To Be Or Not To Be – That Is The Question. I have tried to pen down my thoughts on the topic of dealing with marriage or divorce in the form of a narration – do have the patience to read through this, and if this write-up brightens at least one individual’s life, I would consider it worth a million comments – not that I do not want comments – they are most appreciated:-).
Sheetal is our typical urbane, intelligent, modern woman who of late had started feeling more lonelier as years passed by and more dejected as her 30th birthday flew by. She started missing something in life and felt wistful when she saw couples walk past her hand-in-hand. She had high expectations from a prospective groom and like most people thought marriage is a process where a person comes into your life and will love you, honor you, cherish you, praise you, and stick with you “till death do them apart, ” and it is a path laden with only roses – little did she know that they are thorns too and we just have to learn how to avoid the thorns or cut them out.
They say God is the sternest teacher. Of many proposals that came by, there was one guy who actually made her believe he had fallen in love with her at first sight. Suddenly for the first time in her life, she “looked” visibly happy, elated, started dressing up, and like they say “was on cloud nine.” Even her parents started to see this transformation, and finally one day, they got married.
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Am sure most people who are not married would have gone through this phase where you feel lonely and feel your life is incomplete. My suggestion for all those singles is take your time, even though you feel depressed, sad, etc., to choose your partner, spend at least 8 months to an year knowing their personal traits, likes/dislikes and to watch out for danger signs like anger, extremely demanding nature, untrusting, closed-mindedness, egoistic, selfish, uncaring, etc., just simply put, even after spending months, if you realize the other person is like a closely shut book to you, then get out and get out of it fast.
It is human nature to put on a ‘mask’ and project only what is best in them in the initial years of dating, so take time to choose your life partner. No individual is perfect – what we need to agree is to what extent can you deal with their shortcomings and to what extent you can understand each other, talk out differences, and view your partner as your other half and not someone lesser/higher than you and accept them for what they are.
Now coming back to Sheetal’s story, now that they were married, both did not feel the need to wear the mask, their original personalities came through. They could hardly speak to each other without the conversation ending in a fight –a consequence of having high expectations and not understanding what the other person is trying to say through their actions.
As was expected, one day after a huge quarrel, Nikil, her husband decides to drop her at her mom’s place. After that, he stops picking her calls and even throws her out when she goes to visit him stating he wants a divorce.
When life withers before it blooms, you are left in the middle – neither you are single nor married. The biggest fear what people in this phase face is the social stigma attached to the word divorcee(grass widower/widow)– the way people look at you, like you have done something terribly wrong, probably that is why you are divorced, etc.
- Do Not get into a marriage thinking you will try it out; if not, will take a divorce. Never utter the dreaded word no matter how bad things are – there is ‘almost’ nothing that cannot be solved through talking things out.
- If already divorced or going for one, steer clear of all the things that remind you of the past – it is easier said than done, but divorce is death’s simile – both heal with time but surely the scars will be left behind – for you to remember the lessons learnt and NOT to repeat your mistakes again.
- Remember human psyche always believes grass is always greener on the other side. Try to keep yourself happy in your current situation, be your best friend, and do not expect others to pity you, do not indulge in self-pity. All said and done, there will be times when you cannot stop your cheeks from getting wet, go ahead and cry as much you want, get it out of your system and free yourself. There is nothing wrong in crying.
- Keep yourself busy. Ask yourself this question: Assume you are lying on your death bed, what are the things you regret not doing and always wanted to do, ” just go ahead and do all those things. See the positive side of being single again.
- Start doing things which you like – be it mountaineering, jogging, dancing, etc. This way you will get out of this bubble of depression – meet new people, make new friends, have a fulfilling life.
- Whatever be it, do not keep your mind idle as we all know mind is a trickster which keeps trying to pull us back to the past –remember all the bad things that happened in the relationship and know that you have come out of it wiser.
- Do not have any hurt feelings and complexes that he/she left you for someone because they are better than you – just know that the person has different expectations from life and both of you are better off this way. God has made each individual unique and there is no one like you - be proud of this fact.
- Whatever happens, do not think about the unknown future – will I be alone all my life, will I die alone, will I ever find love. As it is written a million times in all the self-help books – ‘live in the moment.’
- When you start enjoying your life, you will meet like-minded people and probably you might even find that ever-elusive marital bliss:-). Even if you do not, we all just have a handful number of years to live – live it happily, do something for those who are less fortunate and are in worse situations in life than you. You will see how it transforms your life and gives you a more fulfilling life.