I heard you loud and clear :
“For you, a thousand times over, ”
You were probably dying to repeat this line someday. The day when you can say this line as I used to tell you Amir Agha. I know that I have been away from this world for long but I still watch you and somewhere in your heart you know that. You were probably waiting for a day when it doesn’t sound forced or when you will have the courage to be the man your father always wanted you to be.
I saw you running. A grown man running with a swarn of screaming children. But you didn’t care. You ran with the wind blowing on your face and a smile as wide as the Valley of Panjsher on your lips.
You Ran.
You ran the way I used to run to catch the kites cut by you Amir Agha. I know you always thought that it was downright eerie the way I always got to the spot the kite would land before the kite did, as if I had some sort of inner compass. But I could have done anything for you. I hope my words conveyed my loyalty and friendship for you, “Would I ever lie to you Amir Agha?” “I’d sooner eat dirt, ” I think you knew I meant it. Though I know you would never put my friendship to test but destiny did. It was the winter of 1975, when I ran for the last time to catch the “Blue kite” which you Amir Agha, had cut to win the Kite tournament. It was an honour to get the last kite and I knew what it meant to you. For you participation had meant winning that approval in Baba’s eyes.
You didn’t know what the other guy was playing for, maybe just bragging rights. But this was your one chance to become someone who was looked at, not seen, listened to, not heard.
I ran to get the blue kite for ‘Amir Agha’ but then stopped and turned for you becaz I wanted you to know so I yelled, “for you a thousand times over’ ..I did return with the blue kite that evening but I could not utter a word, I was not the same and Amir Agha somehow I knew that you know the reason. The few hours I had been away had changed my Life forever. I could even sense your presence in the alley
When you had one last chance to make a decision. One final opportunity to decide who you would want to be. You could have stepped into the alley, and stood up for your Hassan- the way he always stood for you all those time in the past – and accept whatever happens to you. Or You could run.
In the end, You ran.
But you never ran alone, you ran back with guilt, a Guilt which ruined your life and appeared like a curse bringing on nightmares. For me nothing changed and I still served you like before. Till one day your guilt could not stand my sight and you decided to get rid of me…were you ever able to do it Amir Agha? Could you forget that only one time when I needed you, you were not there? Did I ever leave your mind ? I guess I never left you alone ever…….
Amir Agha I always thought you as more than just a Pustan boy. For me you were a hero who can fly kite well and who can write lovely stories. Though I learnt the meaning only later of the word which Rahim khan used to praise your stories ‘BRAVO’ I knew he was right. But one question which always haunted me was why you loved, still envied me somewhere. I could sense the disappointment that you had within you when you could not run or climb tree like me. Was the reason behind it was ‘Baba’s affection for me more than you? Did you feel insecure somewhere?
Baba, I know he loved me so much, sometimes even more than you. His eyes would shine seeing me doing anything skillfully. Though I know he couldn’t give much attention to you when needed but it’s just that he expected a lot from you. He wanted you to grow up into a ‘MAN’ he can be proud off. Being such a powerful guy in Kabul would not have come easy to him. And ultimately I hope you realize that he was also a ‘HUMAN’.
And Me, Hassan – where was the question of competition between us Agha. I was just a simple Hazara Boy, a boy of your servant ALI. I was meant to serve you but yes we even played a lot. My life started and ended with you Ali agha, you were more than a brother to me. No matter what Assef says about us, as he never liked you hanging out with me. Other day when he threatened to hit you with his brass knuckles Remember Agha I was set to shoot Assef in the eye with my slingshot. What I would have done without you Agha – my hero.
But Amir Agha I can never explain to you the time when I felt unsafe in my own country. In my own city where I was born , the sexual abuse made me feel like a dirt, so many times I had heard about similar stories. Of boys being raped and sexually assaulted but never believed it would happen to me. The second time I felt as if I don’t deserve to live when a Talib thrashed my beloved wife. But for the sake of my wife and son (becaz I had to stay alive for them), I endured. I have seen the worst side of my beloved country Afghanistan.
I know now our story is being told, but thankfully the story was picked by a deserving writer, the one who could read the situation of the country and could put it through our story. Khaled Hoessini did complete justice to us and I could feel the powerful effect on the reader’s mind on reading our saga.
Everybody who reads it will not be able to escape from its power, you know why Amir Agha. Because you are mistaken if you think you are the only one who is living your live with guilt. There are many like you who are running away to hide from the eyes of that one soul whom they have Failed when they needed them the most. They might get the next chance just like you. Remember Rahim Khan told you “‘there is a way to be good again….’
But I don’t know if those people will have the courage to be able to stand up, take up the chance of being good again. And sometimes life never gives them a chance. Remember one thing “Time gap only makes things worse” so its better when your Friendship demands a Test you should give in and not fall out and RUN… because then you keep running and you keep running all your LIFE.
Today I can see that you have found a chance to make your wrongs right. Today you have become the same carefree Amir Agha ridding yourself from all the guilt, sin free as you were earlier . I smile as your voice reverberates in my ears
For you, a thousand times over!