Writing a review on this topic was like witnessing a boxing bout between my mind (MyDimaag) and my heart (MyDil), up close and personal. There goes the bell…
Warm ups
MyDil: Please don’t write a review on this topic. All those ladies in Bollywood are so beautiful and good to look at, who cares about acting – just feast your eyes.
MyDimaag: I just cannot tolerate some of them. What about my expectations - I spend time and money to go and watch them. All right, let us compromise – I will focus on the ladies of the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s and will not talk about the current batch of damsels. By now, most of them are “maas” (mommies) or “daadiammas” (grannies) or “swargvaas” (bless their soul).
MyDil: Whimper, whimper – OK.
Round # 1
MyDimaag: Who is the most hated hero of current times – come on, come on, you have read all those reviews on MS.
MyDil: Sh-sh-sh-aa-aa-rukh-khan.
MyDimaag: Isn’t SRK supposed to be the female version of Meena Kumari or Meena Kumari was supposed to be the male version of SRK or SRK was supposed to be the male version of Meena Kumari or.. or… whatever – you know what I am saying
MyDil: Do you mean to say Meena Kumari is your number one choice for the worst actress in Bollywood. You are dead meat, man. Haven’t you been reading all those reviews on Best Actresses in Bollywood and Meena Kumari rules the roost. Don’t you know that she is personified as a tragedienne and has acted in movies like “Sahib Bibi Aur Ghulam”, “Chotti Bahu”, “Pakeezah”, “Mere Apne” and “Dushman”.
MyDimaag: I know, I know. But I just loathe her acting. She is always crying and mouths her dialogues by gritting her teeth – as if they are pearls of wisdom. She is pathetic to look at and has a poor dress sense. I force myself to see her movies only if there is either a “Helen” or a “Tun Tun”. I think she is a poor actress and does not deserve all those accolades and she is staying on my list.
Round # 2
MyDimaag: Who has eyes shaped perfectly like fish-eye lenses, has a perfect nose and an hourglass figure and is the wife of Dilip Kumar?
MyDil: Saira Banu – paagal ho gaye tum. She is so petite and delicate and has swooned an entire nation and tamed Shammi Kumar in “Junglee”. She was the cute next-door-neighbor in “Padosan”, the pseudo westerner in “Purab Aur Paschim” and is beauty personified.
MyDimaag: Fluttering your eyelids, speaking with a nasal accent and twitching your mouth do not constitute acting. She too goes on my list.
Round # 3
MyDimaag: Nala irakka.
MyDil: What nonsense is that?
MyDimaag: Remember the time when the entire nation forgot the north-south boundaries and adopted “Nala irakka” – meaning “I like you” in Tamil as the national unity slogan.
MyDil: You mean Rati Agnihotri in “Ek Dujje Ke Liye. Why her? You know I have a fetish for moles and she has a sexy mole on her upper lip. She acted in over fifty movies and also got a second wind after fifteen years in movies like “Yaadein” (forget I mentioned the “Y” word – but the disaster was not her fault) and the recent clone “Kaante”.
MyDimaag: OK, OK, name some of her 50 films – at least name five.
MyDil: Er, er, er……..
MyDimaag: You see – she is a bad actress. I faithfully watched all her movies hoping that she will at least show some signs of acting – “Main Awara Hoon”, “Babu”, “Johnny I Love You”, “Jeene Ki Arzoo”, “Saahas”, “Farz Aur Kanoon”, “Ayaash”, “Shubh Kamna”, “Star”, “Waqt Ke Shahzade”
MyDil: Wait, wait – are you reading me the titles of Hindi story books which are available on the Railway platform like AH Wheelers and Higginbotthams.
MyDimaag: No, no – these are all the names of the movies in which Rati was the heroine. Should I continue?
MyDil: No, please no. I get the point.
Round # 4
MyDimaag: Dum maro dum…
MyDil: Shhh…Stop singing or you will get busted and drag me along with you. (tubelight blinks for some time and then there is light). You mean you want to put Zeenat Aman on your list. She was the ultimate modern girl in the 70’s and 80’s – she was in every young man’s dreams. She has given hit movies like “Hare Rama Hare Krishna”, “Yaadon Ki Baarat”, “Dharamveer”, “Don”, “Satyam Shivam Sundaram”, “Qurbani”. Her clothes (I mean lack of them) were her trade mark. And also her ear rings - which were a few inches short of the moon’s diameter were a fashion statement.
MyDimaag: Will you listen to me? She has terrible screen presence, was always awkward in front of the camera and her dialogue delivery was atrocious. Though I kind of liked her in SSS for ’’obvious’’ reasons but she was a poor actress and goes on my list.
Round # 5
MyDimaag: I do not understand why someone who looks reasonably pretty, is an accomplished dancer can be so cold and strut around with a stiff upper lip.
MyDil: Whom are you talking about? I give up.
MyDimaag: I am talking about Meenakshi Seshadri. ’’Bahut khapti hain’’. She thinks no end of herself and her acting needs improvements. She is the last one on my list.
MyDil: (silent)
MyDimaag: What happened? Why don’t you speak?
MyDil: I am just looking at your list of five worst actresses in Bollywood consisting of Meena Kumari, Saira Banu, Rati Agnihotri, Zeenat Aman and Meenakshi Seshadri. I am Bleeding….
MyDimaag: I have a Headache…
MyDil: Serves you right.
MyDil, as always, has the last word and the last laugh.