Yeh syoooside kya hota hai?
Yeah, you cannot call me macho. And nor can you call me ma-ko (the term is generously contributed by Bindu in Main Hoon Na). But a similar sounding word applies to me - masochist.
Just think of it. I had a remote in my hand. There were two batteries in the remote which were in perfect condition - Duracell works long, you know, and before you accuse me, let me clarify that they have not sponsored this review. And I switched on the cable channel. The sight that greeted me was so ghastly that I first imagined that my cable operator is screening Bhoot.
Er, no, it was not Manjeet ka bhoot. The ghastly sight on television was Hrithik Roshan in a red suit hopping around like a oversized rabbit and Kareena Kapoor, shaking her visage back and forth, with a broom in hand. Na neye na na no, my cable operator was showing Main Prem Ki Deewani Hoon!
And then I made my worst decision, ever. I changed the channel. Only to witness a masterpiece on Zee Cinema: Tum - A Dangerous Obsession.
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I saw the movie. Then, I ate a couple of Anacins. Since it didn’t give me any relief, I consumed a couple more. And then, for the first time in my life, I decided to think.
And I thought.
And I thought.
And I thought.
What on earth did it all mean?
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Karan Nath, who pouts more than Urmila Matondkar, plays Jatin Pandey. Photography is his profession and he also has a part-time job of making the audience laugh. Unintentionally, of course. One fine day, he sees a woman whose width is more than her height (if that’s possible). She is Kamini Gupta, played by the gigantic Manisha Koirala. Mr. Pout goes to bed with Mama Elephant after ensuring that Mama Elephant loses her senses by having merely one glass of alcohol (!).
But, Mama Elephant has a husband, played by Rajat Kapoor, who was last seen as Preity Zinta’s Uncle Mahesh in Dil Chahta Hai. Let’s call him Sane Element. Meanwhile, Mr. Pout also brushes his body with Miss Pout aka Netanya Singh. Miss Pout has a friend called Lalit, who looks gay, but isn’t. This Confused Soul is played by Pankaj Sharma aka Bobby Darling, who has been seen in Style, Na Tum Jaano Na Hum and many of Ekta Kapoor’s serial killers. Not to forget, Mama Elephant and Sane Elephant have a son, Angry Young Boy and a daughter, Oh-Cho-Chweet
Mr. Pout has his share of fun with both Mama Elephant and Miss Pout, but ends up sharing more chemistry with Confused Soul. He gets on everyone’s nerves, including both his costars and the audience. Quite obviously, somebody kills him. And when you start screaming in joy that Mr. Pout is finally dead, you get the shock of your life - only half the movie is over!
Then, there is my favourite scene. The entire family sits on the dinner table in a circle. You almost expect them to start playing ’Passing The Parcel’. Instead, they play ’Passing The Buck’ in their minds. Sane Element suspects Mama Elephant, Mama Elephant suspects Oh-Cho-Chweet, Oh-Cho-Chweet suspects Angry Young Boy while Angry Young Boy suspects Sane Element. Circle Of Knife, anybody? Oh, I forgot to mention. Meanwhile, I suspected (and secretly hoped) that the entire family would be involved in the murder so that all of them can be hanged to death. Er, did I say all of them? Er, leave Oh-Cho-Chweet for me!
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Karan Nath bears a striking resemblence to both Karan Johar and Alok Nath. You can imagine how the hybrid would look like. His best expression is when he pouts to express his love and ends up looking like somebody who desperately needs to relieve himself. Disgusting acting, what on earth is he doing in films ?!
Since Karan’s surname is Nath, just like our revered Alok Nath, he needs to have a Reema Lagoo. And Manisha Koirala strangely reminds me of Mrs. Lagoo. Help! One wonders where the actress who starred in 1942 - A Love Story, Bombay, Dil Se, Yugpurush and Agnisakshi is. Manisha looks jaded and thinks that using glycerine and screeching is the only way to show one’s guilt.
Rajat Sharma is the only sane element in the film, as I said. He is confident and plays his role well. It is his presence which prevents this flick from being one of the C-grade flicks which are released in selected, sleazy theatres.
Netanya Singh looks incredibly hot. Let’s avoid talking about her acting (?) skills.
Bobby Darling is his usual self in a role which defies logic.
Oh Cho Chweet (don’t know her name, will someone please oblige?) looks incredibly cute as she plays Manisha’s 15-year old daughter. She does get irritating at times, but that is in sync with her bubbly, babyish 15-year old character. Does somebody have her telephone number, please ?!
Angry Young Boy (don’t know this fellow’s name again) is a trifle loud, yet ends up making a decent effort.
Aman Verma is purely for comic relief. He desperately tries to mimic Dilip Kumar and is a strong contendor for the award for the Best Comedian. Er, he plays a police inspector, though ...
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The music is nothing to boast about. Kyun Mera Dil is a horrible tune, but sung very well by Adnan Sami. There is no other song worth remembering.
Aruna Raje’s direction ...er, it does not exist. Let’s not talk anymore about it. The memories of the nightmare force me to pop another Anacin, and I guess the only way to relieve myself from this headache is Oh Cho Chweet’s phone number.
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Dummies’ Guide:
Mr. Pout - Karan Nath.
Ms. Pout - Netanya Singh.
Mama Elephant - Manisha Koirala.
Sane Element - Rajat Kapoor.
Confused Soul - Bobby Darling.
Angry Young Boy - Manisha and Rajat’s son.
Oh Cho Chweet - Manisha and Rajat’s daughter ... sigh!
Those who do not leave a comment will be forced to watch this, er, masterpiece!