My ex-employer (ICICI Bank Ltd.) taught me a lot about work place abuse. I learnt that the worst kind of abuse is one where you are left wondering whether you are being abused or not. Typically the dilemma is "Am I really a good for nothing or is this person picking on me and bullying me?" A sure short sign that you are being abused is when you notice behavior that doesnt match earlier experiences - for example, you have been a performer in all organizations and have been appreciated & regarded except here and by this one person; you cant seem to get it right no matter what - you start doing things to be in the right books of people (this is counterproductive in the long run) and everything done in good stead only backfires miserably; people around you and colleagues start mistreating you - because rumors have been spread or a negative perception has been created; finally, you have been made a scapegoat or your abuser has put you in tight spots once too many; After this stage it is pure hell to go to work.

Whatever the indications, you need to go by your gut feel and the vibes you pick up. In any potentially abusive situation, do not ever ignore your instincts. The toleration of abuse can damage your career and personality and is worse than the abuseitself. Remember that if you are feeling humiliated then that is real - whether the person intended it or not does not matter. I failed to do this and went through hell in ICICI Bank for 2 long years. So I recount my experience here hoping that people read it and never ignore the signs of abuse.

My ordeal in ICICI Bank started from day one. My boss was abusive - worse, there seemed to be sexual undertones. Soon after I joined he invited me to a movie along with 2 other colleagues who apparently cancelled in the last minute. He promptly informed me the day we were supposed to meet - it didnt cross my mind to back out. Soon after that, life at ICICI Bank was an incomprehensible mix of being shouted in front of everyone for something or the other during work and being invited to a movie or a pub in the evening. Initially I thought it was his way of being professional yet friendly but when invitations came to be persuading, I was in a spot. How could I say no without sounding rude? It was a delicate situation because I was refusing to be social with my boss. (Why? Because he simply made me uncomfortable - I could never put a finger on it. Why invite just me? And he was a pest - if I said I had already watched the movie and didnt want to go, he would say its worth watching again and anyway this was different company!) I thought he would simply back off if I said 'No' enough number of times.

In office, he would say things like "Have you been smoking?" To this strange remark, I said "Why?" - "Because your lips are darker today?" was the answer. What kind of colleague or boss would make such personal remarks I wondered? I was extremely offended - I am a smoker and thats got nothing to do with my work - but I chose to keep quiet. Unfortunately ignoring this was not possible. I started to get angry and insecure and everytime he shouted at me for something at work, I would give it back. It was the only arena or ground I could interact with him on. It was easier, it was work, nothing personal. Little did I know that I had been so badly humiliated that I was using my professional skirmishes for relief. And it was a tit for tat - I think what he couldnt oppose outside of work found vent at work. I was hauled many times - often for no reason. I couldnt understand any of it. He would claim he had discussed some work with me and I hadnt done it... there were no mails, no proof, but lot of shouting. I thought of going to someone and talking about it. What was the point? The shouting and humiliation had already been done.

In the meantime, my boss took away all my projects. I was nothing more than a spectator or a vegetable doing some MIS at work. Though I had no work, I was not allowed to leave at 6. I had to stick around doing nothing else there would be shouting. At this point, I was enormously worried about my career and thought I could turn to my Business Head for help. The plan was to sort out my work problems and then tell him about the abuse I had faced. Little did I know that by then irreparable damage had been done to my image. By whom? Take a wild guess.