Worst movie ever made by anyone. I can make better movies than this. How should I start the review???
I guess it’s best to start out with the film’s biggest flaw: it fails to do ANYTHING a movie should do. It fails to excite, it fails to intrigue, it fails to stimulate in any way. I actually fell asleep for a few minutes in the theater, which I have NEVER done before. The story is so awful it’s embarrassing. The guys that do Scary Movie can and actually have made better scripts.
Some guy (if there were names to any of these characters, I couldn’t tell you what any of them are) falls in love with a girl that shows up in his village. Then a bunch of guys come kidnap her and a bunch of other cut-out name-less characters (which we were apparently supposed to remember cause they have lines later on, and I think one of them gets killed). So, the guy gets his best friend and some other dude to come with him to get the girl back. Essentially, it’s just an old over-done "journey across the world" story that you know is just gonna end in some big climactic battle and a passionate kiss.
Sure enough, this is what the "story" is. However, it actually takes that paper thin concept and makes it WORSE. Character development is non-existent, as well as all logic. Apparently preventing a saber-tooth tiger from drowning will make it not kill you, because that’s how nature works. The movie starts off slightly foolish, but as it moves on it gets increasingly ridiculous and by the time we reach the final fight, all sense of realism has been tossed out the window. Original concepts seemed to be unavailable to these "writers". The way in which the good guy kills the "almighty" bad guy is such a deliberate rip-off of 300 myself and others actually cried out at my home with disgust. The whole fiasco is wrapped up with one of the most blatant, unbelievable uses of deus ex machina I’ve ever witnessed.
Let’s take a look at history according to this movie. In the year 10, 000 BC: they were capable of working metal to make things such as daggers, jail cells, and a giant gold pyramids. Everyone was fully clothed, nothing dangles or "hangs out" in the prehistoric world. Also, absolutely everyone is ripped. Not like in 300 were all the warriors are muscle bound and fit while old people and normal people look like old people and normal people, in 10, 000 BC absolutely everyone is ripped and thin and tan. People also looked exactly the same as they do today, evolution was already done.
Facial hair apparently does not grow, and getting a full body wax was typical of everyone. Bad guys had such wonderful tools at their hands such as full maps, compasses, and metal telescopes. Among dozens of different indigenous tribes and millions of different people, there were two languages everyone shared, and one black guy with saber-tooth tiger ear rings is capable of translating everyone’s speech. Need I go on?
Let’s talk action. It’s rated PG-13, that should say everything you need to know about the gore of the fights. There’s an action sequence with a mammoth, one with a tiger, one with giant killer birds, and then a fight at the end. All are bland, all are weak, and so the movie fails on all levels. I’d also like to point out that the saber-tooth tiger looked like something out of World of Warcraft.
Yes, I’m ranting now, but it’s all I can do. The sheer awfulness of this movie is difficult to restrain, there’s just so much to be upset with. But the only thing that really needs to be said is that this is should be considered the worst movie of 2008 thus far and stay far faaar away from it.