So here I go again. What’s with me and food? I fancy myself being a believer of “eat to live”. But when I go to a restaurant I harbour some expectations and hence feel let down if they are not met. Of course making allowances for the restaurants theme etc. So it’s in that light that I put finger to keyboard.
Ever been to a place that is so pretentious that it puts you off in a matter of minutes? I was there one Sunday. Caravan Cerai. I believe its been around for some time and hence should have gotten its act right by now. Not so. I looked for what other mouth-shutters have experienced and found some similar experiences.
Lighting is perfect… if you’re a nocturnal animal. What’s the point of spending so much on the décor if you put in dim lighting? Better not to decorate the place and THEN put in dim lighting! Great idea, no? Space was cramped. A party of six (3 ‘normal’ sized people and 3 ‘midgets’ – that’s the wife and in-laws! Hyuk hyuk) at the table and we were cramped. I had to sit like a punished school boy. Shoulders hunched. Arms hanging between my legs. And then there’s one particular steward who seems more at home in a police lineup than in a restaurant. Service was bad; lazy waiters. Three people ordered 2 different brands of beers. Common sense dictates that before serving the waiter asks first. No such luck. I ended up having KF when my preference was a Bud. Also, to serve the person on the other side of the table, the waiter stretched from over my generous shoulders and across the table. Result? Gravy on my beer glass. Even though I didn’t like the beer (No offense, Mr Mallya) but this was too much. I figured I ought to be thankful it didn’t land in my beer! Then that would have been a waste of bad beer AND worse food.
Yes. That brings us to the food part. Starters are priced around 250 to 350 bucks. Considering the price I expected them to taste fantastic too. No such luck again. I could’ve gotten the same taste from any 2 bit restaurant. And their lighting would be proper too! Perhaps it was just my bad luck? We had ordered a Mutton kadai and a chicken dish. Very pedestrian. The swarthy suited steward pointedly refused to offer any suggestions as to dishes. Perhaps it was our pissed-off expressions. So we adventurously ventured on our own. The fare was rather uninspiring. The main dishes were heavy on the gravy and light on the pieces. The mutton rogan josh had 3 pieces of meat in it. So half of us got generous doses of the gravy. The Chicken dish had enough vegetables in it to qualify as a veg dish! Serious! If the light wasn’t so damn dim I would’ve counted the veggies. We put our taste buds in cold storage and shoveled the food down our unwilling throats. My poor in-laws who believe in “live to eat” were uncharacteristically quiet during the on-going tragedy.
The entire experience set me back by about 3 grand. Not including tip (and none was offered). I can understand that waiters just serve the food and I’m cool with that. It’s just that even the service was lousy.
Caravan Cerai occupies prime real estate and any establishment that serves halfway decent food with good service can make a killing. Leads me to wonder if the place is making money. I read somewhere that the place has a chef from the ITC Grand. Why doesn’t he go back there and inflict the menu on the “furriners”? That brings me to the title of this little piece. It’s my theory that if the chef is fired and sent back to ANY hotel that serves the “furriner” then it will have cataclysmic effect. The ‘furriners” will bad mouth the country. They’ll stop visiting us. Local tourism led economies will crumble. Leading to mass migration of jobless people. (Imagine Mr. Serrao trying to eke out a living as a fridge salesman on hoity-toity Napean Sea road; “What men. Why you not buying this, men? It’s bloody good.
Telling you. Mudder promise.”) MNS leaders will do a volte-face in light of the new vote bank shift leading to mass confusion amongst the rank and file. And you know what happens then. A confused potential rioter is a half-cocked gun. Making him completely cocked. Tension will be rife. Also with higher job competition (Remember Mr. Serrao?) work-pressure will increase leading to proportionate increase of stress-related disorders and ailments. The nuclear-family paradigm will crumble. Our forex situation had deteriorated a long time ago. (The tourist didn’t come.) Leading to a bad export scenario. This in turn made Indian goods very expensive and the Chinese walked all over us. Of course, they annexed large parts of India (Our Govt. had no forex to buy ammunition, spares and armaments, you monkey!) to set up factories and churn out .25 paise torches that we all bought considering that the Ministry of Power went kaput, with rioters constantly bringing down electricity poles in their rush to the cities. The list of calamities will go on…the mind boggles.
So like every good Indian I suggest we do our patriotic duty and visit Caravan atleast once a month. C’mon guys, think of it as service to your country through your stomach.
See you there coming Sunday!