Some questions have always stumped me! For example:
Why does the Udipi Hotel boy always wants to sweep under my legs as soon as my hot idli arrives?
Who is the man with raised palms adorning every wall in every Udipi hotel in Mumbai?
What exactly is that liquid that the railway canteen serves as tea?
Then there is the more serious section of questions that seriously affect my life. For example:
Why does my telephone bill show an excess usage just when I feel like buying a suit?
Why does the Indian cricket team always depend on bowlers to bat and batsmen to bowl?
How come my most seductive looks make a girl feel sisterly affection towards me?
Well, these questions have no answers! One topmost question in this list is ***What gift should I buy for any occasion for any person?*** To help my MS friends through this predicament, I am hereby giving an account of a fateful afternoon at Lokhandwala Complex!
You see, my wife has this strange knack of knowing just what will get on her husband’s nerves! So, as it happened, she announced one September evening that it was her wish that every member of her family(that is, my in-laws) should get some present for Diwali(which horrifyingly coincided with her parents’ marriage anniversary), as it was her parents’ 30th year of matrimonial bliss!(?)
Yes, it was her wish! And the line *Your wish is my command* is an understood deal between a husband and a wife! So it happened that I found myself roaming in the streets of Lokhandwala Complex with my bitter half(that’s **NOT** a typo). I accompanied my wife with the same zeal a goat would accompany a butcher after being told that she is to be butchered shortly!(Okay.that’s a copied line)
First on the list was of course my father-in-law. Considering it was his 30th year as a perfect husband, I felt he deserved the President’s award for tolerance, but as a husband, I dutifully kept my opinions to myself, and followed my wife in the maze of shops.(Never ever give your opinion to your wife. You can safely talk about Osama and American economy, but never ever give an opinion on the price of the onions or the latest gossip in Bollywood.)
The shopkeeper saw my wife and smiled. He never looked at me. I stood in the corner, awaiting the final verdict, that is the bill.
’What do you suggest, honey?’, asked my wife sweetly. After all, only a man could decide what gift to buy your father-in-law. After carefully examining the various things in the shop, I suggested a shaving-kit. It was a navy blue coloured pouch with a razor, blades, shaving brush, aftershave lotion and a shaving cream. Apart from that, there were also some extra accessories like a small scissors, a nail-cutter, a comb and a small bottle of musk. It was the perfect package for travel.
*’So.that’s the way you want to tease my Pappa?’**, boomed a 20db voice throughout the length and the breadth of the shop. The owner of the voice was my wife, waving the pint-sized comb in the air. It took me a second to realize that a man who has withstood 30 years of high degree torture is sure to lose all his hair.and my father-in-law was no exception.
*(TIP NO.1- Always make sure that the gift you buy is going to be *useful* to the recipient.)*
So, finally, my wife settled down on a Titan watch. I did try to protest, but it seemed like the decision was taken! My wife pointed out that every occasion demands its gifts. And an occasion like the 30th Marriage Anniversary deserved something more than a lousy shaving kit.
*(TIP NO.2- Judge the *importance of the occasion* before deciding the gift.)*
The next person on the list was my mother-in-law. I told my wife that a very good saree shop had just opened in place of the Men’s Fashions Shop which was demolished last month.
’Everybody buys sarees. Lets buy something else’, declared my wife.
*(TIP NO.3- *Dare to be different.* Let your gift be different from the other gifts.)*
So saying, she pulled me in the opposite direction, straight to the Lampshades shop. Strange, if you ask me! I mean, imagine buying a lampshade as a present. I tried telling her that a lampshade was not exactly what I did expect to be given on my 30th marriage anniversary(God Bless me!).
’Mummy was saying she wanted a lamp-shade for a long time’, my wife said.
*(TIP NO.4- *Keep a track* of what your near and dear ones want. It always helps!)*
After a lot of discussion(with the shopkeeper.not me!) as to *what-shade-will-go-with-the-blue-wallpaper* and *what-kind-of-light-has-the-most-life* etc., my wife finally selected a lampshade which she said was a beauty. Even a monkey costing such a fortune would have looked like Marlyn Monroe to me, I thought!
*(TIP NO.5- While buying decoration items, be sure that you *know the interiors* of the house it is to be gifted in!)*
That done.our next mission was to find a gift for my brother-in-law.’How about a shirt?’ I said.
My wife looked at me with the typical *you-idiot* look that only wives can give.
’Shirts are the most common gifts that a 24-year-old gets. Oh.can’t you even attempt to be a wee-bit innovative?’, she said in an exasperated tone.
’Pant?’, I said thoughtfully.
She said’Chk!’(that’s the closest I can get to that sound!)
She took me to a Music shop.(Ahaa.paradise!)
’Let’s get some music for him. He loves listening to music.’
*(TIP NO.6- The best gift is a gift that allows the recipient to enjoy *his hobby*.)*
’How about these?’ I said, showing her some CDs of R.D.Burman and Mozart.
’Will you stop being funny?’ was all I heard before I promptly put them back on the shelf.
My wife selected two CDs of Bombay Viking(she said they are the ones who made the immensely popular number *Wo Chali Wo Chali*), and a CD of a lady called J-Lo!
*(TIP NO.7- Always know what is the *current trend* if you are buying something for the current generation.)*
I looked forlornly at a silent R.D.Burman and an irate Mozart as I paid for the Viking and the babe.
So folks, hope that my wife’s wisdom in gifts helps you to know the golden rules to follow while buying a gift. I am happy that at least my MS friends can get some tips following my *harrow*ing experience with my wife, although my bank balance resembled a ransacked den!
Sometimes.in-laws can be outlaws too!