The phone rings in the middle of the night.
I pick it up sleepily and say ‘Hello.?’
I hear a sob and a broken voice saying, ‘Hello, Sujata.’
A cry for help.
I say “Oh, it’s you. Can we talk in the morning please? I have had the hardest day possible. Meetings, lectures, no lunch break, then Sitab was ill, rushed back home, just put him to sleep, then…”
The voice on the other end cuts me off in the middle ‘Oh yes! Oh sure! You have a great life. You are enjoying yourself. A great family - wonderful kids. How can you understand my state? Do you know how terrible it is to come back to an empty home and eat my meals alone? Can you imagine how I feel when I am invited to a party and you all walk in with your families and I walk in alone. Can you even feel my pain when people look at me and whisper? You have no IDEA! How can you know? You are living comfortably in your own world! “
I sit there in the dark, silently, listening to the outburst. Then I say “OK. I am sorry. Let’s talk.”
After two hours of heart to heart talk, I fall asleep.
So let me tell you the advice I gave to my distraught companion that night.
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1. It’s Over
Yes, let’s begin from here. Wipe out the past. The past is painful and though it cannot be changed, its impact can be minimized, which is exactly the need of the moment now. Going over every moment of that terrible marriage that made you feel insignificant, lonely and useless will not serve any purpose. It’s time to look forward towards a brighter future.
2. Stop feeling guilty
The typical feeling that assails the divorcee is guilt. Somehow that nagging doubt of ‘what if’ follows the person like a dark shadow. This does not happen with just divorce, it happens in any broken relationship. Well, it’s time to fight it and get rid of it. A marriage has failed. And no single person or factor is responsible for it. There are often many complicated variables working against or for a marriage. Understand this simple logic and remove yourself from the guilt game.
*3. Stop the blame game
Blame game** is another reaction that attacks both the separated partners like a disease. ‘He did this’ and ‘She did that’. ‘He spoilt my life’ and ‘She made a mess of it’ goes on and on. The end result is zilch. Do stop cribbing, calm down and start thinking positively about yourself and the other partner.
4. Forgiveness
Once upon a time you were together. Today it’s Goodbye. If you have to go your separate ways, do not forget to forgive the other person who you loved so much at one time. Only once you will forgive and forget will the process of healing really begin. And only then can you expect that you will start coming out of the black hole. Look back at the relationship as an integral part of your life which taught you great lessons and made you the person you are today. A much more wiser and an understanding person. Much more special than before.
5. Stop worrying about people’s whispers.
In Indian society, it’s not easy to live as a divorcee, especially if you are a woman. It’s almost like a stigma or a very heavy cross to bear. Well, if you have been brave and honest enough to take the decision of divorce, then garner up some more strength and face this world. Remember, there are many people who are living fake lives and fake, unhappy marriages. So, if you have decided to take the road less traveled, keep walking. Don’t look around in fear and don’t hang your head down in shame.
6. Remarriage?
Yes, of course. But be cautious. Don’t jump into remarriage. Simply put, avoid rebound relationships and marriages as much as possible. Wait it out, allow yourself to heal from the setback and give yourself and your new partner some time to settle things down. The venom and the hurt of the old wounds should not be allowed to leak into your new life. Hence, space out your emotional commitments as much as possible.
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Two years hence, that voice at the other end of the phone still calls me. But now she is happier. Wiser. And thankful. Now she is married to a wonderful young man who loves and cherishes her. I visit them sometime, whenever I can take some time from my busy schedule. She still complains to me about not giving her enough time. When I remind her that she does not need me that much any more, she gets emotional, hugs me and says “But I will always need you.”
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Sigh. Life does turn out be fine in the end. Eventually.