I am Gyandeep Mardesai and we have with us, today, the President of BCCI, Shri Narad Gawar, hon’ble Minister for Criculture. BCCI, in case you did not know, refers to Board of Contracts and Contradictions in India. It is also known by other names, but this is the most accepted one. BCCI is the richest sports body in India and, perhaps, the richest in the world. Shri Gawar has taken time off from his busy work schedule to be on this show to clarify our doubts and reply to our queries…
GYANDEEP MARDESAI: Welcome to our show, sir!
NARAD GAWAR: Thank you(yawn).
GYANDEEP MARDESAI: These past few weeks have been tumultuous with the unexpected, early arrival of our cricket team back to our shores… what do you think was the reason?
NARAD GAWAR: You see… with our Cricket Team, you must always expect the unexpected. It’s uncanny how often they surprise us.
GYANDEEP MARDESAI: Er. they played insipid cricket and performed as if their mind was elsewhere.
NARAD GAWAR: Before they left for the Caribbean Islands I met them personally and advised them not to go anywhere near the beaches and not to dance to the Calypso tunes. But, it seems as though they didn’t act on my advice… they went to the beaches which were teeming with scantily clad bikini girls and danced to the Calypso music till late hours. That took its toll. At the time of the Bangladesh match, they had more non cricketing issues on their minds and, therefore, failed to judge the length of the deliveries, or the swing. They only thought of swinging on the beaches.
GYANDEEP MARDESAI: But sir, this team had a lot of seniors who had toured the West Indies before and they could have used that experience?
NARAD GAWAR: That’s exactly the point… they have used that experience not on the field but off the field.
GYANDEEP MARDESAI: Hmmm… do you think any heads will roll?
NARAD GAWAR: Yes, heads will definitely roll… we, in the BCCI are quite settled on this.
GYANDEEP MARDESAI: May I ask who you intend to axe?
NARAD GAWAR: Well, all the players who went to the West Indies but did not play in the eleven will be dropped from the team initially. If they were not good enough to be selected in the playing eleven then why were they selected at all?
GYANDEEP MARDESAI: But, I thought it was the senior players who lost the plot, so much was expected of them but they played like fledglings… surely they have to go.
NARAD GAWAR: Hmm… when we appointed Vainbarker as the head selector we were hoping he’d select the right combination for India. But, instead of selecting youngsters he succumbed to Dravids’s will and ended up even selecting Viru what we all thought was a perverted decision. Then he had the temerity to keep ‘barking’ that it was not his decision. He has lost the moral right to continue as the chief selector. He should submit his resignation.
GYANDEEP MARDESAI: What about Sehwag?
NARAD GAWAR: He should go back to Najafgarh and start playing ‘galli’ cricket. Once he breaks a few window panes he will be teeming with confidence and, then, he can come back into the team.
GYANDEEP MARDESAI: What are your views on Saurav?
NARAD GAWAR: He is batting well, but he still doesn’t want to run. He is not inclined to take the quick single so as to put pressure on the fielders and while in the field he doesn’t want to get anywhere near the ball either to field or catch it. He’s a real prince, so it is understandable that he doesn’t want to do menial jobs.
GYANDEEP MARDESAI: Bhalu Fasad Tandav once remarked that his Bihar’s galli cricketers play better than our Indian Cricket team… would you like to comment on that?
NARAD GAWAR: He is a cabinet minister and we are in the same government, as such, I do not want to comment on that but I wish to add that everyone has a right to their own opinion and I am sure Bhalu Fasad had reasons to believe in what he said.
GYANDEEP MARDESAI: What about the contract system, are you contemplating any changes in that?
NARAD GAWAR: We are seriously thinking on the lines of implementing an overriding clause. From now on, the players selected to represent the country will be awarded Rs.10000/- for every run scored and Rs.50000/- for every wicket taken. They will also get Rs. 25000/ for every catch taken, also, Rs1000/- for every run saved… that should be an incentive for players like Munaf Patel, Ganguly, Zaheer Khan who are reluctant to put in that extra effort on the field. We are also thinking of awarding Rs. 100000/- for every toss won by the Captain. But there is a downside to it… we are going to penalise the players for every misfield, every catch dropped, and every wicket thrown away. We are still working on the modalities.
GYANDEEP MARDESAI: Will not the players be under additional pressure and keep thinking of dropped catches, misfieldings, wides and no balls instead of concentrating on the game?
NARAD GAWAR: If they concentrate on the game then they will not commit errors in the first place… so where is the pressure?
GYANDEEP MARDESAI: Vision 2007 has gone up in smoke… what do you have in mind for Vision 2011?
NARAD GAWAR: Ahem…we have a lot of exciting plans ahead… first of all we’ll be scouting for a captain who leads and bats like Sticky Daunting. Some of the players that we are looking for to form the core of the 2011 team are:
1 A wicket keeper in the mould of ‘biblically’ the first man on Earth.
2 Two fast bowlers… one who bowls like ‘Slinga Malinga’ and the other who bowls like ‘Typhoon Tait’.
3 We are looking for a Batsman who can break the ‘Six Sixes in an over’ record held by Hellshell Gibbs. I think Dhola ri Dhoni can be trained to do that but, first, he must forget keeping.
4 We are also trying to scout for a batsman who can score a century in less than 37 balls and bowl at least 36 balls while fielding.
5 The Turbanator is all but terminated… in his place we should have someone who can bowl left arm chinamen.
6 In the middle overs we need bowlers like Abdul Mazzak and Paul Stallingwood who can lull the batsmen into complacency and tempt them to throw away their wickets. Alternatively they can demolish any attack with their different, but effective, styles of batting.
Continued in comments section.