The newest overhyped film to come out of L.A. this week is Tomb Raider, a nonsense of a film based on that limitless well of cinematic gold, the video game. One could say that those who love the game will manage to enjoy the movie; yet I suspect that even those people would rather sit through Super Mario Brothers or Wing Commander twice over again before finding something worthwhile about this $100 million mess.
Angelina Jolie plays Lara Croft, a rich British woman who just happens to go hunting around in temples and caves all over the world in search of treasures and archeological antiquities. The quest for this film is some triangle that will allow the bearer of the piece to travel back and forth in time. Lara wants to use it to visit her father, Lord Croft (Jon Voight), who mysteriously departed this world in 1985. Of course, there is a nemesis to deal with and he comes in the form of Manfred Powell (Iain Glen), who looks more like a European hairdresser than he does an archeologist (and it is the latter of these that we are meant to believe he is). He’s working for some organization called Illuminati, who of course want this mysterious piece for their own devious use. The device only works during some sort of galactic lining up of the planets, so the ticking clock theory is in effect for the story.
I would really love to meet the people who keep giving director Simon West steady work. He edits his scenes even more than Michael Bay does and he shoots his action scenes so close up that it is almost impossible to make out what is going on. There is plenty of action to be had, but what’s the point of it if the audience can’t see it? As far as the cast goes, it’s simple: no characters to work with equals no performances to speak of. The one-liners that are given to Jolie, Noah Taylor as Lara’s sidekick Bryce and Chris Barrie as her butler are horrendous. Jolie herself looks the part, but she shows less life as Lara Croft than her videogame doppelganger does. Jon Voight has only a few scenes, and I am sure he is thanking God right now for that lack of screen time. Ordinarily, when a film is as badly executed as this, you can usually say that the visual effects at least are really cool. Not here. For a one hundred million dollar film, the budgets look like they cost about $3.00 (they must have spent the rest of the money on Jolie’s padded bras). There will be people, namely those who fantasize about the videogame Lara Croft - she’s only zeroes and ones. She’s NOT REAL! - that will defend the film saying, “What did you expect?
The film is based on a videogame! You don’t know how to have fun!” To them, I say this: Get a life. Put down your joystick, walk outside your parents’ house and instead of walking to your local brainwashing plant (multiplex), go out and meet a real human being that may interest you. Get to know them and discover a world beyond videogames and movies based upon them. Then, if you still want to see a great action adventure film or two after experiencing the outside world, watch The Treasure of the Sierra Madre and Raiders Of The Lost Ark and forget that Tomb Raider ever existed. Hoo-ray for Hollywood!