Mumbai

PRESKRYPT: The Krypt’s other self had lived in Bombay for 9 freakin long years (long for him, not for The Krypt).That’s more’n half his life, man. So obviously, without a choice, The Krypt too had to experience the feelings that’re part of livin in, wot they call, ‘The City of Dreams’. N now, a good 110 minutes of air-travel away from Bombay, he reminisces…

NOTE: This revu is more on the Bombay that is home to more’n 13 million people than on the Bombay that is thronged by thousands of tourists every year. Oh yeah. So if ur a person wearin shorts, a hat, slingin a backpack from ur back (where else wud u sling it from, dumbo?), dangling binocs from ur neck n sportin a flashy RayBan, who wants to have some temporary fun in the city under discussion (IN SHORT: if ur a tourist), sorry. Coz this revu wont help u a lot. This one’s more for the ones seekin a long-term relationship with the city. Ok? Good. Now, lets get a move on..

1ST THINGS 1ST…

Wot’s wrong with our Government?? Why’re they revertin back to the former (n uncool) names of our cities? The Krypt means, BOMBAY sounds soooo much cooler than MUMBAI; MADRAS sounds sooo much more sophisticated than CHENNAI; n CALCUTTA is sooo much easier on the tongue than KOLKATA. Getting the flow? Yeah…

For ur info, BANGALORE’s original name is BENDA KALOORU. Now just imagine wot’d happen if that oh-mama-I-love-old-names rule is applied here. Imagine an ad for the city:

“For the most fantastic lifestyle, for the most pleasing weather, for the most rocking nightlife (yeah, there exists a life beyond that bed), Ladies n Gentlemen, get ur big fat bottoms to the Garden City; the one, the only…BENDAAAAAAA KALOORUUUU. (Applause)”

(DISCLAIMER: The above ad does NOT reflect The Krypt’s opinion on the city. DOES…NOT.)

Err… groovy, aint it? Oops, back to Bombay (that’s wot The Krypt’s gonna call it. Oh yeah).

Ok now, here’s the plan. The Krypt’s gonna dissect Bombay into 4 broad sections. He’ll try n give u info abt each n then rate’em outta 10. Ok? Let’s shoot. Lights, camera, DISSECTION!

ROAD TO PERDITION

Modes to shift ur weight from one place to another. N the ground beneath.

Bombay’s a huge place- area, population, et al. N it’s s’posed to be the ‘Financial Capital’ of India. N also the most modern city in the nation. Now with this sorta reputation, it cant afford to have roads that’re as smooth as the wrinkles on the face of a 694 year old (Hey, stop pointing at the Krypt, will u?) n transport facilities as slick as those horse-rides u used to get from ur Grandpa. BLESS HIM.

So, Mr.Krypt, are the roads smooth? Huh? Tell me, tell me..

Erm.. yeah.. somewot.. maybe.. in parts.. U see, it varies from place to place. Some places’re awesome. Spic, span, cool. N then there’re those places that’re dug up so much u can hear lil boys screamin in delight, “Hey mom! I can see the earth’s core!” Such places’re rokkin. Quite literally. Bump-friendly n bum-unfriendly. But overall, The Krypt guesses the former forms the majority (55%). Shake ur bonbon.

Sir Krypt, I’m very heavy down there. N I cant fly. How do roam around Bombay?

Awww u poor baby! But don’t u worry; coz public transport in Bombay is probably the best in the country.

Autorickshaws/Cabs: These’re never too far away. Catch one, hop in, watch the meter click n get down wen ur destination comes. Damn simple. N the drivers’re polite, possess good knowledge of the routes n they’re honest. Well, at least mosta them are.

Local trains: Easily the fastest mode of transport. These link all the suburbs n zip across at breakneck speeds (40-60 kmph. WOW!). But The Krypt cant vouch for comfort. Coz mosta the time u end up looking like that poor lil mosquito u just swatted. N if ur travelling in the evening, wen the working class is returnin home? Ahh..those lovely smells..

Buses: These’re by Brihamumbai Electrical Supply n Transport (better known as B.E.S.T… modesty? Wot’s that?). The BEST buses’re by far the cheapest means of transport in Bombay. The frequency is good, the area covered is awesome n the comfort level is higher than the trains’. Makes them the most preferred way of travelling.

Ok now, other than these, there’re a few more projects that’re comin up as well. So u can never really be lost in Bombay.

ROADS N TRANSPORT: 8/10

CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO KRYPTINESS (ok, ok…GODLINESS)

A measure of Bombay’s face’s clarity

To be really honest, The Krypt has no idea wot he’s gonna write here. Coz wen it comes to describing Bombay’s cleanliness, just one word comes to his mind-it’s-a-mixed-bag (Ha! Fooled ya… he had 4 words in mind). Just like the roads. Some places look as spotless as Govinda’s teeth (mosta Bandra, marine lines, etc) n some closely n suspiciously resemble The Krypt’s lovely yellow rottin teeth (Dharavi, wadala, blah blah n a lot more blahs). However, here, unlike the roads, the ones in a damn-so-sad state form the majority (60%). But then, that’s the case in most Indian cities. N just the tag of bein modern doesn’t make Bombay any less Indian. So chill.

CLEANLINESS: 4/10

PRIMATE CLIMATE

A check on the thermometer

Hmmm.. Finally a topic for which The Krypt can use the word Uniform. Well, sorta. Mosta the year its moderately hot (30-36°C max, 22-27°C min). Relief comes durin the period between late December n mid-Feb wen the temperatures dip a lil (18-22°C max, 11-16°C min). Monsoons’re a tad on the heavier side n they occur between may-end n prob’ly early September. Other than givin some respite from the heat, the rains also give a low-down on the drainage system (cant drain a pup’s pup’s leak… n ur tokkin abt rain, huh?). So in most places, all those mucks n puddles evoke the same kinda feelin that Anu Malik once did wen he sang/screeched, “Dekho Baarish Ho rahi Hai.. Its raining, its raining, its raaaaining..” GRRRR… The Krypt’s heart is painin, its painin, its paaaainin..