Exhausted and exhaling an air of ‘Thank God its over’ness, Mr. X left the theatre to smoke besides his SUV, which waited for him amongst the swirls of dust in the PVR Saket parking lot.
Smoking one Malboro after another, he puffed and puffed, watching the rings dissolve into thin air. This was a distraction. He needed his mind to rest, but not immediately after sitting through a two and a half hour expression of cinematic intelligence.
Tossing his third cigarette away, he opened the door of his vehicle and sat inside, quiescent for a minute. He looked at the face on the other side of the mirror, which reflected an expression of queerness.
Initially bewildered, it didn’t take long before words of exchange followed:
X: Don’t stare at me like that.. I have a huge Bodyguard Hangover.
X2: What’s that supposed to mean? Is it good or bad?
X: Never mind. All it made me wonder was whether the other regional versions were on the same level as this one.
X2: Well, don’t bother! You’re taking it too seriously. Didn’t I tell you to leave your brain at home?
X: Excuse me! What’s that?
X2: Umm.. W-well… That’s a new category of films discovered by some random film critic sometime in the 2000s. Earlier there were meaningful films, critically acclaimed films, masala films, mass oriented films, entertaining films. Now there are leave-your-brains-at home / take your brains along but leave them in the toilet after the interval / leave your brains alone but be immune to embarrassing, cringe-worthy scenes kind of movies for the general audience. And many viewers bask in their own glory after using these terms for a movie, yet end up enjoying themselves.
X: No wonder, we have another 100 crore grosser in Bodyguard
X2: You’re wrong. It has collected more than 110 crores already, and counting. Do you know that it was released just over a week ago? Anyways.. What’s the film about?
X: Ohh.. There’s this Bodyguard whose services have been hired by a rich tycoon to protect his only daughter.
X2: Right..
X: She doesn’t like his interference, and doesn’t like his formal, professional attitude towards her.
X2: And..?
X: She calls him pretending to be someone else, and making him believe she’s fallen heads over heels in love with him.
X2: Go on...
X: He ultimately gets married to her and realizes her love, but not before eloping with a girl sent by the heroine to save his life, having a son, losing his wife, coming back to meet his maalik, getting married to his daughter after his request, and ultimately reading the confession of his dead-wife, all in a space of twenty minutes.
X2: OK.
X: There are also some jokes cracked on an overweight man and a midget, which are repeated in every second scene. That makes me wonder if Comedy Circus is the only thing operating in the world that revels in tasteful jokes.
X2 remains silent for a while. An uncomfortable, eerie silence follows before X opens his mouth.
X: What?
X2: Did I just say it made over 110 crores in a little over seven days?
X: Never mind. Do you know that a Bomb Blast occured at the High Court in New Delhi, roughly 2 months after a lower intensity blast in the same area?
X2: Well... I suppose Bodyguard’s collections aren’t the only thing making sense in India!
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Statutory Warning: Cigarette Smoking is injurious to health