Did you watch the movie Monsoon Wedding? Did you notice the sub-plot – the one of child sexual abuse? Did you watch and think, “God, that man is such a perv, thank goodness it didn’t happen to me, ” or did you think, that the filmmaker was sensationalising something that didn’t really happen all that often, or did you get all choked up because it reminded you of an ugly incident you thought you had buried for ever?
Take a look at two very different view points on this topic as expressed in some comments on a review of the movie Monsoon Wedding-
-’*To me this movie was all about gaurdian-child incest relationship. how one child suffer being incest victim. Its poignant story.
You might know, india is known for joint families and this kind of things happens in joint families where sex is taboo after 40-50 years of age and man abuses child girls in big family. This was huanting and cruel story. It’s forbidden but very common issues in Asian joint families.*’
-’Sure it does happen the way it is shown, is very rarely acknowledged- neither in reality nor in the media. Therefore, it APPEARS to be big in the movie, where as in reality, it is just a part of the fabric of that family’s dynamics.’
Like the readers who have given their opinion, you may already be aware of child sexual abuse, and think of it as being rampant, horrible and cruel, or as being rampant, horrible and just a part of the dynamics of many families.
Stay with me please, read till the end, and try and see why it is not ok to accept it as being something that happens in many families; why you should educate your children about it, do everything you can to prevent it happening, and ensure that cases of child sexual abuse never go unreported or unpunished.
Child sexual abuse happens more often than we know, or would like to believe. If death is a leveller, in that it happens to everyone, so it CSA; it respects no race, gender, community, caste, creed, or strata of society. If we don’t hear about it more often, it is not only because most children don’t talk about it, but also because families keep secrets, and do it even at the cost of the wellbeing of the children involved.
Monsoon Wedding got me talking to people about CSA. Over and over I heard people, both men and women, talk about abuse at the hands of domestic servants, teachers, family friends and worst of all, family members. They spoke about how they were either intimidated into keeping silent, or of how they tried to talk about it to their parents, and of how their hesitant accounts were dismissed as being figments of an over active imagination, especially when they spoke about ‘respected’ family members who behaved inappropriately.
Very few mentioned being believed when they spoke about a family member abusing them, and one person gave a heart breaking account of how her mother asked her what she had done to bring it on herself and then said ‘Stay out of his way, and forget about it. Concentrate on your studies.’
Parents are supposed to be their children’s protectors, and sadly, knowingly or unknowingly they contribute to the abuse with their disbelief, silence, and refusal to act.
To an adult, handling unwanted advances is usually a breeze. A sharp word, or even a look will do, but to a child, a touch that is unwelcome, especially when he or she is powerless to do anything about it, is traumatic. That is the core of child sexual abuse – an adult taking advantage of a child’s helplessness.
What is child sexual abuse
Any sexual activity involving a child is abuse. It may or may not involve touch. When a child is touched or fondled in any way, is asked to touch an adult in an inappropriate manner, or is exposed to talk, pictures, or acts of a sexual nature, it is abuse.
Inappropriate touch does not necessarily have to involve the private parts. Even stroking a child’s hair or tickling can be inappropriate. It is the intent that decisive factor. When the intent is to gain a perverse pleasure from it, the child instinctively knows/feels uncomfortable, and if she says something about it, please believe her.
Children, in their innocence may at first think that a sexual advance is a show of affection. They are further confused when the adult says this a special way of showing love or it is a special secret between them. Adults also use their position of power to intimidate children and threaten them with dire consequences if they tell others about what is happening.
How incest is different from CSA
Incest is physical intimacy between two very closely related people in one family. This may be by mutual consent or not. It does not always involve a child.
Signs to watch out for
The abuser can be male or female, and is most often known to the child. Some warning signs you should not ignore are
when the adult –
shows an unnatural interest in spending time, especially time alone, with children/your child
touches, even in a seemingly innocent manner - hugs, kisses, strokes the hair etc., the child much more than would be considered normal
is sometimes very affectionate, and at other times very cold towards the same child, for no apparent reason.
Adults play power games with children to intimidate them. Showing affection, and withdrawing it when the child is reluctant to let abuse happen or continue is a classic way of confusing and tormenting a child.
Children will very rarely come right out and say an adult is touching them in a way which makes them uncomfortable, or is hurtful. Parents must be alert for other signals, and be extra careful when the child -
shows reluctance to spend time with an adult, or indicates in some way that he or she is ‘bad’
flinches or moves away, or seems very subdued and accepting when a particular adult touches her
is suddenly aggressive or hostile, or seems depressed or nervous
says there is pain or discomfort around the genitals
shows a sudden and unnatural interest in sex and sexual behaviour
What you can do to prevent CSA
CSA happens so easily and escapes attention, especially in Indian families because most often we teach children to blindly respect and obey adults. We don’t stand for an adult’s authority being questioned, and the unscrupulous take advantage of it. Also we are more quick to ask ‘what did you do?’ rather than ‘what happened?’
(contd in the comments section)