The Cast in this review
H2S3D - His Holiness Sri sri sri doss also referred as Guruji
GB - Ganesh bhakta
DB - DAvie bhakta
MB - Maddy bhai (***Special appearance)
Ants - Ants
The enlightenment of the Worst Actresses
It was a cold July morning in the Himalayas. ( my review !!! Weather in any timezone is customizable). Gb and DB walk down nervous to the tree where H2S3D was in deep meditation. As we go down to greet him
H2S3D (speaking with eyes closed): Welcome GB and DB. How was your Himalayan tour.
GB: Guruji, We had a great time. I loved the view here.
DB: Guruji, Isnt there any shopping malls here.
H2S3D ( laughs slightly): My dear DB, I read 1500 magazines per month and 10 newspapers everyday. Dont you think I know that what your was your distraction in shopping Malls. I know you want to do some girl watching.
DB Looks embarrassed.
GB makes a face at DB.
H2S3D: So, I know you guys are eager to research on the Worst Actresses.
H2S3D claps twice and much to astonishment of GB and DB, some of the ants come out with a remote control bring it at the feet of H2S3D
H2S3D points the remote control to the tree top and clicks , and suddenly from nowhere a 50’’ flat screen emerges and two chairs pops up from the ground.
H2S3D: Be seated bhaktas . Watch my presentation. on the Doss vision ( the 50’’ flat screen monitor )
H2S3D: Before we go into any details about the actresses. I will appraise you of the Laws.
GB: What laws guruji.
H2S3D: GB, you are always in hurry, dont you know about me, have you lost faith.
GB: Sorry guruji.
( DB makes a face at GB )
H2S3D: DOSS LAW # 1. Behind every successful exposure, there is an ant
GB and DB looking confused.
H2S3D:I have researched throughly with my ant friends. Now that I know how they work. I have made this Law only for Mamta Kolkarni. Mind you the pun is intended. Mamta is afraid of ants getting on to her clothes she decides to fool the ant so she removes them. But her talent is again based on the fact that she has dress allergy. And sooner she gets rid of them the better she feels.
DB: guruji, DO you think you can help her.
H2S3D: Does she need help. I dont think so. Its the ants who need help.
GB: why the ants guruji ?
H2S3D: Bhaktas, you are so naive. can you think why do ants need help. any way no further discussion entertained on this.
Gb and DB together: Ok guruji
H2S3D:DOSS LAW # 2- Behind every controlled breath, there is an equal and opposite ant
DB: whom are we talking about guruji ?
H2S3D: Amisha Patel
DB : Guruji I know there is a very wise and noble gesture towards this.
H2S3D: She is so asthmatic. Can confuse her crying for bronchitis. One movie I saw , She left every one confused. I saw she was afraid of ants. such a silly girl. But what she doesnt know is she scared the ants. you see, there is a war going on everywhere. In the air, in the oceans , even in our own body. the Antibodies enter and the immune system developed and genetically engineered by God, fights these antibodies. So you see there is a war going on in our own body.
GB: Did the ants tell you guruji ?
H2S3D: GB, I can retain the ant within my fingers and feel the heart beats of the ants and thus you are anted.
To accomplish this , you must be one with the ants. Not any of the mortals know this, but ants are symbolism of peace and brotherhood.
DB: But guruji Ants bite dont they?
H2S3D: They dont fight amongst themselves. Ants bite because it is their natural instinct. Now Bhaktas dont divert the topic. Lets get back to Amisha The breathless Patel. She needs to control her breath and tears. Seeing one with tears doesnt convince the mass that a person can act. You can actually put a straight face with no movements and still convey your feelings to the mass. That, my dear bhaktas is the key to good acting.
and Now we come to the next on the list.
DOSS LAW # 3 - Uniformity, Ants are uniform
GB: Who is this Guruji.
H2S3D: Look at the screen and you will be convinced.
Here GB and DB watched the screen and some dialogs , songs, dances being displayed on the Doss vision.
DB: This is Khiladi 420
GB: no yaaar this is Pyaar koi Khel Nahin
H2S3D: Silence!!! This is a super mix of all the movies Mahima Choudhry. After Pardes , she has been uniform in her acting prowess. No improvement. If you see any of her movie she has the same expression. Same dialog delivery Etc.
GB and DB nod their heads in approval and the Doss Philosophy.
Suddenly H2S3D motions us to be quiet. And he begins speaking to himself. DB and GB look at each other confused. DB look around if there was anyone apart from us he was speaking to. No , cant see anyone.
GB whispers : Hey DB, may be he speaks on the mobile hands free.
DB: No man , I dont see any mobile or wires.
GB: you cant know the ants may be carrying the mobile somewhere.
H2S3D: shhhhhhhhhhh.... I am speaking to the bacteria. I have some amazing revelation.
DOSS LAW # 4- All work and no play, makes the Ant Pale
All Kareena Kapoorcan do is dance , amd oooze the ooomph. But acting is what is missing. you see the world is in turmoil and Himalaya is melting. She is Anaemic. I know what you are thinking in mind DB.
DB: err guruji .. me .. errr nothing guruji.
H2S3D: DB ??
DB: Guruji , she is quiet a babe. That was what I was thinking.
H2S3D: that is the problem. She is a babe. She cant be anything but a babe. Beauty read as Paleness doesnt convince the acting prowess. Plus aaarhg .. how can anyone compare an anemic victim to a result of a Fair and lovely cream.
Gb and DB trying not to laugh
DOSS LAW # 5 - An Ant in hand is worth two in the dance floor
No sooner Doss had uttered the LAW, everything went dark. DB and Gb looked around but .. nothing was visible.
Suddenly not so far away .. A light came down from above and shone , revealing a Casio Keyboard ( remember people ... I have spent a lot for special effects you better like it or else....!!). Then Gb and DB see a character playing the instrument. and then we see a Dance floor and H2S3D appeared in a different costume. He was closely resembling Lord Shiva .. and had a Naaga around his neck. H2S3D closes his eyes and stretched out his hand and CLANG comes a sound and voila there he is with a trishul.
The music came from the Casio keyboard and when we looked closely we say a familiar face playing the Casio. GB and Db recognized him as MB. The Musical reviewer of MS.( mouth shut)
H2S3D danced and danced to the tune .. the dance is nataraja natya and we had an impression that not even Lord Shiva could have danced better. We could see the Himalayas emitting glaciers and the iced ground shook a little . Gb and DB looked scared but , they trust the guruji they just remained firm in their seats and their belief.
Continued in comment ...