Its Not All About Sex! Its About Money, Honey & Physical too! All you need is a Vehicle ... Come Join the Great Indian Tamasha out on the streets! If you are already lovin’ It, you’ll like whats inside... Fasten Your Seat Belts, I’ll take you for a ride.
I shall take the driver’s seat today! No sympathy or compassion, but the intent is to jump lights, run ‘em over, screech to halts against the flow, honk the ears out…in short, to live up to the hype & hoopla which constitutes the Great Indian Driver. And no, Narain K is not “the subject matter of solicitation”. Its a Mutual Fund, Dahlings and It’ll take your Breath Away (or whatever is left at the end of this)!
Here’s promoting a New Mutual Fund Offering to your marketable conscience, a Fund which will give you not 10, not 20 but 100% returns. Whats more, if you do it, everyone else does it too! And if you don’t, the others still will! So its your call, after all.
A little bio data on this Contra {cos it goes against the popular tide} Fund, which goes by the name “ Pure India Traffic Fund(a)”. This is a diversified fund, ie, it gets into everything on the roads that you can think of, and, performs equally on village roads, urban roa-tholes and the Express Highway. It is, at the same time, a Growth Fund, ‘cos its ‘ass’et base (= number of subscribers) can only go Up (with accompanying Pulse. BP and Stress levels, and fuel bills!). It is rated ‘AAA+’ by Whistle – the 3As standing for “Absolute Aggression, Always” and the + symbolic of the professions which benefit most from more people joining this Fund, ie, Doctors (courtesy increased accidents) and Priests (courtesy doctors who couldn’t save ‘em all).
The NAV (Net Accident Value) would be 10.1, meaning 10 accidents guaranteed to every member who religiously stays with this Fund for 1 year. {Mind you, NAV in current street scenario is likely only to shoot up}.
The Fund Managers include Mr Nanda Jr., Mr Sallu Khan and Mr Pawn Abraham (to cover the animal conservation angle).
The Trustees are the Delhi Police, who shall be WUFUA – With U For U, Always; if the U is still around! They shall be assisted by Banks of State Policemen.
The Chief Patron is a gentleman who wishes to be known only by the initials LPY, or ‘Chaara’, and the Head Office shall be at Patna, with regional offices at every place with more than 10000 members (targeting all 604 districts by end of 2007, by current trends).
Now, a look at The Indices, which would benchmark this Fund’s performance.
(a) Ragex : The index of average road rage quotient of top 10 member bases. The more you ‘rage’ on road, the more your (oops..our) Index will perform and higher your NAV (refresh full form of NAV, NOW)!
(b) Speedex : Driven by the average daily number of times a driver who is a member exceeds speed limits in his own domain.
(c) Blinkex : Depends on number of exclusive ‘High Beam’ driving members, forcing maximum number of onward drivers to look away, lose car-control or self-control, or, undergo optical surgery within 7 working days.
(d) Honkex : Revolves around the “Brand Positioning” of ‘Tumhaara Pom Pom Mere Pom Pom Se Zabardast Kaise’. Needless to say, the loudest and weirdest honks and honkers win. {If you have a USP, ie, a horn which can make the rider ahead jump off his vehicle, you get a bonus of 1 unit for each unit you hold, on a weekly turnover basis}.
(e) Zig Zag-ex : This is a high-end evaluation technique coined by Prof. Are-Indian Cho-Creep, and depends on liquidity of confusion on the roads, as also how much you ca personally contribute to it, by the ‘Consistent Weaver Method’ (right-left-right again is one cycle), at speeds not less than 60 kmph, without losing physical contact with the horn. Only moves resembling the Sensex Graph of May-Jun06 and producing a minimum of 10 loud honks from behind (from members/ non-members), qualify for evaluation. Absence of a license and/or possession of a ‘fraud’ license earn you bonus points redeemable at the end of one year of actual survival.
Cons:
(a) The later you join, the higher the entry load (no Exit loads, valuing the sentiments attached to any ‘Exit’- timely or untimely).
(b) If you don’t do it, others anyway will. So you lose out on Early Bird benefits amounting to a few additional miles of peace.
(c) Ignorentia Juris Non Excusat : (=) If You Don’t Know the Rule (and so cant break it), Its not a valid excuse for Sane Driving or for not joining the Fund.
(d) If you don’t join this popular bandwagon, where most of driving & walking India are anyway headed in the near future, you are likely to have to walk the Earth a few more years (and pay more bills for vehicle repairs).
Pros:
(a) Folks, it’s a team effort. Continue to beat each Index personally and in groups, and your NAV is sure to peak.
(b) The more you add on, the merrier the muddle, the more the new entrants and the better the NAV of everyone.
(c) Stay in (vested, you anyway will be, by the end!) for at least 3 years for assured high Net Accident Value of your portfolio, tending to 100%.
(d) You get to contribute to the “India Driving’ campaign by your efforts and to containing population explosion (China’s already there through a different route, pals).
If you
(i) don’t have a driving license (even fraud)
(ii) don’t understand the market/jargon/concepts/indices
(iii) don’t like the ambient driving scenario on Indian roads
(iv) just plain n simple are in love with this concept in your capacity as Current Practitioners…..
then…
Jump right on, and let us guide you to realizing the India & home of your dreams -one where you wont need money, insurance, taxes & cars ever again…but just a good photo, a wooden frame with glass and a small lamp on the wall, at most.
Come Join the Pure India Traffic Fund(a) & look down from the skies upon the world in a maximum of 3 years (quite literally)…
Our Motto: Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna!
Bad driving is the subject matter of solicitation. Read the Offer Document Carefully before Starting Up!
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