A conversation with a friend made me re-think what I always try and avoid, the big one, why the hell I am here??? Doing what doesn’t make be happy even a bit!!! Why the hell am I still walking down the road which is never gonna take me to the place where I want to reach? M, walking, still!!! Every day on my way back home I know in the deepest corners of my heart that I am killing my soul bit by bit.

This ain’t where I want to be. Not at all, never.

Then why am I really slogging from one day to another? Procrastinations or is it the responsibilities of being a daughter (the marriage... The BIG LOGO or STAMP). Someone said "Aah, sad it is to keep the birds in a cage" and I close my eyes and think, what exactly am I? I want to break free and fly away to the places where my soul can quench its thirst, where I can smile and look forward to each day unlike what I do these days. Wake up, drag n drag everywhere, even the smiles are so fake. Can’t really expect my folks to understand what it is like to go through when you realize you have almost made all the wrong choices in your life!!!! I can’t tell them because it won’t make sense to any.

Times, I don’t even feel like looking back to the memories, there are too many mistakes I have made and there is no way I can go back and erase the inaccuracy of my judgment or perhaps was I still carrying the burden of "You should do this" and "Don't take that, think about my reputation". No blame game here but life would have been so simple if I just could take a U turn make the amendments and re-start from where it all went wrong. I can’t, no I cannot.

I guess sometimes I feel bewildered, I really m not cut in for being those marriage types n settle down at one place. My soul gets sad, feels deprived, lost never to be found again in this chaos n crowded streets among all the strangers. Strangers who talk the language which my mind never understands but mechanically I smile just to make sure that none think, m throwing around my weight. No I am not different in any sense or I am not trying to show-off, as people always say, neither do I have that upper hand-air about me, M just a soul lost in the jungle n in the zig-zag of her own mistakes.

Run away is what I feel like doing. To a place where I can sit and just close my eyes in hope that when I re-open, the world and all my mistakes will be vanished!!!! AAH!!! Wishful thought, but really??? No, I know. No. I can’t just do that and moreover running away is too easy, a cowards ROAD, actually!!

Someday soon, I am. I will --> Travel to places, rich with history, even the darkness will have mysteries and untold stories. Wander around the flea markets in different cities, Countries and Villages. To let my hair down and travel, travel without any strings attached, just a backpack, MapQuest, writing pads, pens n few other bare essentials (No Cell please). Astonishing, I believe!!!!

It’s taking time, looks faraway but it’s yet not lost. Settle down, I will, with the one who lets me fly n soar high.

My dream is not to make it big but to make my life worth the memories. Not to repent but to smile at all my mistakes. It’s tough, I know. Not that difficult though, to reach there. Destinations will keep changing but the road towards that is what will change the course of my being. The 9 to 6 job is ok, I ain’t like a high headed jerk, but no I will prefer slogging my A’s rather than sitting at a hi-fi cabin with a Top notch techno system n reading and playing with varied articles on my mind. I loved it but once-upon-a-time. I would love to sweat it out in an unknown place and rewrite the soul of that place in my words, to color and paint the cities, as I see them. Perhaps sometimes, just sitting and munching on my thoughts. But I promise no matter how far and high I fly and walk, I will always come back to you [Ya, it’s for you Twink!!!) Promise!!

Travel with the winds, travel with the stars

Travel to the places I have never been so far

July.........