Dear Reader, here is my list of the 5 most happening brands that you must possess if you want to be hip, hep, hot & cool all at the same time.(Please forgive me if the reasons that are cited below do not appeal to you so much as to go buy these brands right away.They aren’t supposed to, in the first place.I also apologise for not restricting these’brands’ to’shirts & trousers’.)So here goes:
BRAND NO.1: A LAND CRUISER.(preferably with a bottle of Bacardi on the dashboard & a useless police constable hung to the rear door.)
BRAND AMBASSADOR: SALMAN KHAN.
DRIVING SUGGESTIONS: Drive after downing 4 to 5 pegs of the drink that adorns your dashboard(see above).Drive around pavement dwellers fast asleep outside their shops.Or better still, drive’over’ them.And if one or more get killed in the’accident’, don’t worry.Run & hide at a friend’s place.Serves them right for sleeping right on the spot where your car chose to take you.Lazybones!Night isn’t the time when you should be sleeping.It is the time when you should be driving your land cruiser around suburban pavements.
HOW IT WILL MAKE YOU COOL:You will be jailed for a month, during which our highly forgiving nation will shed truckloads of tears for you.Directors who had forgotten that you exist will bombard you with film offers.
You will be on a signing spree.Once out, first thing, go & check your land cruiser & ensure that it has not been damaged in the’accident’.If you find dry blood stains of the deceased, sue his family for damages & use the money for a good cause, like buying more bottles of Bacardi, & zoom off in your vehicle.
BRAND NO.2:FERRARI(especially one gifted to you by Fiat for endorsing the company’s brand)
BRAND AMBASSADOR: SACHIN TENDULKAR.
DRIVING SUGGESTIONS:None(you cannot drive one in Mumbai, remember?The roads will soon convert the Ferrari to a’Khatari’.)
HOW IT WILL MAKE YOU COOL:First, write a letter to a minister whom you know well, requesting him to waive the Rs.2.5 crore excise duty on the vehicle, even when you know that one advertisement is all it will take for you to recover the tax money, which anyway, you can more than afford to pay.Create a situation wherein the people press the govt. to waive the tax, & the govt. obliges.Let the exchequer be deprived of Rs.2.5 crore.Use the money that you save to set up an expensive restaurant and your own clothes brand catering only to the stinking rich.
BRAND NO.3:COKE(not the drink)
BRAND AMBASSADOR: FARDEEN KHAN.
UH.ER.WELL, SNORTING SUGGESTIONS:Make sure the police are around while you are buying the powder from the drug peddler.After being arrested, make the most forlorn expression when the T.V. cameras focus on you, plead guilty & evoke the sympathies of the people.
HOW IT WILL MAKE YOU COOL: Young girls(and boys) who wouldn’t have given a thought to putting up your poster(if any) in their rooms will suddenly drool over you & make you their role model.You will soon start getting film offers from directors who once wouldn’t have considered having you even as an’extra’ in their movies.What’s more!Provogue will make you its brand ambassador!Not to forget the advertisements(including Pepsi) lined up for you.
BRAND NO.4:MOTHER TERESA.
BRAND AMBASSADOR(S):MISS INDIAS, MISS WORLDS, MISS UNIVERSES, ACTORS, POLITICIANS, WRITERS, YOU NAME THEM.
SUGGESTIONS:Come on, everyone knows how to use Mother Teresa as a brand.
HOW IT WILL MAKE YOU COOL:Say she is your idol.Say you are going to follow her footsteps even as the good Mother squirms in her grave.With the Miss Whatever title, you also win an all expenses paid trip to 169 countries.Make sure you are photographed with underprivileged children in each of the 169 countries.After returning home, make a beeline for Bollywood, & dedicate your first film to the Mother.
If you possess none of the above brands, I suggest you go get a life!
And now, get ready for the ultimate, most happening brand.
BRAND NO.5: http://www.mouthshut.com
BRAND AMBASSADORS:ALL OF US.
SUGGESTIONS:I’D BETTER KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT!
HOW IT WILL MAKE YOU COOL:NOW, THAT’S A TRICKY ONE!YOU GO FIGURE!
PS:IF YOU ARE NOT A PART OF BRAND NO.5, I SUGGEST YOU REALLY GO GET A LIFE.AND THIS TIME, I MEAN IT.!