This review is dedicated to my MOM, whose First Death Anniversary is today. The void that is left can never be filled but your memory is forever etched in our hearts.
When the guiding light is no more
You feel shrouded by the darkness
You get a feeling of being lost in the woods
You don’t see any way to come out of it
The very hands that taught you everything
The very hands that comforted you
The words that always consoled you
The words that always motivated you to achieve
You string those pearls of wisdom with care
Use them when needed, you will never fail
That light has now transformed into a star
It will always shine and guide you.
That light is now within you
It has only changed the baton
Spread the light around you
For that guiding light is always there
Since my mom expired, I had done a lot of research on net, spoke to my Family Doctor on dealing with grief, to help one of my sister. This review contains the efforts of my research and tips of my Friend who also happens to be my Family Doctor in my own words.
Grief – It is the distress or the sorrow caused by someone’s death, it can be someone close to you or a pet or maybe when a person gets divorced or goes through a breakup. Grief can be for a few days, few weeks, few months or lifelong depending upon individual’s emotional strength and attachment towards the dead or the other person.
I don’t think there is any person who has not faced or will not face some kind of grief in their life. Grief is a normal emotion and a natural reaction to loss. Grief can involve one or more type of intense feelings such as love, sadness, fear, anger, relief, guilt, compassion and hate. A person can have more than one feeling at the same time. One might have nightmares too, waking up suddenly feeling scared or crying relentlessly.
There is no fixed procedure of grieving, one grieves in their own way and own time. One will naturally feel low all the time. We hear many times people telling not to cry but it is wrong, one should not bottle up their feelings, they should cry or give went to their anger. The surviving people do feel guilty and this guilt eats them up. One may get filled up with remorse for ill-treating them or not listening to them when they were alive. One must not suppress their feelings or be hard on themselves.
Stages Of Grief – There are variousstages through which one passes.
1) Shock/Denial – The person is too shocked and finds it difficult to accept the loss, s/he denies the loss of their loved ones.
2) Awareness – A person starts getting aware of the loss and knows how painful is the loss.
3) Panic – A person may find her/himself becoming mentally instable, loss of appetite and concentration may be there. S/he might get upset for no reason or become ill.
4) Guilt – A person may suffer from guilt as s/he might have not behaved properly towards the deceased or might have hurt her/him in any way. One gets filled with remorse.
5) Hostility – A person might feel anger towards the probable cause of loss.
6) Inability To Return To Normal – Theremight be lack of interest in routine activities. One may no longer have the zest for life but remember life will always continue.
7) Returning Back To Normal – One learns to slowly accept the loss and slowly the recovery process starts, it might vary from individual to individual. Some may recover very fast, others may recover very slowly.
8) Hope – The grief lessens considerably and there is hope for a continued life. There will be definite changes due to changed situations and one must learn to accept them.
What You should do –
1)Never suppress your feelings.
2) Accept genuine offers of help.
3) Remember them as often as you like, you can look at their photos, read the letters/diaries/journals, recall incidents and tell about them to your friends or family members present with you.
4) You can speak to people who understand you and can really help you.
5) Eat healthy food.
6) Do some exercise to relax your mood and muscles.
7) Go for walk or spend some time in a park or near a sea-shore.
8) Do the work that you always enjoyed doing.
9) Cultivate some new or resume some old hobbies.
10) Take hot water baths, they soothe your mind and muscles, they also help in getting good sleep. 11) Have some hot cocoa or milk before going to bed.
12) Try reading some good books or watching films which you enjoy.
13) Keep some fresh flowers in the room or change the room settings, try to lighten the home atmosphere.
14) Join some Voluntary Organisation where you can help others.
15) Try to develop positive perspective to deal with happenings in your life.
16) Return to normal routine as soon as possible.
17) Go for counseling if you need Professional help.
What You should not do –
1) Never indulge in self-pity.
2) Never feel guilty.
3) Never be ashamed to show your feelings.
4) Never restrain yourself from crying, a good cry helps in expressing yourself.
5) You should not neglect yourself at any cost.
6) You should not divulge important details to others when in a vulnerable state.
7) Never make decisions when in a vulnerable position, they may cause you to regret later.
8) One should not eat sugary or fried foods in large quantities as they fatten us, leading to weight gain and further depression.
9)Avoid taking Drugs, Alcohol or Smoking, as this may lead to further depression or one might become addicted to them.
How To Help Grieving People around You –
1) Try to help them in all the possible ways.
2) Listen to their ramblings.
3) Help them return towards the routine as quickly as they would like to.
4) Never tell them to suppress their feelings, let them vent their anger or let them cry if they want to.
5) Help them organize their affairs, offer Financial help if needed.
6) Try to take interest in their life.
7) See that they get proper rest and food.
8) Do not say things that may upset them, wait for a later period if some things are to be said that might upset them.
9)Make them feel secure.
10) They might become more upset when the day happens to be a special one to them like Birthday, Wedding Anniversary etc
11) Get them a gift that they might appreciate.
12) Try creating their interest in some hobbies or cajole them to renew their interests in the arts they already pursue.
13) Try involving them in taking minor decisions and day-to-day activities.
We cannot bring back a person who has left but we can follow the legacy left behind. Do good deeds and carry their name forward.
Alas! I have not words to tell my grief;
To vent my sorrow would be some relief;
Light sufferings give us leisure to complain;
We groan, we cannot speak, in greater pain.
Dryden
With the above words of Dryden ( a famous poet) , I end my review without hogging any comment space. Your views and comments welcome. Any additions(space permitting), I can make in the above points are also welcome.