Note/Disclaimer/Info: DO NOT READ FURTHER IF YOU WANT TO WATCH THIS MOVIE, I AM SPOILING IT IN HERE.
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The Plot…?
The title credits roll in with a black-clad Tanisha (Tich, as she is called) morosely lip-synching to an equally morose and forgettable song, which incidentally incorporated the title ‘sound’ at the end…sssshhh
Malini Didi (Simone Gorgeous Singh on screen for all of 7 and ½ minutes) is playing squash and a toothy boyfriend (some model guy who could pass for a human shark with all his gleaming canines and incisors – a dentist’s ..er…um…fantasy?) keeps making inane jokes. So Mal tells him to shut up and hustle down. En route, he is slassssshhhed and his bloody body slams against the doors of the squash court, sending our Mal into a screaming tizzy. A security guy makes an appearance but being the typical dumb female in a slassshhher movie, she lets him go without a peep issuing from her. Out comes the slasssshhher in a hideous clown mask and of course, that’s the end of Ms. Mal.
Cut to Mahek (our very own Tich – she sounds like Kajol minus two octaves plus a very, very bad cold, she looks like mom Tanuja when she is not smiling and looks demented when she does, acting skills should not be mentioned here) who is now the recipient of some kook’s baritone-voiced threats. Same stuff about how he’s gonna get her. [At this point, if you people wanna go and pop a CD of Scream and I Know What you Did, please be my guests. It sounds better in English than in squeaky, high-pitched Hindi. Tich seems to have a problem speaking the Rashtra Bhasha, she stretcheeeees the syllables, maybe she thought she was chewing gum.]
And enter Hero 1 – the Hairy Wonder Suraj (Karan Nath never heard of men’s beauty salons? Seriously, his eyebrows need harvesting.) While at first Tich runs the other way, Hairy Wonder manages to convince her to run his way, in the process landing a cockroach in Rocky’s (Dino-the-More-Uh) rice. [Sorry, had to try and translate another Mallu saying ‘kanji de agatthu pata’ – which roughly means spoiling my dinner and the literal translation being landing a roach in my rice-kanji.] Sorry, to get back to the More Uh, he’s been mooning over the squeak mistress ever since they were bacchhas in chaddis, she doesn’t know about his amorous intentions and frankly, I don’t give a damn if he had any. So there’s this love triangle, as Rajat (VJ Gaurav wasted and hated) puts it. Rajat is Rocky’s chela and tries to be funny. He almost succeeds. There’s another chiselled dumbo and a bimbette, the dumbo is the dude from DJ Aqueel’s remix video of Kishore Kumar’s ‘Keh du tumhe ya chup rahoon’. Again another set of pearly whites. Believe me, I have nothing against teeth but I can’t stand being blinded by wannabe-toothpaste ads every time I look at the screen.
Actually’s there’s nothing much in this plot (you figured that out by now, haven’t y’all?). the whole himbo-bimbo gang is out to cheer-protect-chorus line the main bimbette, Mahek. And there’s poor Mr. Shivaji Satam and the wonderfully understated Aly Khan wasted as Kamat Uncle…sorry, Inspector Kamat and Inspector Rathore, resp. Aly Khan is so understated that I had a problem believing this was the versatile stage personality we like so much, what made him do this? Money? I don’t think he got paid much going by the grunge look he sported in the flick, I know bag ladies who look better than he did. And Shivaji Satam just walked off the sets of CID and into this Tich-come-running-to-me-any-time-an-ant-farts moronic screenplay.
Well, to cut the loooong story ssshhhhort, two brothers ganged up to take out Mahek’s family because her father was a ‘loose character’ (Nasser Abdullah again – this man is fated to be the philandering, dead husband all his screen life) who went around sowing wild oats and some of those oats landed in these boy’s home. Mom was, to put it mildly, was supposedly caught in flagrante delicto. Dad swallowed a gun muzzle and the boys became psychotic and decided to go after the oat-man’s family. Twisted logic (or lack of it, you tell me).
Mail me if you wanna know who the brothers are.
The Analysis
One of those really, really dumb slassshher movies. Don’t know what they think they are doing, our film-makers but do they honestly believe we can’t or won’t recognise copied plots? That’s one grouse. Second is the awful cast, though to their credit they do try. Very hard. That’s the problem, they try too hard to be cheerful, sad, boisterous. They all come up with egg on their faces. Add to this the juvenile humour with an ugly librarian who yells ‘Come with me’ and Dino the More-Uh winks at the audience!! HELP! And another gem that Gaurav comes up with – ‘I’ve heard that in prisons, you shouldn’t bend over to pick up soaps if they fall, you didn’t bend over, did ya?’ Come on!! Moreover, why I laughed myself silly was that the guy sitting next to me was a total duh who did not get the joke for a full minute. I knew the moment his lights came on, he went ‘Ooohhhh!’ and started laughing and I laughed at him. But the bozo thought I was laughing at something else on screen. God help us. No wonder, the makers have catered to the average intelligence of the crowd, at least the one that I ended up with.
The Conclusion
I could have saved myself the headache and this time around, sis wasn’t to blame. This was my own mistake, I was taken in by the mask. Don’t go expecting to see Kajol-II, Tich is nowhere near achieving that kind of acting (or vocal) glory. Kajol out-shrieks her by a mile. Tich is just plain nasal or maybe there was something the matter with the speakers at Fame Adlabs. VJ Gaurav is wasted and that’s considering he was never utilised in the first place. Toothpaste hunk, Shark guy and the new bimbette are awful. I wish I had a sledgehammer and that the screen allowed one to enter the frame and smash all those pearly whites! Simone Singh is hardly there, Shivaji Satam and Aly Khan are wasted too.
Karan Nath seriously needs to hire a beauty advisor.
Stay away from this one, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeese.