Never before had I gone through such a phase of religious-mindedness. Never cared to read the Bible, our Bible. I ? the thoughtless, happy-go-lucky young vampire, quite satisfied with my weekly bloodsucking ventures ? and never spared a thought for spirituality, or looking for who I really was, where I came from, where I was to go.
Nothing or nobody could’ve convinced me to spend even 10 bucks to get the Bible (which fool needs Bram Stoker’s Dracula when you can have a jar of yummy Deer Blood Candy instead?) ? free mein milta to baat kuch aur hota... so when one fellow vampy pointed out that it’s actually available for free on the net (https://vampgirl.com/lit-dracindex.html), I said to my (wicked, mindless) self ’’Chal try karke to dekhte hai!’’
And it got me addicted.
So when one night while surfing channels I stumbled upon Star Movies airing a movie called Bram Stoker’s Dracula, I just couldn’t contain my curiosity. After a gruesome 2 hours, it turned out that in vain had I sacrificed my bloodsucking trip for that night. Why? I’d tell you why ? but at first let me remind you, there are a number of inevitable reasons why mortal-made vampire movies always seem ridiculous to Us ? I’d exclude those points since mortals here don’t really seem to share the same sense of humour.
This particular movie ? Bram Stoker’s Dracula ? was released in 1992. It was directed by Francis Ford Coppola (the guy who also made the very cool Godfather movies, I can’t believe he can be this dumb!). And starred Gary Oldman as a chalk-faced old Count Dracula and a stingless, too-veggy young Count, Keanu Reeves (lol, lol, lol) as Jonathan Harker, Winona Ryder (not too bad) as Mina Harker and Anthony Hopkins (chalta hai, but I expected a less just-arrived-from-the-forest looking gentleman) as Van Helsing.
The other main characters like Lucy Westenra, Arthur Godalming, John Seward and Quincey Morris are played by lesser-known actors, whose names I didn?t care to look up because which ones of you really care to read? The casting was pretty OK but I prefer to call it bad because they killed the main character Himself. My Lord, my Lord, my Lord, GARY OLDMAN as Dracula!! ? how could they even conceive such a disastrous thing? He’s not even remotely sexy (for those whose memory fails them, it?s the same guy who played Sirius Black in the latest Harry Potter movie!), and looked purely clownish in the round blue goggles he wore when he arrived at London. I’m planning to sue Coppola (or whoever made the cast) for this utter defilement of our Jesus ? it’s as degrading as if you make Passion of the Christ with Brad Pitt in the lead role!
Actually, among mortal actors my one and only choice to play Count Dracula would be Johnny Depp. He has just the right killer looks and intensity and screen presence, and probably would look stunning even if he has a horrible wardrobe malfunction like round blue goggles! ? Here’s one mortal who really deserves to belong to Us. (Ah let me tell you a secret, my best friend has actually arranged Johnny Depp for our Halloween dinner menu this year ? now isn?t that sweet? We’re soon gonna patent Johnny Depp-flavoured blood cookies!)
By now you must be wondering ? Yeh chhoti vampire itni faltoo bak rahi hai kyun? Zyada pee chuki hai kya? Not exactly, but ? as you’ve perhaps already guessed by now ? I’m avoiding to talk about the actual movie. What to tell ? the storyline? Dobara mat puchhna! (If you haven’t read the Bible yet ? shame on you ? go to the link above and do it!) All I can say is that they successfully managed to pathetically twist the storyline (as they always do).
I’ve taught myself to tolerate twisted onscreen versions of great novels, but I couldn?t control the bloody tears of indignation as I watched them present Mina Harker as the centuries-later reincarnation of the Count’s doomed lover from his mortal life. When will these Hollywood people understand that the Lord Count was above such mortal Hollywood clichés? And also that sucking blood for dinner does NOT mean you have to smear your face with chalk-powder and sport a suspiciously-looking-like-bunch-of-straw white braid? (My vampy friend here suggests ’’Perhaps they need a little bite?’’ as she strokes her electric blue long spikes and considers if my violet is cooler)
The makeup and costumes are laughable (esp. the sharky teeth ? we’ll run to the dentist if we ever wake up with such stuff! We just like our incisors nice and long, just that), Keanu Reeves sounds (and looks) like the English-accented words are punched out of his stomach, Winona Ryder looks like a poor man’s Salma Hayek, Count Dracula’s castle looks like it’ll soon have a babyfaced angel trying to throw down an extra-long blond braid from the top window to let her prince climb in and the Three Wives look like they’re whores from some New York agency? ? ? (should I continue the list?)
I don?t understand much of technical details but since the result (i.e. the complete movie) was stinky, I hope I won’t be sued if I don?t call them exactly excellent. Ahhh, mortals and their movies! What convinced me to curl my wings under the cobweb on that deliciously cold night to watch that stuff? Must be the hangover from the 13 shots of AB Plus Bloody Mary I had the night before ? AB Plus doesn?t suit me, somehow ...
AND last but not the least. Anybody willing to join the Grand Halloween Johnny Depp Feast at Hotel Dracula Castle (the real one! ? all cool castles have been made into hotels, na?) in Transylvania must start inquiring right now. Prices are a bit on the steep side though, and those who haven’t belonged to Us for less than a year can’t apply (So no chance, newbies! But don’t hesitate from getting yourself bitten though, for who knows we might have someone more delicious next year? Fantasize, fantasize ?)
After all, it’s the festive season guys!