Dear Diary,
Finally, Khakee has released and it has ensured that I will not become gayab from the film industry. My sister Ekta/Ektaa/Eaktaa (I am not sure of her spelling, I have a sneaking suspicion that she herself is confused) loved Khakee so much that she wanted to launch a serial called Kyuunki ... Kaakee Bhi Kabhii Khakee Pehennnti Thi. Now, after Khakee, I hope that good directors come knocking on my doorstep. And I wish that these good directors give me good roles. I don’t want them to make fun of me like Rakesh Roshan did, when he offered me the role of Jadoo in Koi Mil Gaya ...
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Dear Diary,
I just don’t believe my good fortune. Ramuji offered me a role in one of his forthcoming movies! No, by Ramu, I do not mean Ramsay offering me the role of a skeleton or something like that, I am talking about the most adored director in Bollywood - the man who churns out films at the rate at which my idol, Alok Nath smiles - Ram Gopal Verma.
At first, I was apprehensive. Until now, I could blame my poor acting on bad directors, bad script, bad weather, bad TRPs of my sister’s serials affecting my concentration etc etc. But now, with Ramuji producing the film, I will not be able to make any excuses. When I told this to Ramuji, he smiled and patted my back, saying, ’’Don’t worry. You won’t need to act to look convincing in this role because you will play a loser.’’ Aah, now that’s one role which should come naturally to me! I smiled back at him, the way a monkey grins on seeing a banana. Ramuji added, ’’And anyway, most of the time, the audience will not notice you. They will be busy staring at Antara’s transparent outfits, debating whether they actually saw what they saw.’’ I smiled as if the monkey has now seen a banana milkshake and accepted the offer.
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Dear Diary,
I visited the makeup man of Gayab today. He told me that I will be donning a new look for this film. He advised me to stop using lipstick and to wear thick glasses, the kind which Shreeram Lagoo used to wear. As per my character, I also had to wear the same shirt all the time, as God helped to make only one shirt invisible. I wonder why God is partial only to one shirt ... perhaps all other shirts are manufactured by Satan.
The shooting of the film got underway. And to my surprise, there was no director around. Prawaal Raman had become gayab, or well, at least, his direction was gayab. I met Antara and she seemed to be really tired. She told me that she had been up all night, doing her homework for the role by watching Urmila Matondkar’s dances, costumes and facial expressions in Rangeela, Daud and Mast.
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Dear Diary,
Shooting proceeded peacefully. Prawaal Raman sat on his chair so silently that I feared that he had had an emotional breakdown after watching my sister’s soaps. With his misdirection, we continued shooting. My character had turned invisible by now. But, the audience could see me at times so that they could see for the first time that Tusshar Kapoor can also act. So, at times I was invisible, and at other times, for the audience’s benefit, I was visible ... Kabhie Gayab, Kabhi Visible (should recommend this title to sis)
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Dear Diary,
We shot the songs today. It was great fun. In the title song, I had the opportunity to drench Antara with a water hose while her mammaries are spilling out. I needed five takes to do this sequence becuase every time, I would drop the hose and exclaim, ’’Arre, sab kucch dikhta hai, kucch bhi gayab nahin hai!’’
The second song was even greater fun. While this time, Antara’s possessions were safely inside, they weren’t gayab ... transparent kapde zindabad! I love the lyrics of this song - ’You are my Superman, you are my Spiderman’. It is the first time someone has called me ’man’, leave alone ’Superman’ and ’Spiderman’ ...
You know, I sometimes wonder who the target audiences for this film are. The film is so idiotic that only kids will love it, but when these kids see Antara in this song, they are sure to ask their mummy what are those round-round things poking in her dress...
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Dear Diary,
Ramuji has fulfilled his promise. He had promised me that I will act better than everyone in Gayab. That is why, perhaps, he instructed Antara to forget the acting skills she had displayed in Company and concentrate on displaying other things, this time. In fact, I believe that Ramuji even forced a great Raghuvir Yadav to act stupidly. Or perhaps he purposely wrote a horrible, underbaked role for him so that he does not get any scope to perform.
The film is due for release next week. Ekta/Eaktaa/Ektaa (she still needs time to decide on the perfect spelling, she tells me) has already started writing the scripts for all her serials with my film in mind. Ya, I am not joking when I am saying that her serials have scripts! Now, don’t be surprised if you find Tulsi and Ba talking about Gayab. So no crying in serials for a week! God bless Eks! (safe spelling to use, or maybe she might make it Ekss ... or Eeeks!)
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Dear Diary,
The film has released. There is this fellow called Raj Lalwani, who has just seen this movie. I believe that he loves all my movies because that I make him laugh even more than P.G. Woodhouse does. In fact, he also gives me a lot of publicity on mouthshut.com by writing plenty of reviews against me!
But for the first time, he said that he will not criticize my acting. Yeah! He did use the word ’acting’ with reference to me! He told me that I had excelled in the role, though he added that it was probably only because I was invisible, half the time.
But he also said that apart from some engaging moments in the first half hour, he hated the movie. He hated Antara because in spite of her body parts occupying the entire screen, she constantly got on his nerves. He hated the script and screenplay, which he opines, were gayab. He believes that a promising concept was washed down the drain as Ramu and Prawaal Raman were truly confused as to what they wanted to show.
Yet, he actually said that I acted! Yoohoo, I am off to tell my sis this great news and I am sure that she will be inspired by this and will bring out a new serial called Kahiin To Acttting Hogiii.
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