Or is it a swagger really? **Smoking**…the ‘ultimate’ tool for expression of machismo(howsoever inconspicuous and *maachis* like that may be otherwise!), the ‘perfect’ way to pack off your mundane worries for the moment, the ‘coolest’ technique to impress the fairer sex except your wife **(ladies….is it actually so?)** and the ‘proven’ method to keep your bowels as chirpy-churpy as a mother hen(fairly happy that is!). The world therefore, according to **Marlboro’s law**, is divided into two kinds of people – smokers and non smokers. Non-smokers have a fairly large subset; the passive smokers….who sometimes are equally addicted. In fact, so addicted that these innocent looking and exceedingly polite perverts actually look for opportunities to sneak into the company of smokers at the slightest pretext. I have an acquaintance who, though himself not a smoker, gets exposed to all kinds of obnoxious/pleasurable fumes arising from his boss(a chain-smoker) throughout the day, six days a week, and is so accustomed that as a consequence, faces serious difficulty falling asleep on Sunday nights, much to the annoyance of his wife…***woh* *na khud sotey hain na mujhe soney dete hain.!**** *Er…well….commonplace marital problems.
Coming back to smoking, **it is a well established fact that it is excellent for the health of cigarette manufacturing companies**, though the packets do not carry a statutory statement to this effect. After all, why do we work? To earn. **And why do we earn? To smoke, live and share our moolah with the cigarette companies.** Simple. And if we earn enough – then to eat, drink, **smoke** and make merry with the extra money…either here or on foreign shores. Yes…we do save sometimes…so that we may still eat, drink, **smoke **and make ‘even more merry’ with artificial dentures(false teeth) in old age. If you are unmarried / unattached and smart enough, you do all this on someone else’s money(and with someone else’s girlfriend if you are even smarter!). Now you take away the smoke(and the drink) and all the fun is reduced to a heap of ashes. *Nah…nahi chalega.* Maybe…just maybe… you may save Rs.20000 – 25000 a year by not smoking(cigarettes+ consequential and avoidable treatment costs+ medicines) and put that money each year into a savings plan which will give you a healthy return in 10 years, but imagine how much fun you will have to forsake for this and how much ‘unroyal’ your life would be without your smoke?
And what can be a better beginning to the day than to stretch out leisurely on the toilet seat with a lighted Dunhill / Wills Classic / Gold Flake(or even a Four Square for that matter!) held delicately between your fingers, the silky feel of TOI on your lap(you might say…*kyon bechare TOI ko loo mey ghaseet rahe ho!*) and the ecstatic experience of the bowels loosening up like honey with the brilliant warmth of each draw from the rich aromatic tobacco. You can even be excused for considering yourself Marlon Brando(***Mar…lo…n*** Brando)! And just don’t pay any of your precious attention to all that grisly talk about **smoking being a sordid habit**.
**So what if smoking gives you sore gums and dirty brown teeth.** Experience gives you grey hair. Do you complain? You rather flaunt it. Grey hair, grey moustache, brown teeth…the stub and the stubble.the works.eh? Marks of a man. **And that dry, nagging, irritating cough?** That constant frog like feeling within your gullet? And when there is nobody nearby, **the vicious desire to clear your husky throat once and for all with such monstrous loudness as if there was no tomorrow?** What if the windows shatter, the cat gets the fright of its nine lives and falls off the parapet and the person in the nearby cubicle pees prematurely in his pants in horror? If you smoke, you are entitled to a royal roar once in a while, aren’t you? **And the bad breath**….chlormint* hai naa…dobaraa mat poochhnaa!*
**And the effect on your child?** Well.he/she too should learn the undisputed facts of life. How else would you be able to teach him how to live life **kingsize**. Size matters after all. Your kid should be able to proudly pronounce – **MY…DADDY…SMELLI…EST!** And if you find out that your boy is aping his daddy and especially if you find your cigarettes pilfered, don’t be startled. Just go ahead and act like a daddy….box his ears with a stern warning.
So what if smoking increases the risk of contracting some innocuous and inconsequential health problems like **bronchitis, hypertension, coronary artery disease, stroke and even cancer**? No problem! What are the stupid docs there for?** *Sab*$@!# mouthshut par faltoo baithe baithe apna aur doosron ka waqt barbaad karte hain….***Let them and health insurance people take care of your system. None of your own business really!
And never ever think of quitting smoking. Though it is quite easy. Really no big deal. Mark Twain once remarked that he had himself quit smoking many times! Maybe by quitting smoking you will live longer and live better; quitting will lower your chances of having a heart attack, stroke, or cancer; if you are pregnant **(this is only for the ladies…ok?)**, quitting smoking will improve your chances of having a healthy baby; the people you live with, especially your children and your elderly parents, will be healthier and of course, you will have extra money to spend on things other than cigarettes. But what about the flavours and pleasures of life? And the endless hassles? You will have to avoid your smoker friends and earn their wrath. You will have to stay clear of all kinds of OMs(I mean the liquefied kind….alcohol…and not the ‘spirit’ual OM…oops!), suppress your urges resolutely, stick to a disciplined life and engage in oh-so-boring fitness routines. **Just to become a sensible Son…a model Papa….a respectable Boyfriend or an ideal Hubby?** Nah…the stakes are too high.
**So, here’s the menu for the day –
***Chef’s Special – **Life**(Large portion, dressed and garnished)
**How would you like it – grilled, roasted or **smoked**?
**Or just plain and disarmingly simple – with just a pinch of salt and pepper?*
**Finally, to all plagiarism watchdogs:** See I have tried my best to be as original as possible, still the possibility of certain facts being similar to existing content on the internet remains. If you succeed in ‘digging up’ any such similarity, just mail me / place a comment politely and I shall do my best to rephrase my article. Just don’t screw me up savagely in public as was done with Anton. He didn’t really deserve what he got(absolutely personal opinion).
**Thanks as always for reading my stuff. The comments space is entirely yours. Go ahead dudes and make it a ‘mother-of-all-debates’ on smoking. **
**Sudipto Chakravarty – 007(2 is inconsequential)**