South Indian Brahmin weddings are boring. Period. You dress up in heavy brocade silk sarees, wear all the jewellery you have simply because ‘otherwise you never get a chance to wear it’ and then you happily walk into the wedding hall. And then…what? You just sit around! All the women gossip, observe each others’ sarees and jewellery. They also look for prospective grooms for all eligible girls and vice versa. All young girls are scrutinized by the aunties and the shortlisted ones are even called and ‘interviewed’! All the men dresses in kurtas look sheepish and talk in low voices. During the reception there absolutely HAS to be someone giving a Carnatic music performance. At a recent wedding I went to, there was this skinny young girl screaming away into the mike. Two large speakers boomed and screeched her voice across the large packed hall. People were determined to talk and screamed above this din. The decibel level in that hall was so incredibly high I thought my head would explode!

The best thing however, of this whole circus is the good ol’ South Indian meal. You are served the meal on a banana leaf. Always the narrow end towards your right hand. Then assorted men will serve you delicious goodies filled in little steel buckets. First comes the sweet. A dollop of payasam (kheer) will land on the right most corner of your leaf. Then a parade of men will put the rest in a specified order. Fruit pachadi (like a pulp of various fruits), curd pachadi (like raitha), beans/cabbage poriyal (dry sabji with seasoning), inevitable potato roast, varieties of chips (potato/banana), a kootu (a gravy dish made with a watery vegetable like pumpkin, dal, coconut and spices), tuar dal followed by a mound of rice in the centre of your leaf with a generous dollop of desi ghee. Then comes the sambar course, followed by therasam course. In the meanwhile two men come around holding a deep straw basket with freshly fried, crisp, gleaming papads in them. After the rasam round the payasam (kheer) makes an appearance again. Oh what fun it is to lick the drooling payasam off the leaf. So delicious and flavoury! The last round is the inevitable rice and curd with mango or lime pickle. Then comes the unfair part – they actually expect you to get up and walk off so that others can occupy the space! Somehow you groan and grunt and get up. Then you find that the petticoat or the salwar around your waist is suddenly tighter!! When you wash your hands and come out there is the South Indian variant of paan waiting for you. Paan leaves with beetel nuts. Munch that and feel at peace with the world!

So – like I was saying, at this awfully boring wedding too I was visualizing this happy meal. Oh I was so looking forward to it!

Finally supper was announced. My daughter and I were amongst the first to rush up the stairs towards the dining hall. I went in to find the chief chef standing there in his stained sandal coloured veshti (dhoti). The veshti was tied below his billowing belly and he stood there his torso all bare with beads of sweat all over. In his hand he held a large ladle that matched the roundness of his belly. All this was normal – but what worried me was his worried expression! Then I noticed that this was not a normal meal – it was a buffet meal. Which means no banana leaf – we have to eat in a silly little plate and have to keep getting up and jostling the crowd to refill the platter. I was greatly disappointed. Anyways we grabbed the plate and hoped to find sambar and rasam…To my horror there was naan! White, rubbery looking naan - that you must attempt to eat only if you wish to fracture your jaw. As an accompaniment there was paneer butter masala – with all the ingredients floating on a layer of suspicious looking butter! I walked past this to find Chinese fried rice! Oh Lord I think I even spotted coriander and curry leaves garnishing on that. This too looked greasy and unappetizing. Next was something continental – lots of vegetables floating in some creamy white sauce. It is too painful to describe the rest of this pathetic spread. The only thing familiar was curd rice seasoned with mustard, curry leaves and chillies. So all we had was this! And then there was badam kheer, gulab jamun, ice cream and fruit salad for dessert.

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