Well, this was it. I and my associate Private Nan who goes by the alias of Firstautumn on Mouthshut were going to trail a notorious chicken molester( I know, how horrible, how could he, those poor birds, what did they even do to him, they just refused to lay an egg, sniff, sob) to a trendy pub in Bangalore. But what did we have to wear. We could not go there with our Bowlers hat and beige overcoats.
We needed help. We needed help badly. Then I turned to Private Nan and studied her face and then remembered that she had been to college and that too med college. She must know something. So I turned to her and said, “Nan, you got to help us”. She said “Sir, yes, Sir.” I told her, if we did not want to look suspicious then we also had to “talk” the “talk”. So of we went shopping for new outfits and accessories. Correction. So off we went to get us some new gear and stuff and some skin.
The first stop was the Spykar Showroom. She said, ”You goin to a party and this is the place you gotta go first. You know what I am saying. You get the complete gear here man. Let us get you some nice pants first.” She browsed through the shelves there and got me a “maverick” fit pant which I guess was double my size. But I wore it and I was pretty satisfied with what I saw in the mirror. She then said “You now need something nice on top.” I took out a nice light blue shirt and she laughed at my face. She threw that shirt and got me an Orange short shirt. Well I reluctantly wore that. But again I was happy with what I saw in the mirror.
Private Nan then said, you need a some more gear to make you look and smell all hip and cool. So we then went to buy some perfume. I was instantly attracted to the dark blue bottle standing there. It was so ME! It was dark and it was blue! It reminded me of me. I would hear no more and I went and brought myself a bottle of Hugo Boss - Dark Blue.
She then suggested that we go and buy myself some footwear and shades. I said what was wrong with my Ray Ban and my trusty weathered Woodlands. She gave me a look of “Oh, you old geezer.” She said, “You need to get something more trendy, dude. You get my drift. Ray Ban is passé. Let us go and get you a pair of Oakley first”.
She dragged me to a showroom and after making me wear atleast a gazillion pairs, she decided on the one which I had worn first. It was the one that Agent Ethan Hunt wore in Mission Impossible II. Oh that reminds me of our joint mission in California where a guy was stealing Eminem’s underwear. That was a brilliant case. It is Infact a case study for aspiring agents and detectives. Anyways those shades cost a whopper. 9000 bucks! But they were worth it, I guess.
As for footwear, she took me to the Nike showroom and got me the later pair of Nikes. They cost me around Rs 4000. They were pretty comfortable but try as I might I could not get myself to fly like Michael Jordan in one of the posters they had at the showroom.
And I was finally done. Or so I thought. Private Nan was enjoying this more that I thought. She said, “We are not yet done”. I said, No, I screamed “WHAT!” We still have to get you some more stuff. She took me to a shop which sold imported goods and got me a L’Oreal Out of Bed hair gel for around Rs 300 and put some of it onto my hair and gave my hair a spiky look which I admitted looked cool.
So then I was ready to go and catch the Chicken Molester. I went into the pub and there I noticed him. I would have gone and caught him if the two hot girls who were checking me out did not come and offer me a drink. All thanks to Private Nan.
But after all this was over, I told Private Nan, that this time we let the Chicken Molester go, but next time we would catch him. Watch this space for the next episode of Private Psychelock and Private Nan and the Amazing Case of the Chicken Molester.