“Acting is half shame, half glory. Shame at exhibiting yourself, glory when you can forget yourself.”
--- John Gielgud.
Acting is merely the art of keeping a large group of people from coughing.
--- Sir Ralph Richardson
I’m a skilled professional actor. Whether or not I’ve any talent is beside the point.
--- Michael Caine
Please forgive me for listing more than five in this review. There were simply so many that I wanted to put in the list of worst actors, that I went a little overboard.
Kishan Kumar:
I apologize for reminding you of this scary name! I was little when I first saw the promos of the magnum opus ’Aaja Meri Jaan, ’ and I distinctly remember the hallucinogenic experience that I had to endure when I saw Kishan Kumar wearing black shades and posing for the camera. But now if I think about him I can only laugh. Everything about this guy was thick. Thick lips, thick eyebrows and considering he thought he could act just because his brother Gulshan Kumar could produce, he also has an enormously thick head. A complete failure as a performer. Fortunately for us, after a few failed attempts he got the message that audiences hate him, he stopped bugging us by not appearing in any more flicks. Divine mercy!
Armaan Kohli:
He is the prodigal son of Raj Kumar Kohli, who does not mind re-launching his son on unsuspecting audiences any number of times. This ’Icchadaari Naag’ from a legendary spiritual movie called Jaani Dushman, conjured motor bikes from thin air to aid him in chases, he moved super fast à la ’The Matrix, ’ he waited for thousands of years in an uncomfortable banyan tree. All this, to finally meet his beloved Nagin (Manisha Koirala in a mind blowing slithering performance passing herself off as a snake). Amidst the confusion arising from accomplishing multiple, hard to achieve tasks he forgot to act.
Annoying expressions, zero talent, nothing exceptional to speak of in the looks department and an unfortunate tendency to be unintentionally hilarious are his key characteristics.
Rahul Roy:
This wimpy, longhaired clown got his big break through the Bhatt camp. He acted in some hit movies such as Aashiqui, Phir teri kahaani yaad aayi (made for Zee TV) etc. Bad dialogue delivery, dumb facial expressions, extra luxurious mane and unconventional (read "BAD") looks prevented him from becoming the true star that he undoubtedly deserved to become. Worth watching is his performance in another Bhatt film "Junoon" where he acted like a tiger-turning man.
"Where are you tiger? T..i…e...i..i..e...i..g…e...rr...!"
Alok Nath:
Master Haveli Ram from Buniyaad has come a long way. Poor childhood friend of a rich executive (dost), cunning uncle of a rich middle aged man (chachaji), unmarried uncle of two rich orphans (kaakaji), helpless sad father of an abused daughter (babuji), a husband who is torn at the unreasonable demands of his wife (pati), bride’s shy-but-smiling father, a simpleton living in a village (bauji), evil magician father of beautiful fairies (Paristan ka Raja)... this man has charmingly overacted in all types of roles. Note the emphasis on ’over.’
Mouthing cloyingly sweet or sentimental dialogues in wedding and engagement ceremonies while wearing a I’m-happy-for-my-children smile or a sad-to-see-someone-leave smile or a distraught-because-rich-friends-no-longer-care smile or I’m-being-naughty-with-my-childhood-crush smile he managed to suffocate millions of fans.
Believe me, there ARE that many different kinds of smiles. Our Alok ---ji (fill in the blank with *babu, kaaka, bau *etc whichever is closest to your own heart) INVENTED them.
His acute depth of perception regarding how to act in family centered situations such as engagement and wedding functions is infinite. Small wonder why I love his mannerisms so much!
Tusshar Kapur:
Did you know that gorillas have been evolving just like we humans did (and are still doing)? They are now in the Old Stone Age stage of evolution (i.e. making tools out of stone etc). In spite of being stuck in this particular stage, they have made such tremendous progress that they already started interacting with other species (human beings) and act in their films. What? Don’t believe me? Watch Tusshar in any of his flicks (except maybe Khakee) and you’ll know what I mean.
This lovable gorilla lad dances in his hereditary ape style, while also infusing the dance with Govinda’s signature style pelvic thrusts. Be enthralled by his original monkey-style performances (acting) in such epic films as Kuch to hain (There is something!), Mujhe kuch kehna hain (I have something to say) and so on.
Uday Chopra:
This actor (?) simply fascinates me! Mouthing nonsense dialogues, stale attempts at humor, extreme overacting and an extra wide grin mark this blabbering ape’s acting style.
He’s just another example that people with a famous last name can make any number of attempts to become ’actors’ in bollywood. In spite of the support of his family I think he wasn’t able to get a role in any film that is NOT from his Dad’s production house.
Sohail Khan:
A complete set of three-and-a-half facial expressions. I have nothing more to say about this guy except that we already have Salman Khan, so he’s redundant.
Sanjay Kapoor:
Ditto as above except replace Salman Khan with Anil Kapoor.
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Others I absolutely admire, along with the quality I admire them for are:
Suniel Shetty: For his inexplicable divine(?) ability to maintain a face devoid of all expressions in any given situation.
Sunny Deol: For the sheer lung capacity he must possess to keep screaming at the top of his voice for hours on end.
I tried to limit the list to contemporary actors, so no old movies were considered. This review is not the ‘all bad actors I hate’ list. I included some that were on the top of my mind. Other mentions are Puru ‘son-of-Jani’ Rajkumar, Fardeen ‘on-mind-altering-substances’ Khan etc.
Please leave a comment to let me know what you think.
:-)