Disclaimer: This is a pure work of fiction & all characters in this review are taken from the Bollywood gangster movie ’Sathya’. Any resemblance to any person living, dead or about to die... is purely coincidental ( Jise ek maathr sanyog kahaa jaayega ). All relevant points have been highlighted for the benefit of the busy readers.
Prologue
In the days when Sathya had just joined the gang, Mumbai police were not hunting them & Bhau had not joined politics; Bikhu Mhatre gang was having a discussion one rainy-stormy night. Topic of discussion - Kallu Mama’s marriage
Conversation translated from Khari Mumbaiya to Angrezi/English for the benefit of non-tapori public (non-gangsters)
Mulle Kya Bolthaye? - Mulle speak
Mulle the lawyer, as stoned as ever, gave a sodden look at Kallu Mama & started ’Hey Kallu Mama, Ek dum ganja hogela re... baapu (there aren’t many hairs remaining on your scalp). Jaldi saadi karle jisse pehle baal microscope mein doondna pade (Get married soon before it turns as green as Sahara desert)’.
Kallu Mama - ’Kya karoon Mulle, Mujhe bhi shaddi-vaddi rachaani hai (I also want to get married). Lekin ek ganje takle se kaun shaadi karega ?!’ (But who will get married to a bald gangster?!)
Mulle - ’Ek dum makkan (so easy). Join this site MS.com & write an Effective Profile’
Kallu Mama Procrastinating
Kallu Mama - ’Hey Chander, par apun prophile mein likhega kya?’ (what shall I write?)
Chander the dark-complexioned rotund chamcha (side-kick) of Bhiku bhai, opened his heavy inebriated eye-lids & said - ’Pehle ek achcha sa photo lagaa’ (Put a Good Photo!)
Kallu Mama - ’Kya fotu lagavoon is topde ka? Ladkiyan patne ke bajaaye bhaag jayengi’ ( which photo shall I upload?)
Chander - ’Ek dum masta jakaas fotu lagaane ka. Bilkul Hrithik Rosan, Saaruk khan ke maafich’ ( put someones good looking photo)
Bhiku - ’Ek wanda hai Kallu mama. Agar ladki uspe fidah hogayi tho?’ ( that is not going to help. put your own)
Kalu Mama - ’Tikh hai apun ka hi Photoshop manipulated pic lagavoonga, Bhiku bhai’ ( I will upload my own digitally enhanced pic)
Bhiku bhai kya Bolthaye? - Bhiku Speak
Bhiku - ’Hey Kallu, uske baad thumara naam, umar, education... lagaana padega’ ( Name, Age, Education etc)
Kallu - ’Bhiku bhai... apun kya lagaayega. Phele naam. Baapu ne rakka Kaalicharan, phir ban gaya Kallu, Kallan, Kaaliya... ab Kallu Mama. Umar tho ek dum... do bachchon ka baap hone ki hai (biting his tongue). Educasion Metric fail’ ( What details to put there?)
Bhiku - ’Hey Kallu... likhna re. naam - Kelly Meim. Umr sirf 25 saal. Educasion MBA - Main bhi Anpad’ ( name - Kelly Meim, Age -20, Education - MBA)
Kallu - ’Phir yeh Interests kya likhoon?’ ( What interests to mention?)
Bhiku - ’Bilkul simple...Supari lena, Game bajaana, Tapkana...’ ( write your real interests)
Chander - ’Hey Bhiku bhai... yeh sab likhega tho maal nahin milega. Zindagi bar dol bajaana padega’ ( that is not gonna work)
Chander - ’Kallu mama... likh poetry, books, movie...’
Kallu - ’Kidar ki poetry? kidar ke books? Yedaa hogela kya?’ ( which ones?)
Chander - ’ Gaana wohi... Goli Maaro Beje mein... Bejaa shor kartha hain.... Kitaab haina jo Bhiku bhai apni biwi se chipaake rakela hai, nangi tasviron-wala. Movie wohi Dada Kondke ...’ ( whatever you like more)
Chander aur kya Bolthaye? - Chander speaks more
Kallu - ’Hey Chander About me Kya likhoon?’ ( what shall I write in ’About me’?)
Bhiku - ’Likh Champa bai ka kotha, Daaru ki dhukaan, Chandni Bar, Bhiku Night-Club, Zanzibar...’ (what ever you do)
Chander - ’Bhiku bhai... aapko ladki pataane mein experience nahin hai. Apun guide karega’ ( Something more interesting...)
Chander - ’Kallu likh... ek dum sidhaa saadha, koi locha lafda bilkul nahin, bilkul ek dum kileen... Surf excel mein dhule kapdon ke maafich’ ( A good detail about the person in proper wording)
Chander - ’Phir likh... koi ladki-vadki ka chakkar nahin. Champa bai ke kothe ke paas tho bilkul nahin... ek dum shareef admi...’ ( more personal details)
Bhiku - ’Hey Chander... bilkul Pulis dethi hain B-report usiki maafich likva-raha hain!!’ ( clean & interesting things)
Kallu - ’Hey Chander tho.. mere ko marvaake hi rahega’ ( good interesting suggestions)
Sathya Kya Bolthaye? - Sathya Speaks
Sathya till then looking outside the window with his silent, expressionless & grimm face, turned around & said...
Sathya - ’Kallu Mama... there sir pe baal nahin Ugenge?’ ( No hairs will ever grow on your scalp)
Kallu - ’Kaay ko... Sathya bhai...’ ( why sathya??)
Sathya - ’Achcha profile lagaane ke saath achcha review bhi likhna padega. ( you need to write good reviews so that your Beautiful profile gets read ). Achcha reviews likhne se thum achcha insaan nahin ban jaavoge ( You also need to be friendly & courteous to others). Thabi tho Role-model ban javonge ( then only you will be role-model for others)’
Kallu nodding his head in disbelief...
Sathya - ’Yeh sab karke bhi ladki patne ki koi ummeed nahin’ ( Don’t write to impress others. Be honest. People are not stupid that they will buy anything & everything)
Kallu Mama started scratching his head vigorously... Yeh Sathya kya bola? (what does Sathya mean?).
Any doubts why hairs don’t grow on Kallu Mama’s head?!
Dedication : This review is dedicated to the fond memory of last two remaining hairs on Tongue_In_Cheeks pic.