Gadies n lentlemen? sorry, Ladies n Gentlemen, welcome to ?The Kryptic Seminar, 2005, on How To Make a Suxessful Bollywood Film.?
The Krypt welcomes u with open arms (which may have rotten over the last 666 yrs, but that?s ok). This seminar will acquaint u with the finer nuances of filmmaking in the delightfully predictable world of Bollywood. U will be taught exactly wot to include n wot not to include in ur venture into Bollywood. The Krypt knows wot?ll work n wot the audience?ll shirk.
(DISCLAIMER: These formulae may not work in other industries like Hollywood where they don?t have brilliant actors like SRK, Tusshar Kapoor n Kim Sharma or marvelous directors like Saawan Kumar Tak, David Dhawan n, of course, Karan Jo-ha!ha!ha!?)
So, without much further ado?
FORMULA 1:
And Schumaker tries to overtake Raikkonen? Raikkonen swerves? oh, sorry.
One of the most (un)important aspects of a suxessful hindi film is its STORY- or the lack of it. ALWAYS stick to a boy-meets-girl-n-they-fall-in-love-after-initial-arguments kinda story. Its bound to work. Remember:
i) One should be rich, the other in shatters.
ii) If the hero has a sis, she should be molested by the villain so as to arouse the machoistic feeling in our guy.
iii) One of the protagonists must have a friend (from childhood/adulthood/robin hood or even Lil Red Riding Hood) who suddenly realizes that the friendship has culminated into love? ah poetry!
iv) The villain should mandatorily have a strange name like Shakaal, bhavishyakaal, bhootkaal, Dr.Dang, Mogambo, Mango, Tango, Rambo?. Get the flow?
v) The villain should have his base I a far-off secluded island or an underwater haven. His loud clothes should be able to reflect different wavelengths of light with immaculate expertise.
vi) Needless to say, the hero should in the end, wage a lone battle against the villain?s 100s? strong troop, defeat?em n rescue his family (mom, sis, daddu, heroine, et al). The villain should try to gun down our guy but the bullets should hit everything but the target. If, in case, u want at least one perfect strike, make the bullet pierce the hero?s head so that it can masterfully remove the deadly tumor in his brain. The villain should then die in a blast, meant for the hero. Roll credits.
FORMULA 2:
Can u imagine a hindi flick sans SONGS? Try n insert a song in every possible junction.
Hints:
i) The hero-heroine-pre-love-argument-song.
?ladki kyon, na jaane kyon ladkon si nahi hoti??.
Oh, that?s simple! See, the basic difference lies in the anatomy? er? forget it!
ii) The all-important-love-song. Our couple, based in India, suddenly find themselves all over the Swiss Alps. But instead of getting confused, they should cuddle, sing n dance.
iii) The post-separation-melancholic-song. The hero looks at the moon from his house; the estranged heroine, from her dad?s haveli. They cr(y)oon. The moon transmits their signals so that they know when to stop n let the other one weep? er.. sing. Take out those hankies.
iv) The hero should find an important clue to the villain?s whereabouts in a bar. Time for an item number. Shale that booty, baby.
v) The villain-is-dead-we?re-back-together-song. Bring in all the relatives, make the hero fondle the heroine and they all sing happily ever after.
FORMULA 3:
So, we?re down to the final aspect of movie making- THE CASTING. Now, this depends on ur characters. Sample this:
i) If the hero is this guy who has no other job but to ogle at girls, ruffle his hair and has a dialogue that goes: ?Kyunki? tum mere baalon pe fida ho, ? hand over the baton to Shahid Kapoor. The heroine can be some newbie bimbette who constipates in the name of acting.
ii) If the story is a weepie n requires dollops of hamming, shut ur eyes n rope in SRK. This guy can more than just cry- he can twitch his eyebrows, tremble his lips, stammer n shake his head like a moron. The heroine should be Kajol/ Preity/ Rani but NOT Sush. U don?t want one to be as feminine as the other, do u?
iii) The large-hearted father of the girl could only be rendered (in)justice by Alok Nath. The over-jovial, I-drink-with-my-son dad of the guy would, but obviously, be Anupam Kher.
iv) Rima Lagoo should essay Alok Nath?s sambandhji?s role.
Simple, right? However, if u don?t wanna go thru this procedure, u have 2 more options:
i) Make a porn flick n ramble to the media that the ?script demanded it?. After all, a porn script DOES require porn scenes, right?
ii) Just go the Vikram Bhatt way. Visit ur friendly neighborhood film library, rent out the latest Hollywood blockbuster n copy frame-2-frame. Easy, does it!
Wish the audience, ?Happy suffering!?
PS: The Krypt hasn?t mentioned directing coz ?Direction? is a very sinful word. Remember: The better ur non-directorial skills, the better ur film?s prospects at the b.o.
PS II (No, not the gaming console, u nut!): Some guys like RGV n Mani Ratnam don?t subscribe to these formulae. Look wot happens to their films!! Hmm? some people never learn!