Hello,
I am here to help you. I am your happy-to-be-of-service mouthshut profile writer. Here is how I can help you. No really, its true, I really DO want to help you. Your sad lonely lives are a burden to my daily well being. Why not brighten up an otherwise meaningless dull existence?(yours! yours! Do not for a moment think I am talking about myself. I have better things to do, as you can see and will doubtlessly agree!)
Pack the following things.
1) Photographs of yourself.
2) Photographs in which you look like yourself.(I will use these, the first ones were just for your own satisfaction, but send them to me anyway. If you don’t I will assume THESE to be THOSE, and will shudder at what you might REALLY look like)
3) Any previous failed attempts to write a profile, before someone like me came along to help you. Realise at this moment that I am a godsend.
4) Any donation which will further contribute to my emotional well being(and therefore yours), and persuade me to continue this good samaritan service. I don’t want to swing this in any particular direction; let me just say that the last person who chose to take my help, rightfully contributed a lot more than others thereby making his profile guaranteed to be a lot better.
Put all these things in a bag, and mail them to me. Remember to put your address on the bag too. That way, if there is a problem with any of the four, AHEM, three things, I will promptly return your belongings and intellectual property to you.
Once your profile has been written up and posted, there are a few obligations from your side, to continue our mutually harmonious relationship.
Face it, everything is a risk, and so is this. After I have spent hours and hours pondering, wondering, meandering to take the boring bits together and make an interesting picture out of them, you are legally bound to never question my judgement. Never ask to have your profile removed, or modified.(Modified perhaps, but please read point number 4 in things-to-send-me for it to be of any validity)
You must never think I am using your profile as a vehicle for my own thoughts and opinions. Once, I composed a delightful and witty profile for a suburban middle class lady, and so what if there were a few marijuana legalization issues which her profile addressed? Neutral statements such as’All your gods are false’ serve to brighten up your profile a little, and the sooner you realise this, the better we are going to understand each other.
An old man who partook of my profile-writer service did not understand why his profile should contain the line’and for$3.99 per minute, you can even talk to me on the phone’. Chances are you will neither. But wisdom is not for everybody. Otherwise you would be writing profiles, and I would be sending you photographs, writings, and money(lots of it) to have you help me out, instead. Do you not agree?
Good. Then its settled. I am glad we have no further issues to iron out. You must immediately send me the material I need, and any additional material you think that can be of’material’ value to me. Anything is acceptable. In fact, if you happen to run out of space in the big parcel you are going to send me, I will even accept your photos and writings at a later date, in a different smaller parcel.
After all, your contributions will give me an effective idea about the person you are anyway and I can begin work immediately, JUST ON THE CONTENTS OF YOUR DONATION! That is why, dear reader, I am a genius. And you can be too. Yes! Just not as big a one, as me.
I am also a part time psychic and mind reading specialist. Contact me for predictions and analysis. But first contact me for fees. Actually, contact my secretary. I am a busy man.