Effectiveness, is how efficiently, the means are achieved, with as optimal effort as possible.You may not realise this, but the above sentence is a disclaimer.How to deliver an effective speech, or in other words, How to become a tomatoes and eggs exporter.
The key to this whole thing, is make the audience think they are doing themselves a favour by hurling identified rotten objects at you. This is tricky.
One has to be conscious of the fact, that one is speaking terribly. One has to pretend to stumble over words, contradict oneself, look shamefaced, while at the same time, pretending to stagger on with your ’’speech’’. Secretly smiling to oneself, serves no useful purpose.
Practice looking miserable and humiliated. The best way to start, is by starting competently. This makes your overall oratory demise much more interesting, and as a result, more of the people are willing to participate in your public humiliation. Start competently. Start by greeting the audience, commenting on the weather.. one person I know used to start effectively by saying ’’I am nervous, so I am going to imagine all of you in your underwear’’.
Then point to someone, preferably ugly, and say, ’’not you’’. This works like a trick, the audience really thinks you are a great speaker, and gets ready to hear something really life changing.
Then proceed to embarass yourself rapidly. Start looking even more nervous, demonstrating that your clothes-trick made it all the worse. No audience can take this lightly. Falter over cliches, preferably mix two or three, and present a compound cliche with great verbal fanfare. Do NOT, at any cost, display an amusement in your own incompetence. This point cannot be overstressed.
Make sure that halfway into your speech, the subject has been totally replaced, by a general commentry on the history of some great nation. Innacurate, that too. Be flexible with the definition of ’’great’’. Tremendous results can be achieved using nations that people, in general, are angry with.
Most of the time, the audience is a fool. If you can tell them this, without them realising that you are telling them this, it works wonders. Not only can you become a tomato and rotten egg exporter, but quite often, people will throw absolutely anything that comes in their hands. Quite often, precious jewelry has been chucked at offending speakers. This is your ultimate aim, once you can manage that, you have arrived.
Your exit must be ignominious. There is no use going off smiling triumphantly. That will give the game away. Never advertise your egg and tomato export business.
Incidently, all this is part of a speech I once gave. I wasn’t able to complete it.