I slapped myself. Once. Twice. A third time. I deserved them. In fact, I deserved not three, but ’n’ no. of slaps for being a fool for the (n+1)th time. And if you think that the usage of terms like ’n’ and ’n+1’ mean that Mr. Nikamma is studying a little too hard, think again.
Slap! Ow, the fourth one hurt. I proudly grinned at everyone around me so that they could also see how stong I was. Instead of looks of admiration, I received giggles of amusement. No surprise actually, considering the fact that there were 5-6 girls who were staring at me, and all girls do is giggle, giggle and well, giggle ... Now, why the girls were looking at me in the first place, is a different story altogether, but let’s leave that for some other time, shall we?
While on girls, much as I love them, I hate the fact that they always want to have their own way. What’s worse, they always seem to get it. By hook, er no, only by crook.
The story’s simple. A group of 9, 6 guys, 2 girls and 1 undecided (Er no, I guess I am being a little mean to Anish aka Anisha, so what if he believes in flicking his wrist every time he begins a new sentence!) were nikamme, owing to a cancelled practical. And since we didn’t believe in whiling away time at the library (we enjoy reading literature out there, not engineering textbooks which are heavier than our own weight), we decided to do it. Er, now don’t imagine all kinds of things, I meant watching a movie a week prior to the periodic tests.
’’Collateral’’, we screamed, in unison. We, as in, the guys. The confused soul gave his trademark flick of the wrist and gushed, ’’Ooh, Tom Cruise and Jaime Foxx ...’’ But, girls ... sigh ... first they squeal when they realise that Collateral stars Mr. Cruise, and then they crinkle their faces and say that they don’t want to watch an action movie. They are even more confused than Mr./Ms. Confused.
’’Nahiiiiiiiii’’ screamed all the guys, resembling 6 Amarr Upadhyays, standing next to each other. (Now one isn’t tolerable, you can imagine how six would have been ...) ’’Not Trash’s movie. I don’t want to watch Bride and Prejudice, please!’’ And then began it all, the feeble cries of ’’You won’t come with us for Bride & Prejudice?’’ Seriously, I hate the fact that girls always want to have their own way. What’s worse, they always seem to get it. By hook, er no, only by crook. Did someone say that I repeated that? Heck, I am too frustrated to coin a better sentence!
Well, we guys are to blame actually. We ended up watching Bride & Prejudice and were resigned to slapping ourselves all day long, in repentance.
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Kindly note that all the seemingly sexist remarks above are a direct effect of having seen Hum Tum yesterday for the (n-1)th time. All complaints to this review by outraged girls must not be addressed to me, and if they are, then an attached photograph is a must. Er, enough of bickering, let’s talk about prides and brides, Ash and trash ...
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Sans All Prejudices ... Here’s Nothing To Be Proud Of.
ing: Henderson, Trash and 21871 others (alright, might have been 21872)
Noise: Annu (or is it Anu/Anuu) Malik.
(Mis)direction: Gurinder Chadha
FINAL RATING: *
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I seriously feel that Aishwarya Rai is doing great social work, after having won her beauty paegent title. She collects the garbage on the Indian streets and ensures that the same garbage seeps into her acting (dis)abilities. How else do I explain that giggle, followed by that blank stare, followed by another giggle, followed by another blank stare, followed by ... er no, that scene got over.
Meet Rai, who is supposed to play Lalita, the Indianised version of Jane Austen’s literary character ’Lolita. And before you imagine the male lead to be a white trouser-white shoes Jeetendra, exclaiming ’’Lalllitaaaa’’, let me inform you that Martin Henderson, of ’Torque’ fame, plays the male lead - an affluent American, Darcy.
Jane Austen fans, if you suffer from a heart problem, don’t watch this one. If you don’t, don’t watch it again as the film will cause one. Gurinder Chadha tweaks Pride and Prejudice, in more drastic a manner than the minor change of spelling, and unlike her previous endeavour ’Bend It Like Beckham’ (which was amusing and endearing), ’Bride & Prejudice’ is noisy trash (pun intended) in the name of entertainment.
While Bollywoodising Austen’s classic novel, although Gurinder Chadha manages to keep you awake through the noisy proceedings, she totally ignores the emotional aspect of the novel. The conflicts between the leads seem amateurish, and the transition from loath to love, forced.
Imagine. There have indeed been plenty of instances of people who detest each other, turning into the greatest of lovers. But that doesn’t mean that two hours into the movie, Lalita hates Darcy and two hours and one second into the movie, she loves him, for reasons best known to the Almighty. I am aware that the novel too describes such a sudden transition, but to compare the cinematic interpretation of this transition with its literary counterpart would be like comparing Venkatesh Prasad’s commentary to Harsha Bhogle’s.
’’Eeyyyumm vellaaah shooooaar daaat Heendya wheel wheen ... ’’
’’VENKY, KEEP OUT OF MY REVIEW!’’
Yes, we know that the Hindi title is ’Balle Balle Amritsar To LA’ (Er, please tell me to laugh if that’s supposed to sound funny). But does that mean that a bhangra has to pop up every 2 minutes? Oh yes, I do love Punjabi food and customs, I somehow even ignore heart patients dancing ’Maahi Ve’ to show that Punjoos rock. But, do Amritsarites spring into a bhangra every 120 seconds? Apparently, according to Chadha, they do.
When they refrain from the Bhangra, they engage in nightmarish snake-dances, which make you wish that you were watching Jaani Dushman - Ek Anokhi Kahani instead. You think it cannot get worse? Hold on, my dear friend, I haven’t mentioned Trashwairya Rai, as yet!
The music will have you begging for the album of Masti. (Remember ’On the roof, in the rain? In the basement, down the drain?). The lyrics will have you wondering whether you actually heard what you heard, considering that they are penned by Javed Akhtar. The music is deeply ’inspired’ - take one song from K3G, take another from the climax sequence of DDLJ, and voila, Anu Malik’s finished his job! Apart from one song whose guitar tune repeats throughout the movie, the music is atrocious.
Aishwarya Rai looks as real as her recently put up wax figure at Madam Tussad’s. She gets full scope to display her dancing abilities, but then if only dancing and giggling were the required criteria, they could have very well cast the girl who won the Musafir Item Girl hunt.
Martin Henderson suits his role to the T. He lends some sanity to the proceedings and acts well.
Nadira Babbar and Anupam Kher show that they are quality actors, inspite of being given stereotype, one-dimensional roles.
Nitin Ganatra, as the wierd NRI, successfully portrays a character that is so disgusting, that he has you in splits. But if I were to laugh at wierd and gross humour, I would still prefer seeing Shakti Kapoor proclaiming that he is a chota sa, nanha sa, pyaara sa bachcha!
Among the sisters, Namrata Shirodkar’s restrained performance and the vivacious Peeya Rai Chaudhary’s amazing screen presence must be lauded. The less said about the fourth sister’s snake dance, the better.
Review contd. in comments