A childhood dream used to be able to fly, soaring amongst the clouds. The entire concept of flying was such a lucrative one. The Armani suites, the pretty as pink airhostess, the bubbly popping mid air, the big business deal, the whole package was a neat one. Unfortunately, a combination of misguided priorities and a chronic aversion to studying resulted in poor grades that pretty much killed all chances of having a high-flying career, in more than one sense. Then our great nation was hit by the IT boom and bottom dwellers like yours truly crawled out from the pits and joined the bandwagon and before you could say Anna Djamalovna Chakvetadze (jack robinson is so passe!!), I was flying regularly to all parts of the world.In the movies, the going is good, the alchohol was free and the airhostesses were pretty.And then I actually started flying.
Being transported from a Yashraj Films location to a Rituparno Ghosh set is always painful but even I was not prepared for Dubai and Indian Airlines together. Whoever coined the phrase BE INDIAN, BUY INDIAN was one smart dude for not adding FLY INDIAN to that extremely patriotic if slightly misguided message.The journey starts off with that absolutely refreshing ride in a TATA INDICA or a MARUTI-800 where the driver apparently has just finished watching the Monte Carlo F1 Grand Prix and is hell bent on proving that these days Indians can compete with the best in the world.
While you pass a pleasant half an hour speculating whether your life will be ended by the crash itself or the head-rush in case you are ever able to plant the walkers on terra firma ever, it is but the start of the adventure.Having reached the airport, hopefully in one piece, you are now greeted with a scene that is straight out of the set of the French Revolution -complete and utter chaos with people swarming everywhere, curses, bellows, and honking – in short complete and total pandemonium. The first evidence of your fate greets you when you finally are able to reach the gate. The population around you makes one feel that in one small step you have arrived at a joint reception held by the Hawkers Association and Bhai United.
It is advisable to stand in one corner and watch the TV which without fail will be showing Aaj Tak which equally without fail will be telecasting the ghastly details of how the servant clubbed the family to death or how the inter caste love was cruelly crushed by the uncles of the girl’s side.The riveting TV experience is interrupted by the inevitable announcement of the announcement of the delay in take off. When the announcement for boarding is finally done, by which time you have been fed with details on the poor couples family, medical, educational background, this is accompanied by a stampede since every individual there is either flying first class, or is handicapped or has children accompanying them. Once the fracas is over, when you timidly do the actual boarding, all the luggage cabins are filled to the brim by bundles of all shapes, sizes, colors and often aroma.
Now for all those readers who have dozed off by now due to my endless optimism and positive spirit, comes the crucial part. It is by virtue of this endless optimism and positive spirit that you hope that your seat-mate would be a cross between Lara Datta and Priyanka Chopra. In all likelihood, he would be 8 feet and I am not talking about his height. Once yokozuna has settled himself comfortably with tubs of lard spilling over half your seat, you have hit the edge of desperation. In case you share my fate in always getting the middle seat, a smallish man will always take the windows seat.
Before you have finished your veritable sigh of relief, this will be rudely jolted by an aroma, which reminds you of your college days saloon (Haircat – Rs.10/-, Message – Rs.20/-, Fasial – Rs.35/-). Of course, it is the return of good old banphool.You have half a mind of reporting the man to the authorities, considering he is trying to smuggle half of the decade’s production of that oil on his head. However, this thought is quickly crushed by the imposing presence of the air-hostesses. The idea of Yasmin Bleeth and Heidi Klum is vanquished as the once beautiful (once referring to the years between the founding of the Harappa civilization and the birth of Christ – don’t know which came first – low grades, see told ya!!) but now just scary looking air hostess shoving a tray and glaring at you at the same time.
I always get the rough end of the stick from the airhostesses. My theory on the same is that there is an evil twin somewhere running amock flirting with the daughters of the matriarchs who glare at me so. As a kid, the pater was always very keen that I read literature and grew up to be a cultured gentleman, basically a bhadro-lok. Don’t know how much that succeeded but I did encounter one of my fav phrases – the horns of dilemma. The true import of this word never truly dawned on me till the moment that I speak of. On one side yoko had managed to push his seat back ignoring the ladies’ complaints and had his hands stretched behind his head. Buddy banphool had nodded off and was in the process of rolling down a surprisingly large thread of spittle on my Ted Lapidus.(where are the Guinness guys when you need them). So I was faced with the choice of either inhaling 20 liters of banphool with every breath or putting to test whether yoko actually always used soap on his armpits or not.
That, my dears is the true meaning of Horns of Dilemma.Based on this journey, I would like to forewarn all the readers that board this flight only if you are of a stout heart and a brave soul. Listed below is the list of people who should never ever fly the INDIAN. I do sincerely hope that all my readers would fall under one of these categories for their own sake.Do not fly in the INDIAN unless:
1) Your height is below 4 feet 3 inches. If you are above that height you will cramp up like an Olympic marathoner. Every second of the 3 hour journey will be seem like an age in itself.
2) One of your ancestors was a certain Clarke Kent and you own a red cape and have the audacity to wear red underwear on top of your clothes. You might need the flying abilities once the plan is about to crash. This can happen at any time between the time it is on the runway, take off, mid air, landing.
3) You have spent 16 years in the South China Sea braving the storms and pirates at the same time. The amount of turbulence you will experience during the journey is akin to an adventure on the high seas.
Only to rub salt (which also will not be free flowing) into your wounds, after ten minutes of being tossed all over, you will be rewarded with an announcement “Ladies and Gentleman, we seem to be experiencing some turbulence, kindly keep your seat belts on)”. Ohh, someone noticed, thank heavens for small mercies. P.S. Don’t get me wrong – it’s not all bad on the INDIAN flight to Dubai. The food is not bad and one of the airhostesses was known to have smiled once in 1975.