I used to think that once I reached somewhere in my professional life, I would surely take up some serious pursuits in entertaining myself. Maybe I’d read Hitler’s Mein Kampf or Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. After more than 4 years at various desks and always with a PC screen in front of me for more than 10 hours a day, I discovered that I deserve to laugh loud and long when I reach home(make that ‘if I reach home’ sometimes).
I have also realised that there’s nothing funnier than an idiotically, dementedly choreographed and sleazily picturised Bollywood number. I love these for their howl-values. I also love the battalions that appear in some of these numbers. Who says there’s unemployment in India?
_
The Garba-gone-awry routine
Eli re eli, kya hain ye paheli
Aisa waisa kucch kyon, hota hain saheli
Sleepy trio of semi-nude girls wake up and start in on this headache of a song. The beat reminds me of a slow Garba number that we used to dance to, when I was still dancing that is. Watch as Kareena Kapoor and a couple of wanna-shines wiggle their behinds in towels that threaten to come off any second. OHMYGAWD!
The Epileptic Sardar routine
Ishq mein aisi aag lage, ho….Dharti dole, aakash gire
I fell down laughing when I saw this Sardar, a part of the group comprising Hrithik and Kareena in that same dumb movie as mentioned above. Now most Sardars I know are jovial and are good sports, even when they know they can’t dance for peanuts. However, this guy takes the bakery – he does not dance, he emulates a demented dervish! Whew!
The Cross-eyed Casanova routine
Nazar ke saamne, jigar ke paas
Koi rehta hain, woh ho tummmmm
I never thought I’d say this about one of the greatest musical hits to happen to the industry. Rahul Roy is unbearably cross-eyed(or so it seems to me) in this song. And Anu Agarwal(grrr) is pathetically pathetic. She makes those ‘I-haven’t-eaten-for-a-month’ faces all through this song. Great lyrics though.
The Board-on-a-Board routine
Mehbooba, mehbooba, mehbooba
Tu sirf mera mehboob, main teri mehbooba
Ok, ok. A big hit no doubt but I have just one grouse. Why pair the stiff Bips with the fluid Akki? The point where he carries her astride his shoulders – oh my God! That was the height of stiffness. I could almost see Bips’ nails dig into Akki’s scalp(ulp!)
The Laurel-and-Hardy routine
Bade mian to bade mian, chhote mian subanallah
The long and the short of it were AB and Govinda dancing in the streets to this raucous tune. While AB’s lungi almost was upto mid-thigh, Govinda’s was upto his ankles. The long and the short of it, hehe.
The I-am-a-Punju-trying-to-emulate-aPunju routine
Hai hai mirche, uff uff mirche
Fooh fooh mirche, uff uff mirche
Something about chillies, Anil Kapoor, Karishma Kapoor, Salman Khan and Ms Sen in one very riotous movie. This song was the funniest of all. I thought AK was ‘jhaad’-ing the clothes – like amma does after we wring it, so that it dries properly. Plus he was overdressed and for some tense moments, I thought he’d trip over his ghagra…er…cape…er…overcoat…
The Lets-dance-round-and-round-the-camp-fire routine
Aiyyo, aiyyo Rama, ho gaya hungama
Chori se dil mera jo koi le gaaya
Makarand Deshpande as the Southie guy teasing the secret lovers Fardeen(I’m usually drunk as a skunk and even look drunk when I’m not) Khan and Urmila(Ramuji, Ramuji, shall I pose like this?) Matondkar. The sequence where everyone around the campfire starts dancing around it. Native American star-dancing anyone?
The We-can-all-do-it-at-the-same-time-all-in-the-same-line routine
Dikhtana, dikhtana, dikhtana
Dikh dikhtana, dikhtana, dikhtana(the rest is one jumbled mess and there are 3 versions to this ditty)
I think this has been mentioned before by one of my good pals here on MS, I can’t remember who. All 15 or so members of a gargantuan family, decked to the nines and one holding a doll which is supposed to be a baby – start dancing to the beat in a straight line. This is the power of the dance master – not one faltered out of the Laxman Rekha and all made the Little Tin Soldier very proud. LOL
The Ass-ets routine(male and female)
Jaan hatheli par rakh do, aankhon se moti chakh lo
Teekhi teekhi tez tez, yeh sooli par hain sej sej
Iman bana kar tum rakh lo
Mohhabbat hain mirchi
Rakhi Sawant is the lady’s name, I believe. What she lacks in acting skills she makes up for in the dare-all-bare-all category. To keep her company is the sweet, svelte whasisname – Zayed Khan. Since Fardeen is somewhat the same, we can believe that both actually do share the same gene pool. Pity there wasn’t a lifeguard at the time these two got in!
The Uncrowned King of Melodious Horrors
Bhatke panchchi.(something, something – I don’t remember the lyrics)
- Main Prem Ki Deewani Hoon
Ooh, I just love this piece. Watch Bebo rani prance around, kick, knee and ultimately almost un-man Retake Roshan in this number. It’s a howl! The most dazzling gems come when KK junior has something black stuck to her front teeth to repulse whoever happens to see her smile, needless to say, she succeeds; when she takes a long-handled broom and breaks into a semi-classical dance routine(here’s the ‘naach na jaane, angan tedha’ stuff). Unfortunately, the lyrics were good. What a waste!
The Conclusion
I had to pick and choose something that wasn’t already a star in some of my peers’ reviews, so I guess this is it. This is not the end of it though.
Jab tak rahega samose mein aloo
Hindi filmon mein hamesha naachenge bhaloo* Howl!