A year being added to my life or a rather a year reduced of my stay on this planet, forced me to face the brutual reality of life. In another 15 years I will have aged considerably, if I live that long. I did ask myself some questions, will I be able to take care of my needs then? Will I need help? Will I be financially dependant on others? Will I be a burden to others? Being used to doing all work by myself and self-sufficient, I shuddered at these thoughts of mine. God Forbid, if I need anyone’s help. But who knows, what is in store for me tomorrow? It is always beneficial to be realistic and not float on cloud nine. ;-)
This being the age of nuclear families, we are so busy in our own lives, we hardly have time to think of the people responsible for bringing us in this world. Be honest with yourself with these questions. How often are we in touch with our parents? How much time do we spend with them? The answers might be startling for many of us. I too, barely had time to visit my Mom but certainly called her whenever possible.
With the advancement in science and technology, the general lifespan too has increased. People live longer than before. When we were small, our parents did everything for us, if they denied us anything, we would retort by saying that you people were responsible for bringing us in this world. Even then they looked after us, had loads of patience( believe me children can be rather trying, I hope my son doesn’t read this sentence ;-) ) while teaching us things, provided us with necessities of life, many a times went beyond their means to provide us with things which may have been unnecessary demands.
When they grow old - The realization that your parents are growing old comes like a jolt. How much ever they deny, they need you more than ever. They may still be able to do most of the work by themselves, let them do what they are able to do without exerting themselves. It is essential to remember that they are growing old and not getting some disease, aging is a process through which we all go.
What you should doand not do – Most problems occur when the parents live alone. Do not make them overly dependant upon you, both physically and emotionally. Do not coddle them, it takes away their Self-esteem, they like to retaintheir independence and probably won’t tell you what they are going through. Self-sufficient people do not readily accept that they may no longer be able to do things the way they used to do earlier. Do make an effort to know about the medical problems that they suffer from, the medicines that they take and the Doctors they consult. See if they need any help around the household, arrange for some help.
In any case never degrade them, treat them with respect, love and care and not like some useless article. Remember, History has a way of repeating itself, you reap as you sow. If you do not treat your parents well, there are chances that you maybe ill-treated by your children. Offer Financial help if needed, most probably they must have retired and must be living with a limited income. Do remember that they have spent a major portion of their earnings unselfishly on you and your sibling’s education, marriage and other needs.
If they are financially self-sufficient and they need your help with investments try to help them as much as possible. See that they are well insured for medical emergencies and other types of insurance needed.
Don’t make your guilt do things for them, you should genuinely feel like doing things for them. Spend some quality time with them. They want someone to listen to them, listen attentively to them. Some of them do develop speech problems, ask them to repeat slowly. Never ignore their ramblings, not listening to them may make them feel unwanted and lead to depression. Old age is like glass to be handled with care. Sometimes they may do things to gain your attention if they feel lack of attention from you, more so if you are the only child. They may complain about imaginary pain, be judicious in knowing when their suffering is real. Do not ignore their complaints, ignoring them may lead to dejection.
Some illness that they may suffer - They may suffer from blood pressure, diabetes, arthiritis, insomnia, loss of concentration and memory, constant fatigue. Heart problems too become quite common in old age. See that they take a healthy diet, refrain from excessive smoking/alcohol, strenuous work should be a strict no but light exercise is definitely advisable as to keep the joints well oiled ;-)
Interests - Help them cultivate some new hobbies or restart their old ones, encourage them to write if they have a leaning towards it. They can try some new crafts or act as a volunteer in some NGO, their experience can definitely be valuable. They need to feel useful, if they are able they can also work for everyday for a few hours and have the pleasure of earning an income too. You shouldn’t mind if your parents love your children more than you, being grandparents they are sure to love them to bits. Are you getting jealous that your parents love your children more than you ? ;-) Let them take greater interests in your children, they will feel occupied and will be able to guide them in a better way.
Why do parents have to stay alone – Some are forced to stay alone as they are not wanted by their children who feel that old parents are useless. These kind of callous children do exist. Some parents and children do not get along with their children and to avoid regular conflicts, they avoid living together. Some Daughter-In-Laws may not like to live with the Inlaws, thinking that her lifestyle may get hampered or that her husband doesn’t have time for her. If same happens with her parents, she will be annoyed with her brother and his wife. A Son-In-law may not want to live with his Inlaws, thinking that they will interfere in his life. How callous they can be? More problems occur if the parents have only son or daughter. A daughter will get torn between her parents and her husband, to avoid breaking a daughter’s home, the parents may decide to live alone. Ever thought how a son would feel if he is parents stay alone. What would happen if one of the parents have a heart attack or go into diabetic coma, as these are very common in old age. I shudder at these thoughts, I am fortunate in the sense that my parents were never alone, my other siblings were there to take care of them more than me. My inlaws too are never alone, my MIL is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, she is never let out of sight.
Just remember that our Inlaws too take place of our parents. Even if you feel for your inlaws a fraction of what you feel about your parents, you will go long way. Remember that they too need their son/daughter as much as you need your parents. I too have only one son and I do expect him to look after us.
Just remember ”You can never repay your parents, care for your parents and inlaws alike”