Enlisted below are some of the most popular career choices people take up these days. Pointed out in a simple and lucid manner are aptitudes, characteristics and skills needed to make it big in the said profession.
Have an eye for clothes? More than that, are you able to siphon off ideas, do some patchwork and somehow match assorted accessories? You can be a
Fashion Designer
To further your career you would need:
a)A firm belief that your designs(copied from international labels or from your grandmom’s sarees) are worn by the who’s who of anywhere
b)A firmer belief that a price of Rs. 25, 000 for a chuddie you designed is dirt cheap
c)Limp wrists(in men)
Suggested readings: Any fashion catalogue to pinch ideas from
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Ladies! Do you have an opinion on the latest restaurant; the newest model and other things that you think highly matter? Do you like to judge beauty pageants(both male and female), you can become a
Socialite
You would need to
a)Marry a high profile, stinking rich industrialist
b)Ask beauty pageant contestants chilling questions like “If you had to choose between spending an evening with your mother-in-law or placing your head in a shark’s mouth which would you choose and why?”
c)Drape yourself around male esc*rts 1/3rd your age.
Suggested readings: Socialite Evenings by Shobha De
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If you are young male or female, at least average looking with a good body and more importantly to get work you wouldn’t mind sleeping with fat, ugly, old people of all three sexes, then you can be a
Model
A model may even participate in beauty pageants, and face aforesaid tricky questions tossed by the Socialite. Life is a blessing and an intelligent reply is not expected of models. Safely get away with, “Since I don’t have a mother in law and have never met a shark I wouldn’t know. But I’ll certainly make an informed choice when the occasion arises; because I believe in caring, sharing and loving and will drop everything and run to Mother Teresa as soon as this event is over.” Full marks!
Suggested reading: hahaha
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If you happen to belong to the gene pool of erstwhile directors, actors, actresses, then you can be a
Teen Heart throb in Bollywood(Call yourself an actor/actress, if you insist)
Attributes desired but not necessary:
Ability to snort coke
An affinity towards the underworld
Bashing up girlfriends, hunting bisons(or was that deer?) and killing homeless street-dwellers
Should you not get movie roles then try TV serials, these require even lesser acting talents, if not even these you could always star in a bhangra pop music video. Whichever the medium, make sure you adequately spill cleavage/bare your six-pack abs as per your gender.
Suggested reading: Refer to suggested reading for models
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You never loved school or college? Never got the grades, hated sports? Could do nothing creative? Failed in life, in general? Take heart, all is not yet lost, become a
Religious Fundamentalist
Sit with your Grandpop for a few days to learn something about your religion and twist it to make your own violent interpretation. Vociferously attack the other religion in a most vulgar manner. Familiarize yourself with terms like jehad, rath yatra, islamiyat, hindutva, wear explicit symbols to display your religious leanings, deconstruct derelict places of worship and even attack the ones that are flourishing. Fame and fortune await you.
Suggested Reading: Your religious texts, or at least pretend to have read them
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Were you always too egoistic to avoid the headlines, then go ahead and become a
Writer cum Activist
Sell India’s poverty to the world by writing a novel that has casteism as the central theme and incest as a peripheral. Follow this up with a collection of political essays, which read worse than Std 6th Civics answer papers. Later find some cause to lend your name to. How does an anti-dam agitation sound?
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Is gully cricket more than just a fascination? Why not do it professionally, be a
Cricketer cum Match-fixer
Bribe your way into the national team and fix matches with bookies. You are not expected to win all the time. Our populace is rather benevolent and a win to lose ratio of 1:7 is perfectly acceptable, so that you left to concentrate more on your modelling assignments.
On retirement or after you are chucked out of the team, you can become a commentator. Make sure that by then you have a vocabulary rich with laughably embarrassing clichés, similes and other such associated trash.
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Were you a bully since as long as you remember? Did you never need to inculcate offensive criminal qualities just because you were born with them? Join the
Underworld
Drape a flop starlet around your paunch and extort money from the above mentioned professions. Nil investment and big time returns characterize this vocation.
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Poor you couldn’t fall into any of these categories? You mean you have no redeeming feature whatsoever? Take heart all is not lost yet. There exist in our country institutions like the Lok Sabha and the state Vidhan Sabha, get a seat in them and become an
MP/ MLA
If you have all possible vices, have a heinous criminal track record and in addition you are over the hill and haven’t yet made your mark in any particular profession, you are the right apt candidate for these posts. You must have the uncanny ability of slipping away unscathed even when caught guilty. You must learn to uproot mikes fastened on your table and throw them on your opponents during parliamentary debates. Perks: Nil job content
Suggested Reading: Strictly None required but try reading My First ABCD primer
Did anyone say what about all those professionals that our country needs in ever increasing numbers?
Doctors, nurses, social workers, engineers, software professionals, paramedics, accountants, chemists, pharmacists, hospitality services, teachers, statisticians, biotechnologists, entrepreneurs, research scientists, physicists, journalists, industry analysts, microbiologists, food technologists, agriculturalists, exporters, NGO workers, the armed forces and many more I may have unfortunately missed out.
Naah.these are things maybe our country needs, but they aren’t for us isn’t it?
Go in for those glam jobs man, aren’t they too cool?