I hate to contradict people’s opinions on things but sadly I do it far too often. But hey! The five best horror flicks?? I can’t believe that people hid under the duvet over some of these unbelievably stupid bad guys! In a town like Basildon (near London) where I come from we’d eat some of these ugly-buglys for breakfast and then some! Why use two-dimensional thinking when dealing with these nutters, when the good old fighting-fire-with-fire approach is so much more efficient. Lets go through some of the top ghoulies and deal with them bad neighbourhood style;
(1) The exorcist – Regan the demon possessed kiddo, gimme a break! What were those priests doing goofing around with such prissy ideas? Why not just not go through all that bother and just throw a grenade in, close the door and walk down the stairs to collect your paycheck. Now that sounds straightforward!
(2) The Evil Dead – Again, what the hell was wrong with those guys stuck in the lodge?? The place was a cabin and you had enough petrol and kerosene to fight a small offensive. Why not improvise and flame throw the critters? That sounds like a plan!
(3) Scream – Some goofy loser in a ghostie mask and a big knife? A good baseball bat would sort that geek out; if you’re not so sure just run him down in your parents’ 4x4! The same goes for that twisted jerk Mike Myers from Halloween……… both of them so predictable in their despatching techniques!
(4) The Texas Chainsaw Massacre – ’’Here come old leather-face, he come lumbering up so slowly, idiot left his chainsaw running, he so noisy could hear him two blocks away…………’’ (Sorry for wrecking one of Mr. Lennon’s songs there). Seriously, do you know how hard a chainsaw bounces back of a decent piece of steel piping? There was plenty of that around the old house and once you’ve lost control of a chainsaw from a ricochet it’s pretty hard to catch it on time before it hits you. No worries! That mental circus of a villain could have been sliced and diced the moment he appeared on screen IF those teenagers had thought on their feet!
(5) Friday the thirteenth – Jason! Oh dear here we go again! Middle class American teenager at their predictably most naive! Why not hold Mr Ugly-face back with a dining chair until you’ve got him against the wall and give him a swift kick between the legs. What’s with all this freezing on the spot and screaming until he stabs you to death?
Now what about my selection of horror films, be prepared to be shocked and emotionally disturbed by my offering!
(1) Bambi – What was all that about? How could they allow Bambi’s mother die on screen in front of all those innocent children who watch it? I was scarred for life!
(2) Hearts in Atlantis – That bad screen adaptation of Stephen King’s book starring Anthony Hopkins. I couldn’t stop thinking about Hannibal Lechter every time I saw old Tony and I’m glad they took him away in that car in the end!
(3) Ghost – The very thought that Patrick Swayze may one day stalk the earth as a disembodied form after death is too shocking to contemplate.
(4) Shallow Hal – The horrific realisation that they may just make a sequel.
(5) The Avengers – Remember? They made a film based (loosely) on the series starring Ralph Fiennes and Ulma Thulmann. It’s terrify to see on screen what mental torture some directors and producers are willing to slap onto 8mm. What seems to be scarier is that responsible actors agreed to act the parts!
Well readers, I thought that was diabolical. I hope that you all have pleasant dreams and don’t have nightmares about the true horrors the film studio’s can create……………………