So...how many Lewd Lewinskys would it take to prevent flyingelephant from driving home? Between Duck Fart and Moose Shit, what would be the naval architect’s preferred evening dip. Okay…how are Zulu, Angel and Kiss in the Dark related? Is having Sex On The Beach better than fiddling nervously with a Screwdriver! If you are still wondering what on the earth am I trying to arrive at, well all these are the names of exotic cocktails….a delicate and extremely sensitive subject that falls exclusively within Sanjoy and Shyam’s areas of divine interest! So what am I doing here? Well…
I am only taking a shallow dip in the alco’holy’ streams …and sharing the tit-bits of ‘spirit’ual gyan which I could cull from various sources after being urged to do so by ‘almost_famous’ (Anu – see, now you are famous indeed!). Cocktails are the worlds’ oldest recipes. In fact, the history of alcoholism is full of anecdotes. It is surmised by alco-historians that man’s ancestors developed opposable thumbs to facilitate holding a beer glass by their descendents! What foresight! And do you know that Stone Age men sucked rotten berries to get the ‘kick’ and the badly needed bravado to spear a woolly mammoth without peeing in their pants (loinskins rather) in terror (adventures of ‘suckleberry’ finn….hahaha!) And man later invented farming just to grow grains, extract malt and brew the choicest beers!
In 2000 BC, the Scots brewed beer; in 1800 BC the Chinese discovered the height of alchemy…they found out that chewing rice, chestnuts and millet and then spitting the mush into a tub and allowing it to ferment resulted in the mush turning into beer (Confucius later quipped – “Man with big mouth should make delicious beer, not bodacious boasts.") The Slavs invented vodka in 1150 AD. The Russians cleverly called it "little water, " as in: "Hey Maria Ivanovna….hic…I ain’t drinking, I’m just having...hic… little water" or “Hey doc…see what has happened to my man Nikolai Petrovich…he is drinking little water and pissing a lot these days…!!!” And finally, the corkscrew was invented in 1850 AD. Drunks no longer needed to struggle to push the cork down into the bottle with a stick.
Now comes the moot question….is alcohol any good? So far, only red wine….yes, ONLY RED WINE has been conclusively proven to be good for the heart in moderate quantities…..but wait….don’t rejoice as yet…..studies so far have been carried out only in rats….hey...wait.. .hey…too late….the connoisseurs have already left to finish off that Chateau Bordeux red wine..I know it!
Well, continuing from where we left, medical science is not altogether averse to the idea of consuming alcohol in moderation, this however, should not be taken as an approval of the habit. ‘In moderation’ is rather a flexible term - stretchable - but generally speaking, all social drinkers know their limits. How does alcohol affect us? The ‘heavenly’ effects of alcohol are due to its effects on the brain. The stuff first gets absorbed from our stomach, gets into the bloodstream and into the brain. The effects are related to the concentration in blood….what we call Blood Alcohol Concentration (BAC). Lets see what happens when BAC rises-
1 drink (one whisky) – Feeling of relaxation, slight euphoria, loss of shyness.
It feels good…saala life ho to aisi
2 drinks - Feeling of well-being, euphoria, relaxation, lowering of inhibitions, lowering of caution. Some minor impairment of reasoning and memory. Behavior may become exaggerated and emotions intensified.
I lost my job…so whattt? I’ll still make millions (euphoria and impairment of reasoning)
You know Kumar…my earlier boss was an a$$^@!& (lowering of inhibitions)
I tell you Kumar…..my new boss is a bigger a$$^@!& (lowering of caution)
3 drinks - Slight impairment of balance, speech, vision, reaction time, and hearing. Euphoria. Loss of sexual inhibitions. Judgment and self-control are reduced, and caution and reason are thrown to the winds. You will probably believe that you are functioning better than you really are.
That @#!$*&! Bush shcrood Irrak…tomorrow..he will…..schroo..us….make me the pushydent…and shee aw I schroo him…
Hey Kernal saab….who ish zat bblack ffat lady with yoo…yor wife…hahahaha…
I see two trucks….no… shit…one truck whew……. see……I drive very well….
4 drinks - Loss of good judgment. Inappropriate sexual behaviour. Speech is slurred; balance, vision, reaction time and hearing are all impaired. Euphoria still prevails.
Bill kl...klinton…cool dude shaa…la… lucky man…..
Iff…. KPSSS can shlap bums….I can shlap bedr…..
Oye …one more Jonei….Waakar….(Sir! 4 ho gaya…) shaa…la….tum mera….dringk….khaunt karta ay…..shaa…la battameej meri bbibi…bbibi…..bhi khaunt nai karti hai…..meri girlfen bhi shaala mera dringk…..khaunt .nai karti….aur tum #$&^%@*!!.....
5 drinks - Gross functional impairment and lack of physical control. Blurred vision and major loss of balance. Euphoria is reduced and anxiety and restlessness begin to appear. Judgment and perception are severely impaired.
Saara duniya…hic….shaala…topshy.. turvi ow raha hai… hic…
Bai….bbai ghud nite ..hic… aai…aai….am ggo…. Ggoing….hic….
6 drinks – Anxiety, restlessness and nausea predominate.
7 drinks – Felling dazed, confused and disoriented. Will need help to stand or walk. If you injure yourself you may not feel the pain. May vomit. **(Some real bravehearts can sign upto 7 drinks……)
*8 – 9 drinks – You passout.
Saar, ye to gaya
And if you are in a position to get up next morning, rest assured to have a worst kind of hangover.
So, what is responsible drinking. Simple. Drink only when YOU want to. Do not let others dictate when, where and what you drink. Know when to stop. Drink slowly. People get drunk quickly when they gulp down drinks and do not realize how much they are consuming. Don’t drink on an empty stomach. Have something to eat as well. It is a great idea to have a glass of water there as well and drink the two together. Designate a driver. If there is no designated driver, you should be the responsible one and abstain from drinking. Remember that driving under the influence, no matter how little, can kill.
Okay, the review seems to be incomplete without mentioning the cures for hangover. Sample this –
Americans mix a Prairie Oyster - raw egg, tomato juice, Worcester sauce, vinegar and cognac.
French resort to cafe du sel - strong coffee with salt.
Germans favor a magnesium-rich breakfast of bananas, red meat and milk or herrings with mustard and juniper berries.
Japanese drink green tea.
British prefer Pick-Me-Up - a mixture of alcohol, gentian, ammonia, camphor and vitamins.
Russians resort to drinking of pickled cucumber brine and foulmouthing everybody.
Italians have sex.
Australians pick up a nasty brawl.
Indians…. What is the comment section for…..what say folks??
Thanks as always for reading and tolerating my review. Comments invited.