Here I was in my dingy office in the mean streets of Mumbai. I sat there pondering over the case of the chicken molester. I wondered what would be his next target. Which farm he would attack? Then in came this beautiful girl. She wanted me to find out the fiver worst actors. I was not so keen, but she was persuasive and the money was good and I needed the money after the shopping spree with private nans. I would have given the case to her but she was away trying to track down the chicken molester. So off I went into one of my most dangerous missions ever!
First I thought of sneaking into Tusshar Kapoor’s house and spy on him, but then a horrible thought crossed my mind. His sister! Ekta Kapoor! Kyunki Bahu bhi Kabhi Saas Thi! Kahani Dukaan Dukaan Ki! The house would be booming with these. It was too great a risk for me to take. So I peeked into his green room. He was trying to practice his dance moves while simultaneously watching a documentary of a beer bar dancer in Congo. The similarity was STRIKING! Then he was practising his lines. The way he told his lines, I was reminded of Congo again! The movie, remember the gorillas trying to communicate. Yup, exactly like that. Anyways I had enough info on him and then moved on to the next name on my list.
Salman Khan. That was the name which I would repent knowing forever! I went as a journalist and just told him ’’Excuse me, Sir?’’ and he punched me on my nose and then went away. As I was healing my wounds in a bar, I heard a commotion. He and some other new star were fighting over some girl (mentioned in the one of my previous cases- worst actress). I tried to stop them and Salman khan beat me up like a dhobi beats up a dirty lungi at dhobi ghat. My clothes were tattered and I went to a clothes store. Salman was there again! He was buying only pants. (Wonder why?). I snickered to myself and he saw me. Before I could say ’’God save me’’, he beat me up again. Lucky for him I did not lose my cool all the three times. I managed to sneak to his sets without his notice. He was just removing his shirt and beating up people and laughing and dancing. I asked the spot boy what Salman was doing. He said that Salman was ACTING.
The next name on the list required a lot of research. Shammi Kapoor. (What is it with these kapoors?). I went and saw this character but he was nowhere near acting in recent times except as a grandfather (what else) for Salman Khan (shudder!) in Jaanam Samjha Karo. So I got a few of his old movies. I was astounded by this alpha male caveman behavior of his. His ear piercing, record decibel outputting (is there a word like that) screams can be used to scare away the birds at the Mumbai airport. His dancing was all the more amazing. Just imaging a rat in your pants, a few ants in your shirts and other weird insects and things in your body and all of them moving around in your body like it is some jogging park for all the insects, well what would your reaction be? That was how his dancing seemed to me. Another striking thing was the way he shaked his head all the while. It just kept shaking like those pendulum clocks. Ding ding-Dong ding-Dong dong. Well it did not make the noise. But you get my point.
Next was ’’Punjab da Puttar’’. Sunny Deol. I had to be careful! 2 brothers and one dad! All Punjab da Puttars! I posed as a film maker and went to him. Soon as I went to him, He screamed “Main apne Watan ke liye kuch bhi karne ko taiyar hoon. Jo mere desh ke khilaaf hain, main usko maar doonga and aur uska khoon pi jaoonga. And while saying all this, he menancingly pointed his fingers to me all the time. He then said that he was so used to acting in patriotic films that these words came out of his mouth involuntarily. I then followed him to his sets for a week. Well this was his routine. Go to sets. Wear tight jeans and body fit clothes and some snazzy shades. Point his fingers. Scream some heavy duty patriotic dialogues ( Doodh maango Kheer denge, Kashmir maango cheer denge) and then beat up AK47 toting terrorists with bare hands. Well if that was acting, then I guess I would be a superstar.
I was nearing the end of this case. The final name on the list was Sharukh Khan. Well here he was. He seemed to be pretty famous, atleast going by the papers. The TOI supplement had him on the front page and its heading was “I don’t know what I will do in the next 6 months”. WOW! So deep and path-breaking. And he was devoted 5 columns of space to banter. I first went and got his tape of a movie called Daar in which he starred with another luminary featured on this page. I seriously think he had a dire and a serious constipation problem when he said “K--K--Kiran”. Then I did some more research and saw him in Mohabbtein. Was it just me or did he really look gay in the movie. People say he has a lot of energy, well he sure has to have a lot of energy to churn out the same old stuff repackaged movie after movie.
Well that was it my job was done. Another case successfully accomplished by the Private Psychelock. This is Psychelock signing out till the next case.
P.S - The psychelock is now available for further investigations, provided that they are dangerous!