It was 1st of April and here I was in my private office. It was another baffling case. But then you don’t hire psychelock for the easy ones. My name is psychelock. Just psychelock. What people call me is something else. I am a private eye and it says so on the door. The last thing I wanted was a case to solve, but the dame who brought it was persuasive. Most dames are, somehow. She came from a firm called Mouthshut and she wanted to know the five worst actresses in bollywood. I told her it would cost her 3 grand a day plus expenses. I stepped out into the rain and reviewed the facts. I contacted my sources. I finally arrived upon a list. It started with Diya Mirza. Sigh…. It was going to be a long day.
I tiptoed near her shooting spot unnoticed by anyone. All were busy ogling at her. I looked at her. She was pretty. But then she started to “act”. This was worse than the Vietnamese torture given by the Viet Cong when I was captured there. Her face cringed like she had a spider in her rather tight pants. She looked terribly out of place. She acted like a kid in a strip bar ( umm.. have I heard that somewhere before). She absolutely had no idea of what she was doing or where she was. Someone please tell her that looking all syrupy does not in any way amount to acting. But well my job here was done. I went to my next target - Aishwarya Rai.
Well I could not catch a glimpse of her, but I did over hear a conversation she had with her friend.
Fr - “Ash, you are just the greatest actress in India, you are India’s hope, you are India’s national bird. You were with Sachin Tendulkar on the Sunday Supplement. Maybe you will get a Bharath Ratna. “
Ash - “Don’t Act silly, honey. You know I cannot act for zilch. I just have to flash my smile, get a bit of glycerin in my eyes and the public goes deewana over me. And add to the top of that, a few high profile boyfriends, zillions of column space on Times of India about me, my dog, my toenail.. And some rumors like me being the next bond lady makes me seem like an even better actor”
Fr- “Oh Ash, you are so wicked”
Well I just taped what I wrote. I am sure my client would pay me extra for this bit of conversation or atleast some website or newspaper would.
I started my car and moved to residence of Bipasha Basu . I climbed through her window and also went through the place where she hung her wet clothes to dry but I found very few of her clothes. I think most of them were her small sister’s clothes who I guess studies in sixth standard. When I peeped in through the window, I was shocked by what I saw. She was trying on the clothes of her small sister and trying to funny things with them take them a bit up to show a bit of the thigh and moving her hands all over her hair and things like that. I did not understand what she was trying to do. This was truly a bizarre case and more bizarre even for private eye psychelock.
Then I moved into the place of Esha Deol. She was sitting with her mother and there was a director and a producer and a script writer sitting with them. I guess they were selecting movie for Esha. I heard bits of the conversation she had. “Ma, I would like to be in this movie”. “Nahin Esha, you cannot take part, there is a scene in this movie where your knees can be seen”. The director said, “Mummyji, aap kahe to mein yeh scene nikal doonga.”. Theek hai producer saab, if the hero in the movie who is a good guy and loves my daughter, only then she will do the movie. Any other role she will not take. Theek hai Esha beta ? Haan mummy, aap jo kahenge who theek hoga.
Hmm, this was weird, but weirder things had happened to me.
I just had one more name to go, but in my investigation, so many names came up that I could not narrow down to the fifth and final suspect. Maybe you could help me out. The names which came were Amisha Patel, Kimi Katkar, Asha Parekh, Kareena Kapoor and Manisha Koirala.
Then till the next case, this is Private Eye Psychelock signing out.