Here is an account of the latest medical anomalies found in Bollywood:
Art - ritis: This is the pain in .er. all the wrong places that erupts while watching the Smriti Mishras, Kiron Khers, Mita Vashists of some ghastly art films that are shot in poor light or total darkness. Symptoms include severe boredom, redness and aching eyes(caused due to the efforts of finding something in those dark scenes) and high degree of trauma trying to make sense of the story and acting. Sometimes, the’hot’ scene treatments of Seema Biswas in Bandit Queen or a Nandita Das in Fire/Earth will give temporary relief that is short-lived only.
Anthra(mali)XXX:’Mali’cious bug with a pierced navel doing rounds in Bollywood these days. You catch it in’company’ that sends you into a slight state of’mast’i. Causes high degree of irritation in the female species and heavy drooling on the’road’in male species.
Amee(sha)biosis: Characterized by chronic dysentery and upset stomach feelings. Caused after watching movies like Kaho na pyar hein, Gadar, Yeh hein Jalwa, Aap mujhe achche lagne lage etc. where the constant constipated look on Ameesha’s face directly results in the above condition in the audience.
Take-a-Breakia: This is a condition where the viewer visits the toilet not less than 10 times during the movies that star some comical characters like Minnie Mouse aka Kim Sharma, Donald Duck’Preeti Jhangiani’, Penelope’Hrishita’, Aarti’Chappal’ia, Neha, Natasha and yes, the most famous in the category is Ms Bugging Bunny’Esha Deol.’
’Sen’sonausea: Acute nauseating feeling that is caused by watching the Reema, Riya, Raima, Sushmita and other Sen girls’ senseless acting.
Full-Borosis: This condition happens when the audience has to bear the’bare’ings(and borings) of Urmila, Kareena, Bipasha etc movie-after-movie, where there is nothing new to ogle or nothing left for imagination.
Pull-hair-outia: happens when one has to sit thru the movies of ex-models Sonali, Lisa, Dippanita, Sanjana & Aditi Gowaritrikar. Results in Baldness and brain damage in severe cases. However, there is an intermediate stage called’Droolo-modelis’ where one-song-wonder models of the likes Yana Guptas shaking and bearing all create some amount of interest and drooling in the intial stages, but ultimately end up resulting in above condition.
Groan-aria: Also known as Sister effects, this one is caused by the Kapoors(Karisma, Kareena), Shettys(Shilpa, Shamita), Khannas(Twinkle, Rinkie) and Aroras(Malaika, Amrita), in sibling pairs. Double troubling audience with nonchalant acting, nonsense dressing and eccentric dancing causes peculiar moans, groans, whimpers, grunts and growls in viewers.
Puke-o-mani(sh)a: This is a maniacal and nauseating condition caused by watching Manisha Koirala. The vomiting sensation is tolerable in Bombay and 1942 but peaks during Ek Choti si Love Story, Grahan, Achanak and so on.
Look-emia: The deadly looking beauty pageant winners joining the film industry bring about this deadliest disease, resulting in high depression, grief, agony, torture, anguish and distress in the audience. This has been especially demonstrated by Aishwarya Rai and Sushmita Sen, and now carried over by Diya Mirza, Priyanka Chopra, Lara Dutta, Yukta Mukhee and so forth.
Finally,
AIDS(Already-I’m-Dead-Syndrome): This is the ultimate stage of illness seen in the viewers who have been putting up with Bollywood heroines and suffering all the above outbreaks. The only known remedy is to take recluse in the Himalayas and undergo an advanced meditation course in Swami Alakananda’s Ashram.
Author’s Annotation: The word Maha Mari in Hindi means Epidemic, however, there are some interesting meanings in other regional languages as well, like in Kannada where it means Big Devil.
Disclaimer: The author does not take any responsibility for the authentication of any of the above information or the degree of sufferings and variation in different cases, as she is herself suffering from’Total-Moronis’ condition that has been demonstrated by penning this review.