsh land of realties….I was dumfounded when kids of my age were living and playing in joyous glee. I used a closet to cry when my peers were using the lap of their mothers. I tried to elude the world by slipping into the intoxication of Drugs. But I still I could never escape from the Reality Land. Today I am scared to open my eyes and look around coz I never know that when will another jolt bring on a fresh stab of pain….and you reading me have to tell me why I feel so and what you will do about it? Till how long should I stay on my medications which have been prescribed for my medical status “Paraonia”, leaving me grappling with the truth that I will never be alone now in my life…Not because that a prince came along , but because my scarred childhood will never let me stay alone…
I am Alice, a fairy tale character who never lived happily ever after…..