Dialogues of Hindi movies are like chopped onions in an omelette. While their crunchy, full bodied flavour is for relishing on the spot, the unmistakably strong breath wafts with you for quite some time(which might occasionally be disagreeable to a handful of unreasonable people like your wife / colleague / assorted girlfriends etc.).
Dialogues are the heart and soul of Hindi cinema. It is the dialogue which enables you to differentiate
a hero from a villain
a policeman from a crook
a horse from a donkey or
a mother in law from a fiancée.
I remember that in my primal days, when I was a normal human being and not a doc, when my life-pump(heart) fluttered like a spring chicken at the sight of pretty girls and when all my vital systems could scamper like a squirrel, I was thrilled by doc-patient scenes, enjoying them heartily of course, but little realising their grand perpetuity. It was only with time and advancing maturity of thought and various other sensitive organs(brain, I mean) that I could eventually figure out their awesome, earth shaking importance. Bollywood’s deep & thoughtful insights into the intricacies of the doctor – patient relationship(as distilled in the dialogues) is so wholly unparalleled, that it deserves a sacred place in the glorious annals of eternity. I have always felt that I would be doing a great deal of disservice to my occupation if I do not fulfil my obligation of writing on this wholesome topic. As a doc, it therefore becomes my moral responsibility(may Hippocrates rest in peace and not turn uneasily in his grave) to sing praises of Bollywoodean classics and exult in their shimmering glory(Alok the Ranjan would nod his head in agreement and smugly remark “Ahaaa…khushi ka nangaa naach”). To say the least, and of course to its credit, Bollywood has completely rewritten the principles & practice of the medical profession.
Before I get to more specific details, let me point out a few important generalisations which would enable you to spot the doctor accurately in a Hindi movie.
A doctor will ALWAYS move around in a white coat. Apart from attending to his profound duties like treating patients and flirting courteously with coy nurses in this respectable attire, a doctor in a Hindi movie would wine, dine, sing, dance, go to a party, for a morning walk, to bed at night, to the loo in the morning, or to the beach, poolside, funeral, court, courtship…ALWAYS in a white coat. All other things are variable…he may have a ponytail, wear slippers, pyjamas, loongi, mundu, specs, hats, tattoos, whatever…but he would never desecrate his profession by slipping out of his white coat even for a second.
Secondly, a doctor in a Hindi movie would unfailingly carry with him a rather large syringe with a stout looking needle, and which he will endeavour to insert into the unmentionables of his unwary patient at the slightest pretext. Needless to say, such an act adds immense nonsense value to a movie.
Thirdly, a single Bollywoodean doctor shall always have detailed knowledge of every single medical speciality on earth. He shall uproot teeth, give electric shocks, read the ECG upside down, fix fractures, cure lymphosarcomas of the intestines, transplant hearts, take a bullet out of the brain, correct the eyesight of a blind mother, perform the most complex of surgeries and transfuse hero’s blood into the heroine and vice versa(blood groups be damned).
Coming to more specific situations, it must be mentioned at the outset that operation theatre scenes in Hindi movies, and of course the accompanying dialogues, are by far the most fascinating of all. Few broad rules are unfailingly followed. In the ‘delivery’ scene, the heroine(or the hero’s mistress, or a side heroine who has been enlisted just to do the delivery scene) thrashes about emitting complex vocalisations(which do not differ much in pattern from those which she emitted during a bedroom scene earlier, only that the decibels are increased!), biting her lips, clawing the poor hospital mattress savagely, and suddenly arching up her belly in a bow like fashion. This is usually followed by an infant’s wail signalling an end to the viewer’s acute embarrassment. Then comes the all important dialogue. “Badhai ho….beta hua hai”. A common variations is “Badhai ho…aap papa / dada ban gaye hai” How tearfully original! But wait….if there is a caesarean scene involved, the usual outcome is ominous. “Bacchhe ko to humne bacha liya hai……par afsos….hum maa ko nahi bacha paye….”sad violin interlude or “operation to ho gaya….par afsos….wo fir kabhi maa nahi ban sakti” sad violin interlude again.
However, Bollywoodean docs are exceedingly devout and God fearing when it comes to owning up for the actions inside the operation theatre. So much so that each operation in a Hindi movie is concluded with a pious exhortation to Gods to intervene and save the hopeless patient’s life. Sample a typical scene: Doc comes out of the OT with a serious look on his face, mumbles “ab sab kuch uparwaley ke haath me hai” and before the baffled relatives can even bat an eyelid, the doc quietly slips away through the *patli gali. Awesome. Can any doc in real life ever muster enough courage to actually come out of the OT and put everything squarely on God’s shoulders without running the risk of getting roughed up by the patient’s relatives! “Uparwaaley ke haath mein……eh? Saala….baap ka raaj hai? Hospital ne paisa kis baat ka liya hai?”Never mind. Just an insignificant professional hazard which docs have to face every now and then. But it doesn’t end here. Bollywood’s dialogue writers have taken faith healing to the highest echelons. So much so that docs in Hindi movies freely advise patients and their relatives to chuck medicines out of the window and take recourse to prayer and faith. “Ab isse dawa ki nahi….dua ki zaroorat hai.” How convenient. No bitter pills to swallow; no pungent syrups to gulp. Just *dua it!
Some random generalisations in the end.
The length of a nurse’s skirt is inversely proportional to the alphabetical grade of the movie(A grade: knee length; B grade: mid thigh; C grade: .well)
A ‘Dil ka Doctor’ shall invariably have long hair, a boyish charm on his face & be surrounded by at least a dozen pretty nurses all the time. He shall be proficient in the art of dancing around trees in the rain, and of course an expert in the science of wooing heroines.
In a Hindi movie operation theatre, the assistant always passes on the correct tools in the correct sequence to the surgeon, with robot like precision, and without the latter uttering a single word. The whole scene culminates in a bullet being dropped in a bowl. *Clank! *Real life OTs are messy and anarchic in comparison, with the chief surgeon mouthing the choicest of expletives all the time in perpetual dissatisfaction of the assistant’s perceived lack of commonsense. Only if all OTs were like those in the Hindi movies!
Well…that was a short, and admittedly insufficient, exposition on the medical profession as depicted in Hindi movies. Looking forward to your inputs in the comments section, which I hope shall add all the missing flavours for sure.