This is what abuse and depression will do to a person. I found this very old letter that I wrote to my family and as I read it, I began to thank the Good Lord for showing me He was boss in my life and that He had a plan for me.
I wanted to share this because, abuse is very serious, and it causes a horrible, painful, depression. So bad in fact that one can and does think about taking their own life! As you read this, please do not think that I am this way now. For I am most certainly not! I have made many great changes in my life; one of the most important was deciding to take over my depression and not to let it take over me!
If you are being abused, get out! If you are depressed, get out! See someone, talk to someone, but do it! Don’t let depression take the best part of you away. Your heart and soul!
This was very hard for me to share, but I do so, in hopes to make people realize that depression is very serious.
August 12, 1995
To My Wonderful Family,
Know first of all that I have always loved you. I have truly enjoyed the years we have spent together.
But on this day, I write to you about my sorrows. My sadness. My disturbances. My fears, my lost dreams and hopes.
All my life I have wanted the good things in life. And I have had many. My parents, my siblings, my husband and children. My belief in God. I have always tried to do right by you all. But, now I feel that I must do a serious wrong. I know that you will never forgive me.
Especially my father. This is a man who is proud of what he is and what he has become. And so he should be. I love you daddy. I always will. I hope that you can forgive me one day for what I have done. I am a lost cause as well as a lost soul. Forgive me please.
My mother, oh how I love you. You have always been there for me. I have so many wonderful memories of you that I will take with me. You have been my life. Forgive me please.
My sister and brother. Though we have not always been close together you have always been in my heart. I love you both very much. You will always be my first brother and sister. Forgive me.
To my other brothers and sisters. I have enjoyed you so much these past two years. Hearing your voices, reading your letters, seeing you, and loving you. No doubt there are those of you who don’t except me. And no wonder, with the way your lives were lead. With the parents you had to endure. I am so sorry that your lives were not as good and kind as mine. And I am sorry that we never knew the whole truth behind all the lies. But the memories that we had are short and wonderful. Thank you. Forgive me.
To the man who denied me twice in lone lifetime. You are a bigger coward than I thought. Here you were not two hours from me. Did you call, did you come to see me. No you did not. And this is what pushed me over the edge. It’s mostly your fought that I feel the way I do. So I don’t ask for your forgiveness, for it is not worth my time.
To mom, I love you. I know that things have always been hard for you. I can only hope that you now come clean with the whole truth. In hopes that you and the rest of your children become closer. In hopes that you all can forgive one another. If you were to grant me one wish, this would be it. I love you. Forgive me.
To my wonderful husband. I have tears in my eyes now. When I thing about the pain I am going to cause you it hurts real badly. But not bad enough. I must do this. Know that you are not the cause of my death. You and the children are the reason for living. You have brought me so many good times. But I am a sick woman. I have been for some time. I am miserable to the point of no return. You have been a good husband and father. I know that you will continue to be. Our life together has been wonderful. Never forget that. And no doubt you will never forgive me. I can only hope that the love you have felt for me will help you to forgive me in time. Go on with your life. Be all the things you wanted to be. All the things we wanted to be. I love you with all my heart and soul. Remember all our plans, our dreams and all our hopes. Continue to make them happen for our children. Be strong for them.
No doubt you’ll ask me why then did I leave this world if I loved you so much. It is because of this love that I did. I feel that I have been a failure to you. You deserve more than that. You deserve a woman who is strong. Not weak like me. I am weak. Very weak. You deserve a woman who can give you more than I can.
I just can’t give anymore.
You will always be the love of my life. The light of my eyes. The wings that carried me far. But it has come time for me to let go and to move on. Forgive me.
To my darling, wonderful children. I know that now you probably hate me. I don’t blame you. I hate me too. No not really. I loved myself at one time. But life just got to hard for me. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. And I know that you knew I was writing this letter. Cruel uh. But if you had left me alone, you would not have known what I was doing.
I know that I have not been a good mother. I don’t deny that. And no doubt you will hate me forever. I don’t blame you. I can only hope that one day you will forgive me. And understand why I had to leave you.
You guys have brought me so much joy. Please don’t ever think other wise. We all make mistakes. And mine was loving too much. Wearing my heart on my sleeves.
I want you children to do well in life. Make the right choices. Choose the right friends. The right careers. April I want you to be a model, because you are beautiful and would do good at it.
Erica I want you to be a teacher. Because you are wonderful with children and love to learn. And you are a beautiful lady and will make a very good-looking teacher. All the boys will want to be in your class.
Taylor, my darling son, my only son. I waited so long for you. You have brought me so much joy. You and your sisters. I want you to be a preacher. To know and trust God. To believe in yourself. I am sorry son that I have shortened our time together. But your mother is sick. And you don’t need a mother like me. I can only hope that you will never forget me and that you will forgive me.
I know that you girls knew what I was planning to do. Because as usual your mother was stupid. And as usual you girls were to smart for your own good. Neither one of you are the cause of my departure. Don’t ever think that you were. It is crazy to for you to think so. I love you both so much. And I know that you will wonder why I said that, since I took my own life. But it is because of that love that I did.
I have tried to be a good mother. And in many cases I was. But in more cases I was not. And you don’t need someone like me in your life. I am weak but you are strong. And you will go on with your lives. I am sorry for the pain that I may have caused. But you will get over it in time.
I want you children to always remember what I tried to teach you. To love yourself first. To respect yourself. To be good to all those around you. To be strong. Stronger than me. To be helpful. To learn. To behave. To mind. To help your father to go on. Be good my precious children. Forgive me. And thanks for trying to stop me. But some things I must do. And this was one of them.
I love you all so very much. Goodbye.
I hope that this helps in some kind of way. Realizing that there is a problem is the first step, being willing to do something about it is the second, and getting something done about it is the third.
Being abused? Get out! Don’t let it kill you! Don’t let the depression kill you. Get out!
God Bless!
©LKD 1995/2002