Very surprisingly, I found only ONE review for Britney Spears’ latest album - and a positive one at that! So I decided it was high time I stepped in and put my not-too-pleasant thoughts to paper. I promise I’ll try to keep this clean, but it’s taking all of my willpower, so I hope you appreciate it. :)
Introduction
First of all, in all honesty, she wasn’t always like this. She was born in Kentwood, Louisiana, and took the world by storm with her first album, ’’Baby One More Time’’. Sure, I didn’t like it (too cutesy), but everyone else seemed to. She was the new...I don’t know, really. She was such a big phenomenon that now everyone uses her as a yardstick. Everyone loved her - little girls dressed up like her, teens were craving her music, men were buying Britney dolls (you know why...), and so on...
And then she changed. Out went the cutesy little track pants and little denim skirts, and in came the breast implants and the revealing clothes. If you look at her three albums, you can see the transition from the cover photos alone - the first is cutesy-pop, little Britney in a regular denim skirt and big smile - the second a little more daring, with Britney in a belly revealing outfit, the third, the most risque, with Ms. Britney in a grunge-denim outfit, cleavage spilling out, and a would-be pout on her face.
My point? A good seed gone bad. I’ll proceed with the review now.
1. I’m A Slave 4 U
First of all - for crying out loud, don’t butcher the language! What is it with pop-stars ’fixing’ English and with George Bush saying ’nu-ku-lar’ instead of ’nuclear’. Pfft.
Anyway, this song could not possibly get any worse. It’s about Britney telling the world that they shouldn’t be shocked at her transformation, that this is her ’true’ self, and basically that she doesn’t give a hoot anymore. But couldn’t she have done it in a more appealing way? Of course not. The song is half-talk, half quasi-orgasmic breathing. It’s horrible, I tell you! Horrible! Do not listen to this song unless someone holds a gun to your head and forces you to.
2. Overprotected
Britney whining about her life being overprotected - that’s all this song basically is. With an ear-rupturing background track and absolutely ’trying-to-be-cool’ singing, this song is another bad one. Oh fine, if I have to be positive, I’ll say that it had great potential - the beat COULD have been nice. Honestly, Britney, if you’re feeling overprotected, this is not the most responsible way to break out of your shell, honey.
3. Lonely
My God, what happened to her voice?! That’s the biggest question you’re going to ask when you listen to this track. She sounds like (1) she’s trying to choke back a reflux of vomit, (2) some of her godawful stringy dresses went down her throat, or (3) the three-four years of bad singing are finally getting to her. Take your choice. The song sounds almost EXACTLY like Overprotected. I don’t need to say anymore, do I?
4. I’m Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman
Snort at the title. So, Britney, is that your explanation for your not-so-pleasant moods? Please don’t put a black mark against the rest of us not-girls, not-women - we’re perfectly fine, thank you very much.
The song is the best of the album, in my opinion, which is not saying very much at all. I still hate it. It shows Britney trying to be all sentimental and make up for her horrid behaviour. Does it work? No. The rest of the songs are so horrible that the effect of this one is diluted. Her voice also sounds like she has a cold. This song, by the way, was included in ’Crossroads’, the movie in which she starred, which I didn’t even bother to watch, for obvious reasons.
5. Boys
Moving onto the worst track. ’Boys’ is a steamy, gyrating track, where Britney supposedly reveals her ’inner self’. If this is your inner self, I’m running away. Keep it under wraps, please. And listen to these miserable lyrics:
Boys, sometimes a girl just needs one
Boys, to love her and to hold
Boys, and when a girl is with one
Boys, then she’s in control
Will the enlightened please tell me if boys are the latest fashion accessory? Because that’s exactly what it sounds like from this chorus. Oooh, bring on the snark. Britney, keep your bad child under wraps and spare the rest of us.
6. Anticipating
Oooh, this one sounds like a carnival. Seriously, that’s what the music sounds like. And Britney dearest sounds like she’s on the Ferris Wheel, going up, up, and away...if only. It’s okay, I guess, but far too cutesy/wannabe for me. Moving on...
7. Cinderella
What can I say? Another one of my favourite childhood tales has been MUTILATED by Britney Spears! Call the cops, someone, this one’s a stinker.
With yet another vomit-avoiding voice track, Britney somehow drills into our heads that Cinderella has got to go. Shut up, Britney. When were you Cinderella anyway?
8. I Love Rock ’n’ Roll
Oh, lookie mommie! Britney’s trying to be a rocker! Hah! Yeah right. She comes off as sounding totally...fake. This is another song incorporated into ’Crossroads: the movie’. Enough said.
9. Let Me Be
This song, surprisingly, is reminiscent of cutesy-Britney. Yep, it’s that bad. Her voice sounds all croaky and foggy, as if she just woke up. Or maybe it’s just another pathetic attempt at trying to sound sexy. It’s not working...
Oh, spare me! There are three more tracks, but I have not heard any of them (thankfully). I hope you don’t mind if I leave you here.
This was my snarkiest review yet - so to those who are shocked at my sarcastic persona, come on, do the Britney-thing and accept my ’inner self’...snorts with laughter.
Just kidding guys. ;) I’m still the same, it’s just the Britney overload getting to my mind. Hope you enjoy this review, and please leave some comments, I’d love to read them and see what you thought of this.